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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to send my DD only to private school because she has special needs?

104 replies

Cookiecrumblepie · 18/12/2022 20:22

My daughter will be starting reception next year, and she's just been diagnosed with autism. At the moment she is fine at her small nursery but she doesn't like busy environments and lots of stimulation etc, so I'm thinking a private school with small class size would be perfect for her.

However I can't afford to send both my children to private school, and my other younger daughter I would have to send to a public school.

Will this create resentment in future? Has anyone grown up with a sibling with special needs (and required extra help). Were you resentful? Or did you grow up understanding why your parents treated each child differently?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 18/12/2022 20:24

How old is your younger daughter? What will you do if she has similar needs?
Will you manage two school runs/term dates if they run differently?

ClangingBell · 18/12/2022 20:25

Are you thinking that her needs will be severe enough to need a specialist school? Or are you thinking that mainstream private school will work just because of the smaller class sizes? Private schools are often terrible with additional needs, so you’d need to be very careful. Also, what if your younger child turns out to have the same needs?

Zanatdy · 18/12/2022 20:28

I know siblings like this, not due to special needs but elder child went to private school, their DD wanted to go to the local secondary which was within walking distance to their home. All her friends were going and she refused to look around any private schools. In all honesty they were relieved as they couldn’t really afford one let alone two (grandparents were helping). Fortunately the local secondary is an outstanding school

Crazydogmumma · 18/12/2022 20:29

I know this is not the point of your thread but I work in mainstream nurseries with specialist units attached- none of the (many) private schools near us will accept children with additional needs. So you may need to find out if this is even possible before making your decision. Have you started the EHCP process as this should help pay for some support in a mainstream school. Good luck.

Macaroni46 · 18/12/2022 20:29

When I taught in a private schools there was an unusually high number of children with autism/ADHD etc because lots of parents thought the same as you OP. Their needs were not necessarily well met either.

golfwidow88 · 18/12/2022 20:29

I agree with above poster; some private schools are shocking.

My son is nearly 11; ASD and ADHD. The ADHD is much more prevalent though.

We moved him out of state to private in Year 2. First school was amazing and his SENCO was great but it unfortunately it closed down.

He then went to a second private school and it was awful. One teacher actually said to us that he was just naughty and to take him back to be retested!!

We pulled him out after that comment and refused to pay a months notice. It was appalling.

We then had found a new school which has been okay. He's off to senior next year and the two schools we like have great provisions. So we shall see.

Sometimes I wish we just didn't move him at all. But hoping senior school may be better.

sadsomeone · 18/12/2022 20:30

I considered sending my DD who has autism to a private school. They said they wouldn't accept her as they don't offer 1:1 help and she would need to fit in with them.

I know they would need to make reasonable adjustments but they seemed very very reluctant. It wasn't the sort of environment I wanted my DD to be in.

Fedupnowhadenough · 18/12/2022 20:30

Private schools aren’t great with kids with special needs

golfwidow88 · 18/12/2022 20:30

Also; re younger sibling. DD is still a baby but if she has any signs of ASD etc then we can afford for her to go to private. If not I'm not sure we will bother? Unsure at the moment! See how she gets on.

Original poster
Cookiecrumblepie · 18/12/2022 20:30

Younger daughter is 2, she hasn't displayed any signs of autism. School runs and different holidays will be fine, I live very close to both a private school and an outstanding rated public school, and I have family support.

Currently medical assessment and nursery say my DD doesn't need a specialist school, but she would benefit from smaller class sizes, more 121 attention. I've visited the public school and it's a very busy environment that I think DD would struggle with. I think she could cope, but she wouldn't thrive.

I am very aware of creating jealousy between siblings, but I just can't afford the same opportunities for both. However I think providing the best I can for each, given their different needs should hopefully be understood by the when they're older?!

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2022 20:31

I think you should probably look at the specific schools available in your area and then make a decision about which school is best, there's no guarantee that a private school would be better (often worse!).

Sirzy · 18/12/2022 20:31

Many private schools aren’t brilliantly set up to deal with children with additional needs.

what will you do if your younger child also has additional needs?

NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2022 20:32

Also, just FYI public school also essentially means private in England. You mean a state school (free).

Sirzy · 18/12/2022 20:33

Ds didn’t show signs of autism at 2 really. He is 13 now and has full time 1-1 in school to allow him to come close to accessing the curriculum.

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 18/12/2022 20:33

As others have said, what happens if your younger child also has additional needs and would benefit from private education?

That’s assuming private school is even the answer. Just because there are smaller class sizes it doesn’t mean your child will be ok there and some private schools reject applications from children who have additional needs for whatever reason.

mangoesaretheonlyfruit · 18/12/2022 20:34

I know a family that did this OP. It did cause resentment for a long while until the child who went to the state school became an adult and gained some perspective.

I would send each child to the school that best meets their needs, but I understand your predicament.

lunar1 · 18/12/2022 20:39

You don't know what your second daughter will need in the future. You can't invest so much in one child and not the other.

You certainly can't tell at two years old.

BedTaker · 18/12/2022 20:41

I don't have tonnes of anecdata of this, but what I do have tells me that private schools aren't great at helping children with autism.

Testina · 18/12/2022 20:42

Are you in the U.K.? Just you talking about public schools… if you’re not in the U.K. we may give you bad advice about keeping her in state schools.

gliiterryballs · 18/12/2022 20:43

Why don't you home educate?

saraclara · 18/12/2022 20:44

My brother went to a private school for similar reasons (though due to frequent hospitalisation meaning that he missed a lot of primary school and it was clear that he'd struggle in secondary.

I didn't mind one bit. But his school was a Steiner school and I found it freaky. No way would I have wanted to go there, so there was no jalousy at all.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 18/12/2022 20:46

You potentially have at least a decade of private school fees - is it possible to consider investing that money in a different way and moving?
we have lived in two areas of England, hundreds of miles apart, but similar in that we were in small villages about 20/30 minutes drive from a large city.
our DC all went to village schools that had v small class sizes and still do, good SEN provision too.

SeenAndNot · 18/12/2022 20:47

My sibling went to a private secondary and I didn’t, for valid reasons. I was happy in my school. They couldn’t join me there. I don’t resent them one bit. Made no difference on what we achieved at uni & post uni.

lifehappens12 · 18/12/2022 20:49

We were considering this but for a child with speech delay. We thought he would be left behind in state school by the lack of attention and big classes sizes.

So we thought he would be better at a private primary school. We have a great private speech therapist who works at the local schools and she put us off. Her reasons were that the schools are very academic and if he start to fall behind and struggle that will be very difficult for him.

What we have done instead is kept our private therapist and she goes to the school and helps us and helps him. So rather then pay for private education we will look to see what we can add with additional help.

So I know speech delay is different but my son gets overwhelmed by the large group learning but his therapist is working with him and school to put strategies in place.

Sorry for the ramble but this is what we are doing

CouldYouGetRid · 18/12/2022 20:50

2 of my siblings went to private school, me and my other 2 siblings went to the local state school. This was because my parents had more money when my youngest siblings came along. Plus they felt one of those siblings might have struggled in state secondary school.

I don't resent my siblings or my parents for that decision.

However, I'm a professional who supports autistic children in schools. State schools are generally much better resourced, experienced and set up for autistic children.

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