AIBU to send my DD only to private school because she has special needs?

[Cookiecrumblepie]

My daughter will be starting reception next year, and she's just been diagnosed with autism. At the moment she is fine at her small nursery but she doesn't like busy environments and lots of stimulation etc, so I'm thinking a private school with small class size would be perfect for her.

However I can't afford to send both my children to private school, and my other younger daughter I would have to send to a public school.

Will this create resentment in future? Has anyone grown up with a sibling with special needs (and required extra help). Were you resentful? Or did you grow up understanding why your parents treated each child differently?

Lots of good advice on this already so won’t repeat anything but if you get an ehcp you may be able to get a place fully funded at a smaller class size independent school through the local authority if you can prove that a particular school is the best one for her and the only one that can meet her needs. Doesn’t have to be a specialist school. In Norfolk for example the LA frequently sends children with an ehcp to All Saints which is a normal independent school but they accept a high proportion of children with sen. My son is at another independent school - his is a specialist one and day places cost £65k a year and his place is fully funded by Norfolk council.

Apply for an ehcp yourself. Now. Don’t wait.

I think it depends on the school as well as the nature/ presentation of your dds autism.

mine are at a non selective, very inclusive private school - whole child approach, known for supporting dyslexia as well as some autism. They don’t have capacity for 1:1 support, but have an excellent SEN advisor who supports teachers in developing learning plans and adapting strategies for SEN children. One of mine is suspected SEN (fine academically but challenges emotionally and socially) and they have been excellent about taking an individual approach and identifying micro adjustments to support her within the context of a small class. The school has been proactive and supportive, and have had a much more nuanced approach than was possible in a larger class.

that said, there are some children in nursery that they were unable to support moving into reception. From what I hear from other parents, they have been clear and considerate about what they can and cannot provide, so worth a candid conversation with your prospective school. If they cannot enthusiastically embrace your child’s special needs, it isn’t going to work out.

Following as I am in the same position. Very intelligent and academic DD who struggles with social, emotional and sensory side of nursery. I think when people hear SEN they think learning difficulties, but I am confident my daughter will do well academically anywhere - it's her wellbeing and mental health I'm concerned about

It's so hard to envisage how she will do in the two different environments. The private school we looked at said they had a strong focus on pastoral care and wellbeing, but I wasn't totally convinced when we had a tour. There was actually one occasion when a teacher forced a small child to make eye contact, which made me really uncomfortable.

Also - don’t listen when people say your child won’t get an echp. Lots of people - including teachers etc- don’t understand that sensory needs and emotional well-being is taken into account for an ehcp. It isn’t just about academic failure or achievement.

Get the ball rolling for your daughter to be assessed for an EHCP.
I know private schools do not have to abide by them as far as I'm aware, but if there is any chance your dd will be in a mainstream state school at any point.. it is important for funding, support etc.

You may have to be pushy about it as most areas try to discourage parents because it means they have to provide support...but it is important.

And please do not discount state schooling.. having worked with children who have autism for years, there is some wonderful provision out there...and acceptance. Also, children change. I'm in special ed, and the number of children who start in mainstream and then transfer to special school by yr 3 is quite considerable..children are ok in the early years curriculum but even bright ones struggle as they move up and the pace quickens often because children with autism learn differently.
My ASD child started in mainstream nursery but moved quickly to special ed..and thrived. My friend's son went to a private school but was managed out when his difficulties made him stand out a bit.
There are some amazing private schools that are asd specialist but a lot are not keen on having any children with special needs... and if your dd has been diagnosed this early I suspect they might find this an issue.

Honestly- don't.
I've been there, done that. It all ended abruptly and horribly wrong and the effects are still being felt several years after. In my case, the school completely denied my dc had any form of special needs and were very quick to tell me it was my parenting. They were also equally quick to (illegally) permanently exclude my dc. My dc is now diagnosed autistic with several other 'things' and is in a special school.

Despite what the school will tell you, they are there basically to get bums on seats. Especially with children who fit the image and ethos of the school.
What they definitely wont tell you is that if your child needs any form of individual tuition/1-1/assessments then they will expect you to pay for it. Private reports can be very, very expensive and often private schools have their preferred providers. State schools are given funding as part of their special needs budget for things like this, and a child with an EHCP often (but not always) comes with funding attached to their EHCP. Don't be swayed by the 'small class sizes' thing either. A lot of primary schools, especially in reception have small groups for a lot of things, especially for social and emotionally focused work.

I'd go public at primary level, and yes there will be challenges due to the autism but that would happen anywhere. If difficulty persists you could then look at private second level.

My impression from MN was that private schools were not very good with child with additional needs. Also that some made it clear they didn't want them

Be careful. If your dd needs 1:1 in school, you may have difficulty getting the private school to fund it. Autistic children tend to struggle more later on in the school system in my experience… and it’s impossible to tell about your younger dc at her age.

There may be resentment but if her social skills are poor, the other child may well be better off in a different school. My parents took my sister out of a school for those with learning / physical disabilities at age 7 to be with me. I couldn't make friends I would gel with, as they wouldn't want to hang around with my sister. Sounds so mean but I really resent my school years. Just another side to think about.

It's very unusual for a girl to be diagnosed so young. Were you looking for it (family history?) or is her autism quite noticeable already? If it's already noticeable I'd be very careful about the private school provision, but also the lack of friendship opportunities in a very small class. I haven't noticed private schools, and the parents of the children there, to have a particularly inclusive approach to difference. (this is a polite way of describing the very bitchy bullying culture at private girls schools here)

Your other daughter could also very easily have autism but diagnosed later. If you can't afford private for both, would you take your older child out in place of your younger if needs be?

If you sent DD1 private, would there be enough funds for DD2 to do extra curricular or have extra tuition help if needed?

due to cost and varying provision in private and state schools, I’d try state school 1st and then look into private or home Ed if it wasn’t working out

We’ve done the opposite OP. NT child to private. ND (not at all severe) child to state.

That was because none of the private options felt appropriate for him; that doesn’t mean that the private school you have in mind for your DD won’t be appropriate for her, but you definitely need to speak to all involved at the school (class teacher, head, head of pastoral, SENCO) to get a really good understanding of what the school’s attitude and approach is. Sadly we have friends in several families who have been desperate to keep their kids in the private sector when it is really, really not suiting them.

My parents sent my sister to private and not me. Bit different, it was because she was very intelligent and I was average. It set me up to think poorly of myself and to just expect I deserve less for life. I know your circumstances are quite different here though, but I think that yes it's likely to cause issues.

It's not unreasonable for any parent to want to find the most appropriate school for their children so YANBU.

It does sound like you might have rose tinted glasses on some parts of the independent sector. Not all private schools are good with SEN.

You might find that your best route would be applying for an EHCP and getting advice from SEN groups on the process to make sure it's worth the paper it's written on. For example, you don't want something that says 'Martha might benefit from smaller classes' because it's easy for schools to wriggle out or argue she doesn't need it. It would be better for it to state "Martha requires classes of no more than 15".

Where I live it's fairly well known that state school offers the best support for special needs. I know people who have moved their children out of private school as it wasn't offering the support they needed for autistic issues.

I agree. Our children with dyslexia have thrived in a small-ish private school. They have friends with autism / ADHD who have also done very well.

You need to visit the schools and speak to the staff.

My eldest son is high functioning autistic. He started at a private school in year 7 in September due to similar reasons you said (there are only 12 in his class).
He has absolutely thrived. The change we have seen in him is unbelievable. On the first week he himself was able to say I feel calm it's not noisy at school anymore.
I will be saving as much as possible now though as I want my youngest to have the same opportunities. Just be careful that you may feel the same about your youngest once the oldest has started.

Private schools not always great with special needs. If your daughter needs any 1:1 (or they decide she does) you would have to pay for it. You may need to be prepared to move back to the state system.

What actual personal experience do you have of bitchy private school girls? I was fortunate to have been awarded a 100% scholarship to a girls private school and I was completely different to many of the girls in so many ways as were some others. I personally found the school and girls to be the most welcoming and positive people. I still have close friendships with many 20 years later.
Think some people are really judgemental about things they don't have a personal experience with just hearsay that at times is purely made up because some do not like private schools.

Apply for an EHCNA. Your Dd's needs will be assessed and you can look at where the best and most suitable school for her would be.
DS is autistic, has an EHCP and attends an expensive independent specialist placement, paid for by our local authority. Who also provide taxi transport there and back too.

No direct experience here but my DH is the middle child of 3 boys, both of his brothers diagnosed autistic. Both of his brothers were then sent to various private schools and DH was bussed to a grammar in a different county instead as the local secondary was a joke. However his DM let him sit an entrance exam for his older brother’s private school (which he passed) and then made that decision.

He still even now resents this as part of a larger picture of being constantly forgotten and left out. Both brothers’ issues have dominated his mother’s life. He feels like an afterthought and he is one to be honest. Take care with treating siblings differently or investing different amounts of energy and time into them.

A private school near me which sells itself as inclusive rejected my application for DS with a speech delay and ADHD. We then found a state school which is a hidden gem in a not-so-well-off area, undersubscribed and truly inclusive, with a wonderful Head and a fantastic reception teacher and used the money to appeal an EHCP refusal to issue and to get him an experienced after school nanny for 1-1 attention and helping him with reading (English is our 2nd language so couldn’t help properly with phonics etc). Best choice ever.

Think carefully.

I have twins one at private and the other at a grammar through their own choice. Both were diagnosed with adhd - the grammar has been much better sen wise than the private which has been awful remembering they want the grades at a private for marketing purposes.

DD is 4, possibly autistic with some other bits added, and will be school age next September so I've been looking at schools this term and I've looked at a wiiiide range of schools and they are all SO different .

1 State School with high levels of SEN and in a deprived area, LOADS of TAs, high awareness of autism and learning disabilities, plenty of visible adjustments and adaptations.

2 State School just up the road from that one, 2 SEN TAs for the whole school (2 form), palmed off when I mentioned SEN to go speak to SENCO because they had no idea (I think they were part of the senior team). Not much noticeable adaptations.

3 Similar story at another local state school, one of the staff told me to look at a more child led school when I told them about DD.

4 Independent alternative school, the SEN type adaptations were available for anyone and everyone to use, neurodivergence was on their curriculum, very aware and open to kids needs

5 Free alternative school, this is the one I was told to look at as it’s more child led. Open evening was not great but there were clearly more ND kids here, would be a much less demanding environment that normal school. They mentioned that they can’t access LA funding for SEN provisions so they don’t have that much, not nothing but not much.

6 Montessori private school, I didn’t get them impression they were great with SEN and they said if she needed extra help we would have to fund it.

7 Small private school, expensive but not hugely prestigious. Lower school looked crap for a SEN kid tbh, didn’t see anything visible. Upper school seemed better, they had a room for kids to do stuff away from their class and I saw a fidget cushion and mentions of ND in their work. Small classes but I didn’t like the approach I saw teachers using, I know it wouldn’t suit my daughter, might work for some other kids ok and class management though

8 Big fancy pants private school, for some reason the early years was like the rest of the school. More desk stuff than free flow, seeing as a lot of ND kids really struggle after the early years bit ends this put me right off. Small classes though and nice facilities and resources.

School 4 would be my fee paying choice and 1 would be my state pick if I had and I to but were planning home education.