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AIBU?

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Original poster

Received this anonymous message re: H

401 replies

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 08:50

Hi, posted here for traffic. A little upset at the moment. I recieved this text message from
an anonymous sender today:-

“Why are you staying with xxxx. You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time”

Is it something doing the rounds or genuine? I’ve spoken to H and believe it’s not true and he’s not cheating. We do not have any sex life though and I could believe he’s bi-sexual.

They have my no and H’s name - shortened version which other people use, not me.

what the hell?!

OP posts:
CoorieInByTheFire · 21/12/2022 13:36

Given that they have used your number rather than his, and have referred to your husband by his shortened name, I don’t think this is a scam. I think that as they used your number rather than his, it’s more likely to be someone you know. I think someone going through his phone to get your number is less plausible.

My money is on the man you had a brief attraction with.

BungleandGeorge · 21/12/2022 13:47

It’s someone you know. It could be malicious or could be genuine. They haven’t said he’s having an affair but that he is gay- the two aren’t synonymous. I’m sorry it must be really upsetting for you and not a great approach even if it isn’t malicious. No sex is often a bit of a red flag for something wrong, are you both happy with it? Could you go to counselling?

hashbrownsandwich · 21/12/2022 13:48

Your DH needs to start being honest.

BadNomad · 21/12/2022 13:50

Well, it's not going to be a scam.

prh47bridge · 21/12/2022 13:51

forrestgreen · 21/12/2022 13:02

Add the number into dh's phone. In wattsapp also. See if it shows a contact there

As OP was unable to reply, I presume it came without a number or with an invalid number. There are websites that allow you to send such messages for free.

As I said previously, the sender is clearly trying to cause trouble. My guess would be that they are either after OP or her husband and are hoping that splitting them up would give them a chance of getting what they want. Even if the allegation is true, the sender's intention is to hurt the OP, not help her.

I agree with @CoorieInByTheFire that the man OP had a brief attraction with must be a suspect, in which case the allegation is a complete guess on his part based on things the OP has told him.

Sierra1961 · 21/12/2022 13:51

Hang on. How does one send an anonymous text message anyway? As far as I’m concerned there would always be a number displayed.

Stravaig · 21/12/2022 13:54

OP, there's something really appealing about the way you describe your DH and your partnership. Successful loving relationships come in many more forms than convention allows. Perhaps the text will be a catalyst for you to mull over the sexual intimacy aspect of your lives together.

Scurryfunge12 · 21/12/2022 13:58

I’d suspect that that was from a man he has been sleeping with who is in love with him and pissed off that he won’t end the marriage.

Original poster
Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 14:01

I can’t investigate the number unfortunately, as it’s just “anonymous”

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 21/12/2022 14:04

Unfortunately the majority of people don't think their partner would cheat before they cheat.

I suspect there's no smoke without fire but I would probably leave it for now, have a good Christmas. It will all come out in the wash eventually but I don't really see the point in pursuing it on 21st December with no evidence and no names.

All the best!

Sandra1984 · 21/12/2022 14:07

@It looked like any other cafe, but it was a known spot where closeted gay men would take their wives. They would make eye contact with another man and then go and have a quick blow job in the toilets.

How sad. And sordid 😥

Name99 · 21/12/2022 14:10

What exactly would be the scam the scammers would be trying to achieve?

MayThe4th · 21/12/2022 14:12

Anonymous text senders are just gutless lowlife.And this one sounds particularly awful.

I don’t believe that there is truth to it, usually someone wanting to let a partner know would do so in a “I thought you should know,” type way, this one is being horrible to you, talking down to you, belittling you that doesn’t have any kind of genuine vibe about it, they just sound like vile scum.

user1466068383 · 21/12/2022 14:13

What a horrible message, and how stressful for you! I really feel for you.
I don’t think there’s anyway of finding out who sent it for sure, and even if you did have a strong suspicion and confronted someone I assumed they would probably just deny it. People who send anonymous messages are cowards.

if it was me I would be focusing on putting my mind at rest, so I could put the message behind me.
I know snooping is generally an awful idea, but in this case it might be worth a little amateur sleuthing - computer history, Social media DMs etc.
and then perhaps a couple of sessions with a couples therapist, as you mentioned some intimacy issues that you’d like to improve.
then at least you won’t have it ticking over in your mind, quietly worrying you.

I think if you do get more anonymous messages you could probably take it to the police on grounds of harassment - but unfortunately I don’t think just one message would be enough.

OooScotland · 21/12/2022 14:14

Stravaig · 21/12/2022 13:54

OP, there's something really appealing about the way you describe your DH and your partnership. Successful loving relationships come in many more forms than convention allows. Perhaps the text will be a catalyst for you to mull over the sexual intimacy aspect of your lives together.

You, I like.

Wronglane · 21/12/2022 14:16

Could he have sent it as a way out of the marriage

littleburn · 21/12/2022 14:17

OP I know a few people have suggested it, but have you tried saving the number to your contacts and then sending them a message in what's app? Most likely they'll have covered their tracks, but if they're on what's app you might get a picture. Same for Telegram and Snapchat - those apps pick up if any of your contacts are also on those apps and might have a profile pic.

prh47bridge · 21/12/2022 14:19

Sierra1961 · 21/12/2022 13:51

Hang on. How does one send an anonymous text message anyway? As far as I’m concerned there would always be a number displayed.

It is very easy to send an anonymous text message. There are websites and apps that will do this for you.

prh47bridge · 21/12/2022 14:20

littleburn · 21/12/2022 14:17

OP I know a few people have suggested it, but have you tried saving the number to your contacts and then sending them a message in what's app? Most likely they'll have covered their tracks, but if they're on what's app you might get a picture. Same for Telegram and Snapchat - those apps pick up if any of your contacts are also on those apps and might have a profile pic.

To say again, there is no number for OP to save. This text came without a sender number.

user1466068383 · 21/12/2022 14:26

Unfortunately I think the only way of tracing anonymous texts is with a court order.
a family member of mine managed to get this done - but it was prolonged harassment.

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 14:29

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 09:34

We’ve been together since teenagers so I know it’s not an ex. I can’t see where he’d have time for an affair and his response seemed genuine

Gay cruisers can visit local toilets in their lunch hour so there's always time for infidelity if they're that determined.

shruggingitoff · 21/12/2022 14:31

What @Wisteriaroundthedoor said

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 14:38

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/12/2022 09:02

The message doesn't actually say that he is cheating, it just says he is gay.

And that doesn't automatically lead to a marriage being finished, so I wonder why the sender of the text would jump to that conclusion?

Blondewithredlips · 21/12/2022 14:41

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 14:38

And that doesn't automatically lead to a marriage being finished, so I wonder why the sender of the text would jump to that conclusion?

Show quote history

If he is gay it is not nice for OP to have to endure a sexless marriage.

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 14:43

@Blondewithredlips I couldn't comment on the OP, but there are people who are more than happy with a celibate life, and for their partners to visit escorts, for instance.