Received this anonymous message re: H

[Blossom4538]

Hi, posted here for traffic. A little upset at the moment. I recieved this text message from
an anonymous sender today:-

“Why are you staying with xxxx. You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time”

Is it something doing the rounds or genuine? I’ve spoken to H and believe it’s not true and he’s not cheating. We do not have any sex life though and I could believe he’s bi-sexual.

They have my no and H’s name - shortened version which other people use, not me.

what the hell?!

All I’m saying is the situation is not clear at all. The evidence that this man is gay is pretty circumstantial, the message could well have been sent by someone who knew the OPs concerns and knew this type of thing would most upset her.
the OP and her husband have a long and caring relationship, with children and presumably many domestic responsibilities. Under these circumstances it may be better to take the softer route - as the OP will always need to have a cordial relationship with her husband due to their children.
i really think due to all this therapy would be extremely helpful in this situation.

My friend had something similar happen to her a few years ago. Turned out her husband had sent it himself (it was about having an affair) and he just couldn't face telling her himself.

Is there any chance it could be your DH?

My immediate thought was that your husband sent it. If he knows he's living a lie, and can't bring himself to tell you directly, it's a way of saying what he wants to tell you. Possibly because he really does love you, but can't help his sexuality.

OP, I haven't read the full thread, just your posts.

My XH left me, still denying that he was gay (to me, anyway; he"s never told me that he's gay but our DC refer to him as gay) , but he's now in a serious relationship with another man.

If you feel at any point that you need to connect with other people who have discovered their partner is a closeted member of the LGBTQ community, you can contact Straight Partners Anonymous (see poster).

In terms of the truth of the message you received, it is astonishing what people can do behind their partner's back and it goes unnoticed. The lack of intimacy is a big warning sign to me.

Someone who has been in denial about their sexuality for a long time has learnt to lie to themselves and everyone around them, they can play their part very well. I know, I spent 19 years in a relationship with a gay man who repeatedly told me (I asked directly a few times over the years) that he was not attracted to men. It's not at all implausible that your husband has been caught out in some way by someone. I'm really sorry if that is the case. It is a huge betrayal and deeply traumatic to learn that your best friend and life partner has never felt the same about you as you do about them and the implications and ramifications for your future are enormous.

But I want you to know that support is available from people have experienced similar, if it turns out that you need it.

I think he has wanted to initiate a sexual relationship a little more recently, after I told him I love him but felt things had changed between us. Nothing terrible and He has been trying so much harder with our relationship. More affectionate and touchy-feely! Less stressed and snappy. I am also very much off sex with him sadly, although I care and love him. It has been going on for a long time.

I don’t know why I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s Bi.

and I can’t remember who mentioned, but yes, def chance of SEN in H - which could I guess affect intimacy

I can’t think of anyone at all who has my number who would send the message.

Dd is just as confused as me and really seems to be telling the truth, but we’ll discuss further.

Off the back of what you have just said, OP, I do think that another point to consider is that people who are having an affair often increase intimacy with their partner during the affair period. I'm not sure why, maybe increased libido, guilt, feeling the need to cover tracks. I'm not saying he must be cheating, I just wanted to flag it as another point for consideration when you are trying to work your way through this. Sorry this is happening.

You sound so sad and warn out.

@fatsocatso I agree. But also, it has coincided with us having a chat and him trying a little harder with our relationship and not to be so irritable. He works hard and gets very tired. We have a lot on our plates.
OR he has been trying harder since our chat a while ago to cover his tracks…
he just doesn’t seem to be lying. He did seem tired and slightly subdued this evening , but again a busy day and not much sleep last night.

Oh OP, this is so painful to read. The reality is that I think your antennae have been activated and this isn't going to go away until you have exhausted all possibilities. It may be that you want it to go away, in which case you can ignore it, but it's going to eat away at you. I hate to say this as you seem very devoted to your DH, but you'll only find out the truth (if there is any truth to this message) if you go quietly digging without his knowledge.

@Blossom4538 apologies if someone has already suggested this but sounds like they have sent the message from a website rather than an actual mobile

smsanon.com/?gclid=Cj0KCQiA-oqdBhDfARIsAO0TrGFS-zcUAbsxahRHsQnh5gLmyaV5qQYTIaR6wzom4cce5TY0PReChsYaApMIEALw_wcB

I hope you do get the answers you need

Just a thought, is it entirely possible H sent this to you in order to guage your reaction?

A few observations:

Some of the answers to your post are a bit OTT or overreacting. Typical MN “it’s over, leave him” etc.

You said he denies it yet at the same time you could believe he might be bi. So you don’t believe him then? I’m confused.

You adore each other but don’t have sex. So is it going to be platonic relationship from now on or just the result of being with someone a long time? What did you both decide?
It’s easy for me to say this is a bit weird but then I haven’t been with someone for years on end.

This could just as easily be a cruel prank. If DH says he’s absolutely not gay and has never cheated then perhaps you should believe him? (Just another option!)

But the text said he was gay, not that he cheated.

I was the victim of a hate crime several years ago. There was no apparent motive for it, and I never found out who it was. I was completely minding my own business and doing good things with my life. The detectives working on my case eventually concluded that it was someone who felt they knew me who just wanted to upset me. It nearly ruined me. Some people are just hateful because that’s who they are. Just bear this in mind too :-)

He's got a boyfriend who wants to be the main partner. If you are happy in a sexless marriage with him having partners on the side then crack on but be prepared for the fact that he may leave eventually and start.your financial planning for that possibility.

To be honest I started to wonder that. Did he send it.

the op is determined to accept the status quo, doesn’t want to have sex with him, and I suspect doesn’t really care if he is gay as long as he stays, doesn’t cheat and nothing changes. Even though she herself would likely have cheated.

i am starting to wonder if he is so frustrated now he’s trying to get the op to act, put enough doubt in her mind, so he doesn’t need to be the bad guy and act, it’s a frustrated text. If he did, the issue he faces is she isn’t going to . She’s just disturbed by this.

conversely I often find that when someone declares “we adore each other” then nothing could be further from the truth.

Give it a day or two and try to check his phone to see e if he's texted anybody to ask if they contacted you

I wondered this too.

I was a victim of harassment and anonymous texts
my daughter (16) told me about the Snapchat trick
save the contact as a name you’ll recognise (I’ll suggest Sad Act)
download Snapchat ,make an account,search friends by allowing it to access your contacts and see if it comes up with a name.
mine did when I did it.
it was my partners children’s mother.

what a horrible message to receive.

What an awful and malicious thing to receive.

What would be the motivation for sending something like that: Someone definitely wants your husband and want to break up your marriage. I think they'll be back in touch.

The gay thing could be a red herring, designed to create doubt and distraction and explode your marriage.

Think about the people around you who you may have discussed intimate details of your marriage. Do you have anyone (female or male) who may be coveting your husband?

There's also the possibility that they might be after you and not your husband.

Have you shown your DH the message? What was his reaction?

Maybe for the sake of your sanity, just ignore and see if they return. Imagine if it is a nasty hoax?

Sometimes people are just nasty and they don’t have a reason. Talk to your husband. You’ll know what to believe.

Thank you all so much! It’s really bizarre and playing on my mind.

@Wisteriaroundthedoor we genuinely do adore each other. We are so, so close, despite the lack of intimate relationship.

@Santancrap Thanks! how was your message received? Mine states “anonymous”as sender and no other details.
Can that work somehow with the Snapchat trick?

Im not totally naive and appreciate this could be genuine. I am not sure he is gay. Perhaps someone could be after him or myself or some jealousy.

I agree that he could have sent it himself from another phone, because he can't face to tell you, but more likely to be from someone else.
I would just watch his phone more closely, something might pop up at some point.

I doubt he sent the message himself, what a bizarre thing to say, the way he behaved when the OP asked him if he was gay was too "normal". Makes no sense he would send the wife an anonymous message. The message could be from a disgruntled ex lover or someone close to the family who for some reason wants to hurt him (has he had a problem lately with someone?). The message is anonymous so not much the OP can do. If he's denying
all I would just let it go but would do some digging in my private time. This would include searching his phone, his browsing history in the computer (both at home and at work).

Besides this there's not much more she can do?

Have you tried putting the number into Google?
If it's a scam someone might of picked up on it.
If the number is on someone's social media it may show up

@Bluebellysmell there is no number. It is an anonymous text

Spoken about it again and I’m pretty sure he’s telling the truth. He is wondering if it is some sort of scam - but then usually do the try and get you to click on a link or prompt a reply to get what they’re after? I can’t respond, it appears as though can’t respond to the anonymous sender as poss via a particular app or they’ve blocked me, so seems strange. Or is it just something malicious to stir things up between people.
OR we feel maybe it’s someone who knows me and has my number, but not sure why they’d do it and can’t think who.

I am pretty sure I believe H. It’s just all very bizarre and a bit f**ed up!