Page 10 | Received this anonymous message re: H

Blossom4538 · 2022-12-21T08:50:18+00:00

Hi, posted here for traffic. A little upset at the moment. I recieved this text message from an anonymous sender today:- “Why are you staying with xxxx. You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time” Is it something doing the rounds or genuine? I’ve spoken to H and believe it’s not true and he’s not cheating. We do not have any sex life though and I could believe he’s bi-sexual. They have my no and H’s name - shortened version which other people use, not me. what the hell?!

user1466068383 · 21/12/2022 15:46

i feel like time will be your ally now.
if someone is gay, and gets outed they usually experience a huge amount of emotional turmoil.
i don’t think this type of emotional stress can be hidden well.
if he acts oddly over the next few weeks, maybe a shorter fuse or big emotional reactions to small issues, then maybe it is worth a further conversation. Often these conversations go smoother with a therapist, so the ramifications can be dealt with and mediated by a third party.
however if he laughs it off, doesn’t really think about it again and makes light off it and behaves as he always has, then I’d probably just forget it as well. For all you know it could just be a malicious poke from a nasty troll who knows you and bears a perceived grievance.

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 15:46

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 21/12/2022 15:42

Is anyone likely to know more about your husband than you - and want to tell you this because they care about you more than him?

The message doesn't have a 'kind' vibe to it so it's unlikely to be from someone who cares about the OP IMO.

IneedanewTV · 21/12/2022 15:46

DonnaBanana · 21/12/2022 14:50

I would be insisting on sex with DH to check that he’s straight to be honest. It might not be for you but I’d want the reassurance in this case

that would be rape you mean? Stop spouting such nonsense

JoyBeorge · 21/12/2022 15:50

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 15:21

@Pansypotter123 we never got
that far and never would. I haven’t admitted my feelings, which are just ridiculous and maybe stem a little from an emotional attachment and sexual frustration. I sensed a poss mutual chemistry.

Had another chat with H and he absolutely insists he’s not gay or seeing anyone else!

My head is all over the place today

With the best will in the world he's not going to admit that, or at least not for a while. How is he reacting at being asked about the text? Is he repelled or disgusted at the notion, or really calm and collected?

I think you need to admit there's an awful lot of circumstantial evidence here, your relationship is sexless and you could see him being bisexual anyway. Most of us wouldn't be able to see our husband's being bisexual but you already did. At the very least that's quite unusual.

Even more intriguing that you don't seem to want to quantify why you could quite easily see him being bisexual. What happened in the past that put that thought out there? You clearly picked up on something there even if it was subconscious.

XanaduKira · 21/12/2022 15:50

A few days before Christmas is a horrible time to send a message like this @IneedanewTV - its particularly unkind, whether true or not. I vote scumbag to anyone who can do that regardless whether they believe they're doing the right thing or not.

Sandra1984 · 21/12/2022 16:03

op I would check his phone thoroughly.

Coldhouseflowers · 21/12/2022 16:05

Sorry this sounds true, and for some reason I think it’s been sent from a man .

magma32 · 21/12/2022 16:05

Your DH could be bi but still be into you? Anyway this person is probably trying to break you up (even if it is true) but as long as your Dh is good to you I would go for marriage counselling and explore the lack of sex life. If he is indeed gay then obviously that will need addressing as it’s unfair on you. And perhaps he’s in denial so not really his fault either unless he knew all along which is cruel. But confront this when you’re ready, not when this other person decides.

magma32 · 21/12/2022 16:08

Also you need to know if he’s having an affair with this person.

WisherWood · 21/12/2022 16:21

I wouldn't worry about who has sent this message, at least for the moment. The key concern is that you're giving it headspace and it has unsettled you. If someone told me my partner was gay I'd just think it was funny and move on. But many years ago I had a relationship with a man who told me he was a bit bisexual and had had some experiences with men. The further we got into the relationship, the more I was suspicious that he was gay and in the closet, and that being a 'bit bisexual' was as much as he could admit to himself and to others. Had someone anonymous told me that he was gay I'd have thought 'yes, that does make sense'.

Like your DH he was very affectionate and we were good friends. But the sex was sporadic and not great when it happened. After we split up he went on to marry a woman and have a child but I doubt that in itself changed anything. So yes, there are married men out there who have had sex with women but who are nonetheless gay. I would stop talking about the message and start talking to your husband about whether you're happy in a sexless marriage and if not, what you will do to change that. I mean your options are basically split up, have an open marriage, or come to terms with a sexless marriage. But I'd use this as a catalyst for change. It's unsettled you for a reason.

user1466068383 · 21/12/2022 16:23

I’m also not sure how helpful it is to continue asking if he’s gay. He’s clearly not about to change his answer.
this message seems to have caused both of you stress because it’s hit on an insecurity you have in your relationship- that your not intimate as much as you would like.
if you two were both happy in your sex life you might look at a message like that and laugh - thinking ‘they’ve clearly got no idea what happens in our relationship’. The biggest worry would be someone malicious has your number and is trying to upset you.
it might be better to devote energy to tackling why you feel worried about your sex life, possibly with a therapist.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 21/12/2022 16:44

it might be better to devote energy to tackling why you feel worried about your sex life, possibly with a therapist.

they don’t have sex. Don’t even kiss. It’s a platonic relationship and from what I can tell has been from some considerable time. There is no sex life to be worried about. Any sex they did have in the past clearly wasn’t good as she said he lacked confidence.

so basically she thinks they are both celibate. It’s likely only she is.

i agree with the pp this message wasn’t sent by someone who cares. But again, the 6,30 am thing is weird.

Blondewithredlips · 21/12/2022 16:55

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 21/12/2022 16:44

it might be better to devote energy to tackling why you feel worried about your sex life, possibly with a therapist.

they don’t have sex. Don’t even kiss. It’s a platonic relationship and from what I can tell has been from some considerable time. There is no sex life to be worried about. Any sex they did have in the past clearly wasn’t good as she said he lacked confidence.

so basically she thinks they are both celibate. It’s likely only she is.

i agree with the pp this message wasn’t sent by someone who cares. But again, the 6,30 am thing is weird.

Maybe it was scheduled to be sent at that time?

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/12/2022 16:59

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 10:21

I’ve been feeling like I need more and things aren’t quite right, but he knows that. We are like the closest of friends and honest with each other.
I did earlier this year develop feelings for someone but nothing would happen there.
I adore H and we have a lot of responsibility between us with SEN children.
I miss kissing, sex life.
We are affectionate with lots of hugs. He is the sweetest, most honest man. He can hide his feelings sometimes.

We’ll speak more this evening.

I think this is malice. DH wondered if spoof sites are state sponsored terrorism - what a way to rip into the fabric of society.

Neither you nor your DH are top of the list covetable, because you have ?multiple children with SEN. Unless you also have the wealth to delegate the many responsibilities that come with them, and can leave trust funds without sacrifice, any future partners will have to share this responsibility. I can also imagine that these responsibilities could freeze many a sex life.....

BlueTick · 21/12/2022 17:00

Does it really matter if the message is true or not?

It seems like you're not satisfied with DH and find the whole sexual side frustrating.

I'd look at this message as a huge favour. It's a gift. It will require you to be completely honest.

Is this man truly a long-term prospect or not? If the sex is crap now - when you're just first together, how will it be in 5 years, 10 years?

You're deluding yourself. He may be wonderful in every other way - but if physical side of things do matter very much - especially as time passes.

And this excuse of him not 'getting sex' and it's a mystery to him. Just very odd and weird.

It sounds like to me he probably is gay and you're in denial. I'm very sorry OP.

Orangessunshine · 21/12/2022 17:02

id be tempted (probably a bad idea) but still tempted to publicly put a post on social media how loved up you are and see if this sparks the other person wanting to make further contact. See what else they’ve got to add.

luckylavender · 21/12/2022 17:16

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I hope it works out for you. But the number of people on here not reading the thread properly astounds me. The OP has said clearly that it's an anonymous number and that she can't get a reply delivered. Still people are telling her to out it in WhatsApp or to text back and ask this that or the other. We know all this, but she can't.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/12/2022 17:32

Why do you think he could be bisexual?
I think that question has been asked repeatedly on the thread, but there's been no answer as to why that would even cross your mind and yet him being gay doesn't.

BlueTick · 21/12/2022 17:44

Oh I've just seen you've got SEN children. Scrap what I said up above. It's hard to feel sexy with a boatload of worry all around you when looking after kids that need a lot of help.

It could be also he has sensory issues regarding sex too - maybe he has some SEN issues too?

WisherWood · 21/12/2022 17:47

Is this man truly a long-term prospect or not? If the sex is crap now - when you're just first together, how will it be in 5 years, 10 years?

They've been together since they were teenagers, are married and now have children together. The OP has said nothing that suggests they've just got together.

justasking111 · 21/12/2022 17:48

I think it's very sad when one person desires sex and the partner withholds it if there isn't a physical issue. I feel sad for @Blossom4538

Greenfairydust · 21/12/2022 18:00

I would not ignore the message. It comes from someone who knows you and your partner and had access to your number. It is not a random message.

My bet would be someone who had access to your partner's phone and is the ''other man'' in this story and is doing this to force your husband to finally come out.

The fact that you and your partner have no sex life and he does not seem to see this as an issue is to me rather telling. This is very unusual for your average healthy, heterosexual man.

It could simply be that you are with a man who genuinely is attached to you emotionally and likes having a family but who is sexually attracted to men.

You really to have a discussion with him because deep down I think you know that your situation is unusual and there is something that your partner is not telling you.

It could well be that you are both happy in this situation (to have a platonic relationship and maybe open your relationship and see other sexual partners) so it doesn't mean your marriage would be over but I think it is a bit naive to not push your partner a bit further and express your doubts.

Because there is a possibility that he is having or had sex with men behind your back. I would want to know.

user1466068383 · 21/12/2022 18:13

@Wisteriaroundthedoorsorry maybe wasn’t very clear, i meant the OP could use this as a catalyst to tackle their sex life, and possibly get things going again. Which appears to be what she wants.
couples don’t have sex for many reasons, being gay can obviously be one of them. But there is also impotence, old sexual trauma, a-sexuality, depression, to name a few.
sexuality is a spectrum, I know of out gay men who sometimes enjoy having sex with women. And I would guess some closeted gay men still have sex with their wives.
if he is gay, and that’s why he doesn’t want to have sex, I would assume this would slowly come to light if they could begin a dialogue about their sex life - or lack of.
to just be left in the dark with no honest conversation seems to me to be the worst possible outcome. And point blank accusing him of being gay doesn’t seem particularly helpful. I wonder if therapy and perhaps tackling the issue from another avenue might prove more successful?

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 21/12/2022 18:20

user1466068383 · 21/12/2022 18:13

@Wisteriaroundthedoorsorry maybe wasn’t very clear, i meant the OP could use this as a catalyst to tackle their sex life, and possibly get things going again. Which appears to be what she wants.
couples don’t have sex for many reasons, being gay can obviously be one of them. But there is also impotence, old sexual trauma, a-sexuality, depression, to name a few.
sexuality is a spectrum, I know of out gay men who sometimes enjoy having sex with women. And I would guess some closeted gay men still have sex with their wives.
if he is gay, and that’s why he doesn’t want to have sex, I would assume this would slowly come to light if they could begin a dialogue about their sex life - or lack of.
to just be left in the dark with no honest conversation seems to me to be the worst possible outcome. And point blank accusing him of being gay doesn’t seem particularly helpful. I wonder if therapy and perhaps tackling the issue from another avenue might prove more successful?

Ah ok, that’s valid and a good point.

ElephantInTheKitchen · 21/12/2022 18:23

I know of out gay men who sometimes enjoy having sex with women.

Otherwise known as being bisexual.

Being bi doesn't mean you need to be 50/50 equally attracted to both sexes, just that you have some sexual attraction to both sexes. See also: the Kinsey scale.