To not have sympathy for my friend?

[lurkinglittleladybug]

I have an old school friend who’s been complaining about her partner taking zero interest in their children. She’s a stay at home mum and her partner works full time and is in a well paid job. He pays the bills and for anything her and the children need but she complains he’s not emotionally present with them. He doesn’t spend any time with them or help out at all with childcare.

I would normally have a low opinion of a man who can’t be arsed to spend time with his kids, and it is a shame for the children. But it’s so difficult to be sympathetic with my friend. I kind of feel like she made her own bed with this situation.

After a year of her being with her partner (at this point they had a really good relationship and lived together) , she knew he was strictly childfree and had no interest in children. So I was surprised when she announced her pregnancy but congratulated her as she was clearly happy about having a baby. She later told me that she knew her partner wouldn’t want to start a family so she just stopped taking the pill without telling him. He stays with her but becomes somewhat emotionally distant, I expect he was in shock. Friend was confident he would change his mind once their baby arrived.

After the baby is born he just takes zero interest, but she has lots of support from family. Nothing changes for a couple of years and then she announces she’s expecting her second child. I congratulate her, again I’m surprised, I had no idea they were trying. She then confides in me that she sabotaged the birth control again, this time the condoms they were using. At this point I make it clear I disapprove of her doing this. She becomes tearful saying what choice did she have and that her child needed a sibling. So I let the subject drop. Not wanting to be the asshole making my pregnant friend cry even though I think it’s a shitty thing to do.

Anyway now she has 2 children and she is complaining about how her partner has just emotionally checked out, not just with her children but also with her. He’s not interested in intimacy and is just going through the motions. It looks like their relationship is well and truly headed for the rocks this time.

I just find it so hard to be sympathetic with her, I mean what did she expect would happen? 🙄… Although obviously I’m very sad for the 2 children who face growing up with an emotionally distant dad…

Am I a terrible friend for not having sympathy for her?

I’m really struggling to stay friends with her knowing what I know, I just feel like I have lost respect for her. Although its difficult to end the friendship because we have known each other for such a long time.

and definitely think not uncommon, my mum admitted misusing the 'calendar method ' with my sister. And in her case tbh it worked out fine but my dad prob would be pretty pissed off if he knew, even though he loves her the same as the rest of us

I do have sympathy for him. But I can't understand why you'd be with someone who wants something totally different in life

Wow, people on MN are so harsh!

i wouldn’t sympathise with her but I wouldn’t stop being her friend

So did he never want children? If so he should have had a vasectomy. Even if children weren’t in your current plan how could you not love them once they were here🤷‍♀️He doesn’t sound like a loving person, childless or not.

Poor kids, poor guy too, trapped in a life he didnt want........I wouldnt have any sympathy for your friend either........and I think the reason you've had so many bizarre responses on here is down to the fact that women not taking contraception properly and accidentally on purpose falling pregnant is far more common than we'll ever know........you've probably pricked a few consciences 😬

He did he wore condoms, he probably didn't think he would have to check she hadn't stuck pins through them or whatever she did.

I feel so so sorry for the dad and children. Imagine if a man did this to a woman ?

She had sex with a guy whilst misleading him about the contraception. She's disgusting.

Even if children weren’t in your current plan how could you not love them once they were here🤷‍♀️

Because life is not the movies.

So a man should have surgery because he can't trust his wife? I'd tell him to LTB.

This is it, nothing else needs to be said. This "why was he having sex of he didn't want children" attitude is also disgusting!

K*ettrickenSmiled

You can never guarantee you're not going to die in a motorway crash either, but you can't be blamed if your co-pilot wrenches the wheel from you & drives you both into a truck.
*
^ absolutely this. All the bollocks being spoken about 'well he should have had a vasectomy .. how about he should of had the right to an HONEST partner ?

I see that on MN only women can be victims !

Blimey if we all thought like this, mn would have half the amount of threads

I'm sorry @lurkinglittleladybug - this was my immediate reaction too.

I don't think you should continue to be friends with her (well certainly not on the same level) - you've lost respect for her. Is there any coming back from that really? She was naïve to share this kind of information about herself. Definitely don't gossip about this though - don't tell a soul. Maybe kindly discuss with her how you feel?

What a sanctimonious arsehole comment on an anonymous forum .

Did posting that make you feel cool ? Because to me you appear to be a bit 'challenged' seeing as this is an anonymous forum.

If your wife or partner says she's taking contraception I'd not question it, there's a big difference between believing someone who you've only just met and someone you're living with.

Also if he's always taken the stance that he doesn't want dc, if an accident happens, your friend needs to be aware that he'll be asking her to terminate. Of course if she chooses not to, these are the consequences both her, and the children have to live with.

The old 'oh he'll change his mind once the dc come along' is always a recipe for disaster.

This happened to a male friend of mine. He got a vasectomy and a divorce in the same year shortly afterwards. Ironically the youngest child went to live with him following the divorce and he has a lovely relationship with him.

She stopped taking the pill and "sabotaged" the condoms (presumably pricked holes in it or something?!)

He thought he was taking all of the correct precautions. I feel sorry for him and am surprised he's still with her to be honest, unless she's lied to him and just acted shocked that the birth control 'didn't work'.

Your friend is very deceitful OP and I don't feel sorry for her, but I do feel sorry for the kids.

You can see from how this thread hit a nerve how common it is in various forms.
I knkw 2 who accidentally on purpose forgot pills and accidentally on purpose didn't mention it so cobdoms weren't used.
Ex friends now

I meant some people were being harsh to the OP.

As for the friend in question, I wouldn’t call her ‘disgusting’. Tricking her DH into the lifelong commitment of parenthood against his will was stupid and disrespectful behaviour. She is suffering the consequences, inevitably. So is he, so I would reserve sympathy for him and the children, but I would not treat her as a pariah.

I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. It's awful poor bloke, and poor kids when they do eventually spilt up.

Even if children weren’t in your current plan how could you not love them once they were here🤷‍♀️

@BellePeppa You're joking, right? Not everyone loves or wants children. This is a very naive comment. Those children's entire lives will be impacted by their mother telling a stupid lie. It's a horrendous thing to do.

It should be illegal. Its evil and twisted.

It happens, not on the same page on one area but otherwise a great partner. So long as everyone puts their cards on the table and gets to choose whether to stay or go, is the relationship worth it basically, it isn't a problem. Provided you know what you're committing to.
Family friend of my parents (late 60's) married when young. He firmly didn't want children she really did. There is no compromise in that situation. She decided she wanted him knowing she would remain child free. They've had a long and happy marriage, she has channelled her nurturing side into other things and has made a difference to many lives.
Anything is possible and can be made a success where honesty prevails.
It all turns to a shit-show where people are hoodwinked, coerced, deceived and betrayed.

Shit behaviour all round and it’s the dc who will suffer.

It’s not his fault he was deceived, but it was very naive of him to rely on contraception.

I get the motorway analogy, but it’s also the same as him knowing he had an option that would ensure this life changing thing that he didn’t want never happened, that he would never crash no matter what nutter was with him in the car. And he decided not only not to take it, but to also get back in the car with the nutter who made him crash last time.

I also have never subscribed to the belief that it’s totally fine for a dad to check out emotionally/physically if he never really wanted children but had risky sex anyway (I count risky as not having had a a vasectomy and all the relevant checks afterwards). Sex using any other method of contraception is risky if dc is such a huge dealbreaker for you that your life will be ruined and you will emotionally neglect them when they get here.

Stupid and disrespectful 🤣
She betrayed him in the most fundamental way and gave him a life sentence of a life he didn't want. He doesn't get another life. This is it, and he's stuck living it in a way a million miles from what he wanted.
Evil and twisted is closer. The wife might have been a naive idiot in motive but the result is sick. 3 lives stolen of their real potential on the alter of her selfish wishes.