AIBU to send my DD only to private school because she has special needs?

[Cookiecrumblepie]

My daughter will be starting reception next year, and she's just been diagnosed with autism. At the moment she is fine at her small nursery but she doesn't like busy environments and lots of stimulation etc, so I'm thinking a private school with small class size would be perfect for her.

However I can't afford to send both my children to private school, and my other younger daughter I would have to send to a public school.

Will this create resentment in future? Has anyone grown up with a sibling with special needs (and required extra help). Were you resentful? Or did you grow up understanding why your parents treated each child differently?

I chose to send my SN dc to a private secondary - and it’s been an excellent choice. But my younger do has completely different needs that I feel will be better met in the local school. She’s also more likely to go on to university and need our financial support at that point.

I think you just have to try and meet each individual child’s needs as best you can.

I am in the UK, but I'm not from the UK originally hence mixing up my wording with public/private schools!

It's really useful to hear opinions as I'm still at a point where I can change my decision. I did speak to her nursery teacher who said at the moment DD doesn't need any SEN support. But we saw a specialist doctor who said DD is definitely autistic, with social/emotional challenges. I suspect her learning may be okay but socialisation will be the difficult. If course I can't be sure, am discovering things day by day.

Thank you - yes I just want to provide the best I can for each to thrive, within the means that I have. I could send DD to a state school/free, but I worry that she will struggle more.

If you're going to do this choose VERY CAREFULLY

DS has some SEN and is in a private school. One of the reasons we chose them ks that they were known for a nurturing environment. They still get superb results but it's a school run along the lines of - if we care academic success will follow.

DS has had a lot of 1 to 1 support where required, they've pushed hum at what he's good at ( he's in year 6 and doing year 9 maths) and supported him where he struggles. It's worked. Hes now in waiting list for an excellent school and has scholarship for another.

However 2 schools close by manage out children with "issues" around year 3. Some of them have ended up at DSs school and their parents have told me their DC was just left to drift and constantly berated for not laying attention, poor hand writing etc. etc. They were also sold the nurturing environment story. Ask a school how many children left at the end of years 1, 2 and 3 and reasons given. Theirs answers or lack of the. could be very revealing..Ask other parents What they think ESPECIALLY of you know any whose children left school before end. Trust your gut. Ask to look round during school day (if they say no forget it)

The small.class.sizes combined with good support can be brilliant but the wrong choice could end in a horrible mess probably in year 3

Private schools are notoriously bad for SEN

Outstanding schools doesn't equal better teaching.

Private schools don't have the resources to support sen as the need just isn't there in the way it is at state schools.
Teachers aren't as used dealing with Sen either.

Outstanding schools were probably given the status at least 7 years ago now and if they were to get re inspected, they would get good max with outstanding features because ofsted just won't give outstanding anymore.
Plus the pressure on teachers is insane. I have worked in outstanding schools- trust me, some of the teachers I would have teaching my SEN tomorrow, others and I would be running for the hills.

Just go look round schools and look at the ethos and see how your child gets on.
Private if all else fails.

My friends sent their autistic son to a "lovely" private school with small classes, they provided hardly any support and arguably caused a lot of problems for him, he's now at a much larger state school which can access the support he needs

I don't think that private schools necessarily cater for sen pupils well enough. In my experience, class sizes are not that much smaller than state schools, and if a child is overwhelmed at a school with 30 pupils per class, they'll likely still be overwhelmed when there's 20.

State schools have access to lots of resources for pupils with extra needs, and if this is utilised well, then there's no reason why a child with autism can't thrive. I would consider a well regarded state school, rather than private, especially for primary age children.

Having said that, I went to private school and my sister to state school in secondary, and I don't think there was any resentment on her part, so it could work for you.

If you look at Ofsted reports for state schools and ISI reports for independent (private) schools, you will be able to see how many children with diagnosed SEN are on roll and what the inspectors think of the SEN provision.

Our DD was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD at 7 (year 2, now year 5) and her private school have been fantastic - but that was just good luck - we hadn't picked it for that reason.

If the school does have a good SENCO, there will probably be fewer children with additional needs at a private school, so there's that.

OP I don't think it's unreasonable to send kids to different schools based on what you think they need. But, private schools may not be as supportive as the state sector of children with autism. Don't assume because it's private they'll be best placed to give her what she needs. In early years some of the best examples of nurseries supporting children with SEN are local authority maintained nursery schools. It will depend on the individual schools you're thinking of and I'd encourage you to dig in as much as you can to try to find out about the schools and the provision they make.

This.

DD1 has always attended special school. DDs 2&3 attended a small village primary because DD2 (with ASD) needed it. DD3 then moved to a larger primary when DD2 left for secondary, which was what DD3 wanted.

Now, DD1 is in specialist college (5 staff to 9 students), DD2 moved to a specialist school after falling apart at secondary (now at least 2 staff to 3 pupils), DD3 is in standard state school.

DD2's old head teacher was amazed that DD2 needed special school when she heard. Children change so much over the years. You just can't predict the future based on how they are now.

The best thing you could do for your daughter is to apply for an Educational Health Care Plan (EHCP). I’ll be honest it’s not an easy process but will hopefully mean that your daughters needs can be meet throughout her education up to the age of 25. Under an EHCP the local authority will pay for a private school if this is deemed the best place to meet your daughters needs. I enquired at a lot of private schools about my daughter who also has autism (and other diagnosis's). The general attitude wasn’t good - a lot said they were full. I got the sense they didn’t want my daughter there screwing up their performance statistics. My daughter is now at a specialist school for children with ASC (but no learning disability) and she’s doing really well- specialist school just “get it” a lot of the time. Your daughter is still young so you could apply for EHCP to start in mainstream then as she gets older it will be there if her needs change or escalate. A lot of autistic girls cope ok in primary but struggle in secondary school. Also as other posters have said you have yo factor in your other daughter.

@Shoeoholic thank you, that is really helpful!! I will look into an ECHP, the doctor did mention it was an option.

I sent my eldest DS to a private school for SEN reasons. It was great in many ways for him - nurturing and small classes. He did get a lot of support but he still didn't get particularly good GCSEs. Maybe slightly better than he would have achieved in mainstream but I can't know that for sure - he could have done better in mainstream, I'll never know!

My advice would be to go for it if you think the environment will be beneficial but don't assume they can work miracles with grades if your child struggles academically.

My brother had severe dyslexia growing up and went to a private school especially for dyslexic kids years 7-11 after being failed terribly by regular schools. I went to the same school that failed him and we are both equally successful (albeit me a bit further in my career as im older). I hold absolutely no resentment its what he needed and I didnt.

Like the others have said, private school doesn’t mean the support will be any better.

Our DD was diagnosed with ASD (the first of many diagnoses) in nursery. Everyone insisted she would be ok at mainstream when she had to move on. I did NOT agree. Eventually we came to a deal, we give her until Christmas and re-evaluate then.
I fully expected that she would need a special school or some facility to help her more.

This was not the case. DD thrived in there. She was a different child. And we could never put our finger on it. The very same thing happened on her move to high school. I never thought she would cope. Dear lord , it’s the best thing that’s ever happened.

Really investigate all your options OP, because this might not work out quite as you think.

I'm going to echo all the others you need to find out the private schools attitude to SEN.

In my experience Private schools will manage (to a limited degree) kids with SEN who achieve academically but if there are academic issues that might threaten their league table position the kids will be out. There is often much better resourcing in the state sector too (which given current budgetary restrictions there is amazing!).

I have several friends with kids split across state and private. The kids in state are all there for SEN support. Several have been moved from private with varying degrees of parental choice (ie. one family were basically told their kid wasn't welcome back the next academic year).

My Autistic DS is now 13 and at a state secondary school. He's considered 'high functioning" with no learning disabilities. He masked all throughout his primary school (who refused to acknowledge his ASD traits) and then fell apart in year 7. He just couldn't do it anymore due to the busy chaotic environment, sensory overload, uncertainty surrounding teenage kids and their behaviour as well as other issues. Pastoral care has been piss poor and I'm probably considered a nuisance for ringing so often but he isn't able to advocate for himself..

DS is just about coping day to day but it's inevitable at some point he will have autistic burnout and avoid school again. I would HE if it was up to me. Problem is he WANTS to go to a mainstream school and doesn't feel like he'd fit in with other SEN kids at a specialist school. He's masked for too long and it's a problem for a lot of HF Autistic students in a mainstream setting - they are desperate to fit in.

In your situation I'd do some research on SEN provision at both schools before making a decision. As PP said your DD might be okay in primary school but it's at secondary when they really struggle.

Great your daughters doctor is onboard. If you apply for an EHCP you could ask them if they can write a letter of support as this will help secure an EHCP with the LA. Also it’s not just education my daughter also gets weekly speech and language therapy and occupational therapy as part of her EHCP, unfortunately these resources are under resourced through the NHS. My daughter would not be receiving the provision she is if we had to rely on the NHS. Good luck for you and your daughters.

I would say this is a non-starter. The private schools around where I am wouldn’t take in a child with special needs.

We nearly attended our local private school but fortunately changed our minds and the state school she goes to, her class is actually smaller than it would have been at the private school (around 17 but she’s actually in a class of 11).

I’d “shop around” the local state (not public, which means private) schools to find the right one.

I’ve had my kids in both sectors. Eldest went state all the way, now at an RG uni, AA A at a level. Middle was private from year 1-6 state 6-11 and back to private for 6th form. Youngest private from reception, state from year 7 and May or May not go back to private for 5th form. Middle has ADHD and undiagnosed but pretty obvious autism and it became clear by year 10 they needed the pastoral support the state couldn’t offer. In my experience private can deal well with kids who struggle socially but are academically sound but not much more than that:

i am clear with my kids, we do the best for each of them based on their needs and being fair doesn’t mean always doing the same

There are some appalling generalisations on this thread, based on individual anecdata. OP no two schools are the same so it's not a case of private vs state, it's school Vs school. You need to visit them, speak to the SENCOs, ask v specific questions about provision, funding etc. On its own, sending one private and not the other needn't cause resentment if it's handled and explained well as what suits each child.

As everyone else has said, don’t assume private will be better. I’d add to your consideration: moving to a different catchment area. My kids are at a village primary, 5-10 in year year group, really nurturing environment. I’ve met two families this year who had their kids in two very highly regarded private schools near us, but the SEN provision turned out to be nowhere near as good as it was sold to them, and they’re getting better support in our state school. Then both of your kids would get the nurturing education.

And honestly, yes I think you could easily have resentment if you send only one of them to private school. They’d probably look back as adults and recognise your point of view, but what sacrifices would you be making as a family to have one child at that school?

DP is one of 3. Oldest went to private school and youngest 2 didn't. It definitely has caused a divide between them. They still love each other immensely and get on incredibly well but often big rows will happen because one has had a more privileged education thus has a different world view.

Mine are older, year 10 DD and year 8 DS. DDs private school is amazing and she is thriving. DS did year 7 at a different private school (DDs is all girls) and hated it, he was fading before my eyes and over summer begged me to let him go to our local state school with his friends. He has just started there and loves it, I can’t see there being issues or resentment in the future.

A slightly different situation but an example of having one at private and one at state.