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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Received this anonymous message re: H

401 replies

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 08:50

Hi, posted here for traffic. A little upset at the moment. I recieved this text message from
an anonymous sender today:-

“Why are you staying with xxxx. You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time”

Is it something doing the rounds or genuine? I’ve spoken to H and believe it’s not true and he’s not cheating. We do not have any sex life though and I could believe he’s bi-sexual.

They have my no and H’s name - shortened version which other people use, not me.

what the hell?!

OP posts:
Pansypotter123 · 21/12/2022 14:44

Can you tell us more about the person you formed an attachment to? Would he have known your husband's shorter name; how did he feel about your relationship - did he want it to progress; did you ever discuss your husband's sexuality with this person?

I'm thinking the message has come from this person.

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 14:44

The sender of the text would have to know for sure the state of OP's marriage and her attitude to it. That's really only close relatives and friends which know that sort of information.
It could be an immature person who is assuming that secret gay husband equals end of marriage.

Blondewithredlips · 21/12/2022 14:47

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 14:43

@Blondewithredlips I couldn't comment on the OP, but there are people who are more than happy with a celibate life, and for their partners to visit escorts, for instance.

I think there was mention of OP wanting to improve the sexual side of things but I have not read all the posts.

It is absolutely fine if both parties are happy with a celibate marriage but cruel if not as it has an impact on self esteem.

DonnaBanana · 21/12/2022 14:50

I would be insisting on sex with DH to check that he’s straight to be honest. It might not be for you but I’d want the reassurance in this case

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 14:51

DonnaBanana · 21/12/2022 14:50

I would be insisting on sex with DH to check that he’s straight to be honest. It might not be for you but I’d want the reassurance in this case

Some gay men can still have sex with women.

SweetSakura · 21/12/2022 14:51

DonnaBanana · 21/12/2022 14:50

I would be insisting on sex with DH to check that he’s straight to be honest. It might not be for you but I’d want the reassurance in this case

That wouldn't prove anything.

adriftabroad · 21/12/2022 14:55

DonnaBanana · 21/12/2022 14:50

I would be insisting on sex with DH to check that he’s straight to be honest. It might not be for you but I’d want the reassurance in this case

I know what position that would be in.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 21/12/2022 14:55

It sounds like it could be true. Sit down and have a honest talk with your man .

BCBird · 21/12/2022 14:56

Insist on sex? How does that work? People rightly say that sex is not a right. Why is it unacceptable for a man to put pressure on for sex yet a OP is bring advised to insist?.🤔

monsteramunch · 21/12/2022 15:00

DonnaBanana · 21/12/2022 14:50

I would be insisting on sex with DH to check that he’s straight to be honest. It might not be for you but I’d want the reassurance in this case

'Insisting on sex' for 'proof'?

There's a word for that.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/12/2022 15:03

DonnaBanana · 21/12/2022 14:50

I would be insisting on sex with DH to check that he’s straight to be honest. It might not be for you but I’d want the reassurance in this case

This is just about the most absurd thing I've ever read.

LolaMoon · 21/12/2022 15:05

DonnaBanana · 21/12/2022 14:50

I would be insisting on sex with DH to check that he’s straight to be honest. It might not be for you but I’d want the reassurance in this case

Ah yes, nothing sexier to get someone in the mood than demanding they have sex with you to prove they arent gay. Such a turn on 🙄

Sandra1984 · 21/12/2022 15:06

Aquamarine1029 · 21/12/2022 15:03

This is just about the most absurd thing I've ever read.

Show quote history

Me too.

adriftabroad · 21/12/2022 15:09

You want to know who it is from.This is not the issue.

The issue is honesty, not over being unfaithful (which is bad enough) but over a whole different hidden desire / part of their lives / who they are. It is most likely true and your husband and you need honesty and to decide if you are continuing the marriage and if you can also seek a fulfilling sexual life or just expect to support him in his.

It is possible but would mean you both admitting he is gay and you love your family and have an open marriage, or this will happen again and again.

Who cares who sent it? You deserve truth. Personally, it sounds to me that it would be a good thing for you and you would be happier. In 10 short years you[ll not have the option as much as he will. Fact.

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 15:09

Some gay men fall in love with women and sacrifice their natural desires for the sake of sharing their life with the person they love. At some stage those desires might become overwhelming and they might seek an outlet in the form of a casual gay hook-up. It's risky then because the hook-up might catch feelings.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 21/12/2022 15:15

DonnaBanana · 21/12/2022 14:50

I would be insisting on sex with DH to check that he’s straight to be honest. It might not be for you but I’d want the reassurance in this case

shes had sex with him before you know, and she still thinks he might fancy blokes.

Original poster
Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 15:21

@Pansypotter123 we never got
that far and never would. I haven’t admitted my feelings, which are just ridiculous and maybe stem a little from an emotional attachment and sexual frustration. I sensed a poss mutual chemistry.

Had another chat with H and he absolutely insists he’s not gay or seeing anyone else!

My head is all over the place today

OP posts:
forththeroast · 21/12/2022 15:22

He says he's not gay. Have you asked him if he's bisexual? Semantics.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 21/12/2022 15:35

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 15:21

@Pansypotter123 we never got
that far and never would. I haven’t admitted my feelings, which are just ridiculous and maybe stem a little from an emotional attachment and sexual frustration. I sensed a poss mutual chemistry.

Had another chat with H and he absolutely insists he’s not gay or seeing anyone else!

My head is all over the place today

Op of course he’s going to deny it. The man isn’t going to come out because of this message, the ramifications are huge, not just for his marriage but everything, he’s also not going to admit to going with anyone, but he’s not accused of that.

the truth is for someone to know your number, his shortened name, and for this to correlate to the fact there is nothing sexual between you and you could believe he is attracted to men , would strongly signify this isn’t some weird random comment.

6.30 am indicates it’s not drunken either. It’s a weird time. Does he have connections abroad?

JoyBeorge · 21/12/2022 15:38

DonnaBanana · 21/12/2022 14:50

I would be insisting on sex with DH to check that he’s straight to be honest. It might not be for you but I’d want the reassurance in this case

Would you want the potential infections too?

Blondewithredlips · 21/12/2022 15:39

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 15:21

@Pansypotter123 we never got
that far and never would. I haven’t admitted my feelings, which are just ridiculous and maybe stem a little from an emotional attachment and sexual frustration. I sensed a poss mutual chemistry.

Had another chat with H and he absolutely insists he’s not gay or seeing anyone else!

My head is all over the place today

How long has there been no sex in your marriage? You mention frustration. Have you spoken to DH about why marriage is sexless? It comes across that you are not happy in a sexless marriage...

IneedanewTV · 21/12/2022 15:41

Wronglane · 21/12/2022 14:16

Could he have sent it as a way out of the marriage

Yeah I agree.

I also don’t think anonymous messengers are scum etc etc. They may really care for you both and this is the only way they can tell you. Otherwise the messenger always gets shot. If my H was gay and I really didn’t know I would hope someone would tell me. Also if your H is gay he really needs to come out otherwise he is living a lie and must be very sad.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 21/12/2022 15:41

Sorry you are having to deal with this OP Flowers

It seems too specific to be a random message. Not just anyone would have reason to worry about the sexuality of their spouse - claiming an affair would be more likely to work as a general 'hit' on most couples.

Who knows (or could guess) that you have a sexless marriage?
(You say you are affectionate etc. so it probably needs to be someone you told... or someone they told - rather than an observer.)

Who would gain? Whoever sent it wanted something.

What would they gain?
-Pain for you - pain for your DH -does anyone have this level of hate for either of you? Is anyone this envious of you two?
-The end of your marriage ... and freedom for one of you to start something with this person? Who wants you apart?

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 21/12/2022 15:42

Is anyone likely to know more about your husband than you - and want to tell you this because they care about you more than him?

IneedanewTV · 21/12/2022 15:44

It could be your male “friend”. He may have found out from someone else and is warning you. How else could he do it?