Partner wanting sex when I'm WFH?!

[whatsthepointinthis]

NC for this. Sorry but this has really annoyed me and I need to know I'm not being unreasonable here. Please move elsewhere if it's not appropriate here.

Partner has just left for work. I'm taking my lunch break hence posting here.

We have 2 children in the house, one of whom is under 2, so granted we don't get a lot of "us" time anymore but I think his pushy-ness this morning takes the piss a bit.

I'm wfh today, partner is on a late shift so not starting work til after lunch. He's done the school/nursery drop offs this morning, ran a few errands, and come home about 10.30 ish. He has then basically hung around me making insinuations about sex... I'm literally sat at my laptop by the way when he's doing this. I said I'm working, not now... He said I could "take a break" and we could "make it quick" etc. I replied something like: "wow that's an attractive offer 🙄 how about instead let's make some time this evening and make it more relaxed / special", and I reiterated that really needed to get the work done that I was focusing on! But he kept persisting then seemed to go sulky. I ignored him and carried on working. I reiterated about this evening when kids are in bed and he said (sorry if tmi):"yeah ok.. but I won't last long as it's been that long. So I thought just a quick one now would be a good idea".

At that point I just felt so annoyed! I'm trying to work and I'm not there to service him so he lasts longer later, ffs! And it's not even been that long - to say we have a young child who still doesn't sleep great and takes up so much of our time, and we both work long hours FT, we are doing ok - for context last time was only 3 weeks ago and we average 2-3 times a month. It's like he doesn't value the importance of my work, too, and it's somehow less important because I can do it from home. Imagine me turning up at his workplace demanding sex when he's on shift?!

Anyway. Was he being a bit annoying and pushy here? Or am I overreacting to be still annoyed with him 🙄

All right to ask, many say, but actually He has then basically hung around me making insinuations about sex...
That's totally off-putting.

I think asking once is fine. Pestering is not fine.

Also saying “it’ll be quick” even if later on is really shitty. Tell him - “I’ll be up for it when you’re feeling able to take our time over it” - no piv until you’re satisfied. He can have a wank for his “quickie”

He sounds grim

Has this thread been populated by sex starved man babies or something?

So the man has been without sex for three weeks and the OP has suggested that they make time for each other tonight, but no. That’s not good enough apparently and she’ should put out while she’s working because he can’t possibly last. And the op is the one being unreasonable? Okayyy.

The answer was no. The end. No discussion needed, no justification needed. No is all that needed to be said.

If people want to shag like rabbits when working then crack on. But nobody is wrong to say no, for any reason they choose. And if he was mine he wouldn’t be getting any tonight either after that kind of behaviour.

I think you saying last time was only three weeks ago says a lot.

I wouldn't be happy with 2/3 times a month. We've been married for 25 years and that's about how often we do it weekly, even when the DCs were young we made time.

WFH has been a huge plus.

well it sends the message that he doesn't think your wfh is really work - would he go into your office if you worked out of the home and ask you to have sex?
His behaviour would annoy me intensely - IMO (and I'm obviously in the minority) it was disrespectful to ask and very unpleasant to keep asking after you'd said no and to sulk. Massive turn off

good for you.

How nice that he respects your job so much ....

Not unreasonable for him to suggest it. Once. Not unreasonable for you to say no - and saying no once should have been enough. This close to Christmas breaks lots of people are actually working really hard to get things done in time for the Bank Holidays so having a good work ethic isn't something to be made fun of imo. Him pestering would have put me off for the evening's promise as well tbh - it may have seemed annoying but harmless but consent as a result of sexual coercion can be charged as a criminal offence so it's not a small thing. You have the right to say no whether you had sex last night, last month or last year and you also have the right to expect him to respect that.

Jesus will you take the ramrod out of your arse! Most employees are entitled to a pair lunch break. It’s none of the employer’s business how you spend that time as long as it doesn’t embarrass the company.

Do you office based employees have never had sex on the job?

Whining and nagging for sex mid morning when you’ve said ‘no, I’m working’ is a total turn off. He needs to grow up a little.

YANBU

Wow I'm on a break and there are too many replies to keep up with or respond individually to. But to those who commented on the frequency not being a lot - we've worked hard at getting it to 2-3 a month honestly!

Before baby number 2 it was more like 2-3 a week. After baby 2 I struggled a lot due to birth trauma (which causes me pain), so it slipped massively. We've had counselling for this to help us get on track. So 2-3 a month is actually an improvement for us. Hopefully we will get it back to pre baby at some point but it's not easy when there is physical pain for me. DP does understand this and I know he has needs (so do I - it's frustrating for me too), but we have to go at a pace that's right for us so for now this is how it is 🤷‍♀️

Regardless of frequency though, I still don't think him pestering when I'm clearly busy working was right. If I'd been on a break fair enough.

My husband and I are super honest with each other. Even said to him once.. OK but I'm knackered so you can do all the work 😂. We both work from home, so a quicky on our 'break', is a great perk to the job. We have 2 young children (youngest being 2), and have sex most nights, always have, so I guess it's a bit different for us as we have higher sex drives I guess.

If it irritated you, and you didn't find his advances attractive, then you're not being unreasonable in how you feel. At least you were honest with him, and he with you. Like you said, just make some time instead, when you're both not working and the kids are in bed, you both need to put in the effort, even if he doesn't last long 😆

I’d be pissed off with only 2-3 times a month, we do 3-4 times a week and we also have young children and both working. But the comment that he won’t last long, I’d be telling him to grow up, he’s not a 16 year old boy.

Nothing wrong with the suggestion but he should have accepted it gracefully when you said you were busy working on something. However, I do think you are not having sex very often. If you still fancy him I think you should give intimacy a higher priority tbh.

Work is work time, not sex time.

Unless you were the former Prime Minister caught in his office with the woman who is (as of today) his third wife.

Those who are saying they have higher sex drives and wouldn't be happy with 2-3 a month..... that used to me, before I suffered physical birth trauma which makes it hurt sometimes. It's amazing what that does to your libido. It's not because my desire for sex or my partner has gone. It's because it bloody hurts sometimes. And yes that's frustrating and upsetting for me too.

Just seen your comment about sex currently being painful for you (which I understand as have experienced the same) but intimacy can take other forms not just penetrative sex so maybe try other things some of the time.

A fully grown adult begging for sex and then sulking when told not right now is up there with the baby talk of the genitals for major ick for me so u are nbu at all personally couldn't be with someone that begs for it then sulks if doesn't get any knocks me green just thinking about it.

Yeah, he was awful after your first no.

I don't think the initial offer was disrespectful to you or your work - he might have viewed it similar to other breaks and that you'd both likely have more energy mid-morning than in the evening- but after that, yeah, he's putting his dick first in a most off-putting way.

No wonder employers are demanding staff return to the office!

Yeah, because no one has ever been caught shagging at the office or going somewhere for a 'lunch' that was actually sex.

Day time sex when kids are at school/nursery surely is the big perk of wfh? He shouldn’t sulk but can’t blame him for suggesting it.

His pestering is pathetic and would really annoy me. No means no so just stop.

having said that, your sex life does seem pretty non existent, have you stopped to think why that might be? Can see why he’s being a desperate but his behaviour is not going to improve things.

@whatsthepointinthis sorry to hear you had trauma and pain post birth! That’s so stressful especially with a bad sleeper!
I had pelvic floor hypertension following my second, so completely understand where your coming from.
it really affected the intimacy in our relationship for a few months. It was really depressing having average/bad/painful sex, and knowing what we’d been capable of in the past.

Thank god for pelvic floor physios, it’s now completely better and we’ve rebuilt our sex life back to what it was. We’re both so much happier and close as a couple.
I think it’s definitely worth having a convo, at a later time when your both relaxed, and really going over everything your feeling with your DH, if you haven’t already. My DH was super understanding once I explained how stressed and worried I was; and how much I wanted to get back to normal sex. I know men can be sex pests but they can also be so sweet and loving once they understand.
x

Remind your partner that sexual harrassment in the workplace is illegal.

Draw very clear boundaries around your work space, whether it's a separate room or a corner of the kitchen table; and around your work hours (use an in/out on/off working/home sign if necessary).

Having sex on your break while WFH is absolutely fine, def one of the benefits. I have fond memories when we still WFH of my DH offering to make me a coffee for when my break started and finding said coffee on my bedside table with him naked and ready to go next to it. I still did all my work hours and I'd argue I was much happier and more productive after!

However repeated pestering is not on at all and would be a real turn off. I agree 3 weeks is a long time but no excuse for that behaviour!