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Original poster

Received this anonymous message re: H

401 replies

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 08:50

Hi, posted here for traffic. A little upset at the moment. I recieved this text message from
an anonymous sender today:-

“Why are you staying with xxxx. You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time”

Is it something doing the rounds or genuine? I’ve spoken to H and believe it’s not true and he’s not cheating. We do not have any sex life though and I could believe he’s bi-sexual.

They have my no and H’s name - shortened version which other people use, not me.

what the hell?!

OP posts:
Blondewithredlips · 21/12/2022 12:29

How can you adore each other but have no sex life?

IneedanewTV · 21/12/2022 12:30

PollyAmour · 21/12/2022 12:11

It's probably his boyfriend who is fed up of being your husband's dirty little secret and wants their relationship to be out in the open.

To be honest, your marriage sounds more like a loving platonic friendship. Tell your husband what you suspect and let him be free to live life as the person he really is.

This.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 21/12/2022 12:35

Blondewithredlips · 21/12/2022 12:29

How can you adore each other but have no sex life?

I adore my kids. I adore my Dad. I think my pets are the best pets it's possible to have.

You can adore something and not have sexual relationship.

dcut · 21/12/2022 12:36

You don't have a sex life.
You think he could be bisexual.
A message arrives saying you know he's gay, why do you stay with him?

This is staring you in the face. It must be really hard but it sounds like the marriage is over anyway. You're best friends and nothing more.

heathspeedwell · 21/12/2022 12:36

If your husband is having sex with other men, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's had affairs. There's much more of a hook up culture among some gay male circles, which might be a side effect of so many years of homophobia in our society.

He could be getting off with men in his lunch hour for example. One of my gay male friends took me to a tea room in London once. It looked like any other cafe, but it was a known spot where closeted gay men would take their wives. They would make eye contact with another man and then go and have a quick blow job in the toilets.

I'm not suggesting that your husband is frequenting this type of place, but my point is simply that him coming home every night after work does not prove he is being faithful.

dreamingbohemian · 21/12/2022 12:37

If he has no exes, why do you think he might be bi?

The fact that he's upset and wants to track it down doesn't mean it's not true. I mean, if me or DH got a text like that, we would just laugh as it's clearly ridiculous.

mac1974 · 21/12/2022 12:39

I had a letter from someone claiming my DH was having an affair. Turns out it was the partner of someone he works with & they had sent the letter to several directors at her place of work. He had mental health issues. It shook me but I knew it couldn't be true. It's awful though as could have easily spiralled. Hope you get to the bottom of it Op and it's nothing untoward.

Pismascrescents · 21/12/2022 12:40

Many gay men love women and want a traditional family.They also like sex with men. So it’s very possible that he adores you, wants to stay married to you but has had sec with men.

However, that message is spiteful and awful. Someone wants to wreck your marriage before Christmas.

I am sorry OP.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 21/12/2022 12:42

Honestly this is why anonymous messages are just evil. It leaves someone in this limbo. Wondering who it was. Wondering if they will take if further

the issue is you can believe your husband is interested in men, you don’t have a sex life, he was not ever comfortable sexually, and you had a feeling something wasn’t right, and he knows this.

even your reaction is telling, you are “thrown”, “a little upset”. There is no anger, disbelief, disgust, laughing it off as clearly a prank. No god, no way he’s gay .

Your reaction is it’s plausible but you don’t think he’s cheating, yet they haven’t accused him of cheating. They simply said he is gay and you’re both living a lie and have been for a long time and you need to get out as your marriage is over .

Mumtqxidiamond · 21/12/2022 12:46

No one decent would send a message like that OP - especially at this time of year . You can be assured that they wish you both nothing but harm .. they are not trying to tell you to help you .

I would put it to one side , enjoy your Christmas with your family and revisit how you both feel about your relationship in the New Year , with some counselling if wanted .

Northseacrone · 21/12/2022 12:47

prh47bridge · 21/12/2022 11:57

This 100%. The allegation may be true. It may not be true. But whoever sent this message anonymously is trying to cause trouble. They may be hoping you will dump him and that he will fall into their arms (which doesn't necessarily mean they are or have been in a relationship with him, or that he has given any indication of fancying them, just that they see you as the obstacle to their chances). They may simply be making trouble for the fun of it - there are far too many people like that. But, whatever the motive, their motive is not to help you. It is to cause problems in your marriage.

I have direct experience of this (although in my case it wasn't a text message and it wasn't anonymous). Another man fancied my then partner. It was obvious to me, but she was convinced he was just a friend. He lied to her, claiming I had begged my ex-wife to take me back. I hadn't, but this played to my girlfriend's insecurities. She believed him, dumped me and a few weeks later fell into his arms.

Show quote history

That's awful 😓And an added upset to know that someone you cared about ended up in a relationship with a manipulator who no doubt continued lying to get his own way, exploiting those insecurities further. Equally sad, the number of replies to these kind of threads saying 'no smoke without fire, it must be true' shows these manipulators will always have their supply of targets (or maybe I'm just an old cynic!)

Frazzledmummy123 · 21/12/2022 12:50

The overall tone of the message sounds angry which makes me think it is someone with an axe to grind causing trouble. That said, why say he is gay, and not just with another woman.. It is a difficult one. I would keep an open mind and do some digging. Has your husband upset anyone recently? Think back to anything at all which since getting this message might be relevant to what this person is saying, etc.

Could you somehow find out who sent the message by the number? I'm sure there will be some way of finding that out.

I would ask for evidence. Tell them you aren't going to believe a word of such message unless you are presented with any solid evidence.

Mentalpiece · 21/12/2022 13:02

What a disgusting thing to send to someone whether it's true or not.
If you're happy in your relationship op, then that's all that matters.
I would block the number and carry on with my life. Giving it headspace will only ruin your relationship so don't let it.
Whoever sent it sounds like a nasty piece of work that you don't need in your life.

forrestgreen · 21/12/2022 13:02

Add the number into dh's phone. In wattsapp also. See if it shows a contact there

JoyBeorge · 21/12/2022 13:03

HelsyQ · 21/12/2022 12:24

Ok - so if this message came through about my boyfriend or ex I know they wouldn’t give it a second thought, we would both clearly know it’s a prank and it would never come up again.

He cares enough to want to get to the bottom of it? OP I’m sorry but it seems as if there is definitely truth to this. It’s just far too coincidental that you’ve had a text calling him gay and you already think he could be bisexual.

I think you know the truth but you’re I’m denial about it.

Show quote history

That's the bit I don't get. If you had no reason to believe there's any truth in this message, then why are you already saying that you could see him as being bisexual? There must have been something that has happened before for that to be your first response to this message.

Has he behaved in a certain way around men in the past that made you wonder if he might be Bi? Clearly something had already put that thought in your mind long before you got this message if now that someone has accused him of being gay, your immediate reaction is to say that you could see him being bisexual.

In which case this isn't going to be so far fetched if you had already wondered about his sexuality in the past, and it can't be the lack of sex. You don't automatically assume your partner might be bisexual just because they don't have sex with you. Unless there were already niggling feeling because little things had already made you wonder in the past..

LM20 · 21/12/2022 13:08

I wish someone sent me a text! Gay in denial ex wasted over a decade of my life

JoyBeorge · 21/12/2022 13:09

Mentalpiece · 21/12/2022 13:02

What a disgusting thing to send to someone whether it's true or not.
If you're happy in your relationship op, then that's all that matters.
I would block the number and carry on with my life. Giving it headspace will only ruin your relationship so don't let it.
Whoever sent it sounds like a nasty piece of work that you don't need in your life.

Except that's not all the matters if her husband isn't happy and has lived a lie for years. Burying something like this and carrying on like it never happened doesn't bode for a successful union going forward. This is very specific information.

TimBoothseyes · 21/12/2022 13:11

Blondewithredlips · 21/12/2022 12:29

How can you adore each other but have no sex life?

I adore DP but due to his lifelong medication sex is no longer an option. I'd still rather be with him and have no sex, than have sex with anybody else and not be with him.

Blondewithredlips · 21/12/2022 13:15

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 21/12/2022 12:35

I adore my kids. I adore my Dad. I think my pets are the best pets it's possible to have.

You can adore something and not have sexual relationship.

Show quote history

In a normal marriage surely there should be a sex life? Adoring is not enough...sounds like friends not married couple.

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 13:16

The tone of the message is mocking you OP because they're saying you do know this, right? As if implying you must be stupid not to know.
So maybe it's someone who doesn't like you?

OooScotland · 21/12/2022 13:18

I’ve been there. It does sound as if something may have happened recently between DH and another man, which needs talking about if it has come as a surprise to you (it doesn’t sound as if it has). The understanding you obviously have between you can remain solid but if he is having sex with someone and wasn’t before you do need to talk about it. I’ve a feeling that the worst thing about this message for you is that its come from someone you know.

Just throwing it out there that in marriage there’s no such thing as normal, and not having sex is not as uncommon as some people think and certainly does not have to be a problem as long you’re honest with each other and happy together.

There is also a possibility that the message is some kind of wind up. Another reason to get to the bottom of it and re affirm your understanding with DH. Good luck.

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 13:18

@Blondewithredlips you can't really define 'normal' with any confidence when it comes to normalising marriage. I think it's on a spectrum, with some couples having active sex lives and others, just companionship. I think the only key element in defining 'normal' in a marriage is probably love.

Blondewithredlips · 21/12/2022 13:23

forththeroast · 21/12/2022 13:18

@Blondewithredlips you can't really define 'normal' with any confidence when it comes to normalising marriage. I think it's on a spectrum, with some couples having active sex lives and others, just companionship. I think the only key element in defining 'normal' in a marriage is probably love.

Possibly but this message and a sexless marriage is a huge red flag for me.

AnyRandomName · 21/12/2022 13:26

I'm sorry that you've had this upset.

I have a friend who has a DH who I (and others) have evidence of being gay. They sleep in separate bedrooms at his instigation due to her snoring. She's often on Facebook posting overly effusive messages of her love for him.

I guess I wish someone would enable her to see the wood for the trees with him. Although an anonymous text is brutal.

I hope you're not my friend

Original poster
Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 13:32

I will. He’s confused by it and wonders if it’s someone I know as they have my no…or a scam

OP posts: