AIBU to send my DD only to private school because she has special needs?

[Cookiecrumblepie]

My daughter will be starting reception next year, and she's just been diagnosed with autism. At the moment she is fine at her small nursery but she doesn't like busy environments and lots of stimulation etc, so I'm thinking a private school with small class size would be perfect for her.

However I can't afford to send both my children to private school, and my other younger daughter I would have to send to a public school.

Will this create resentment in future? Has anyone grown up with a sibling with special needs (and required extra help). Were you resentful? Or did you grow up understanding why your parents treated each child differently?

You dont have the exact same child twice and you have to find the school that is best for each individual.

Even if you remain with them both in the state system, they could end up at different schools with very different levels of funding. (If in the uk)

I don't think a private school will be good for her. Yes the size of class is smaller, but because of that they expect more, behaviour wise. I was a nanny for a boy who found it difficult to sit still and every day the teacher would mention things. Someone then said to me that if he was in a bigger class all the little things the teacher was picking up on wouldn't even be noticed or mentioned.

My dd is autistic and went to state primary, but we’ve sent her to a very small, nurturing private school for secondary and so far she’s thriving. We wouldn’t have been able to afford private primary and secondary. I was lucky to inherit enough to cover about 4 years’ school fees so that’s what I’m using the money for, as well as saving like crazy to be ready in case my youngest also wants to go to a private school when he’s 11 in a couple of years. I feel like both my children should have equal opportunities (my youngest is NT and would cope fine at state secondary, and that’s probably what he’ll choose as he’ll want to go where his friends go, but I feel the option should be there for him and we’ll be looking around local private schools as well as state and giving him real input into the decision).
Could you try state primary and see how your daughter gets on, then save money for both of them for secondary? Everyone’s experience is different, but my daughter’s social struggles got more obvious towards the end of juniors (infants tend to be quite accepting of quirks, 10 year olds less so). Her teachers were really good with her, she was allowed to eat lunch in a classroom in the quiet, was allowed to take her work somewhere quiet if the class was doing something with lots of talking, and they were generally kind and understanding. For us it worked waiting, her specific needs were more obvious at 11 than 4.
Whatever you decide, definitely do lots of research - it’s certainly true that private schools vary enormously in their attitudes to SEN, and it could get difficult/expensive if your dd needs one to one support. State schools also vary in this way - definitely worth looking round lots

Most private schools have v small class sizes compared to state, but they are pushed very hard and from a young age too. The expectation of them is high. Lots of homework, working ahead of the normal curriculum.

If you do go down this path, be prepared for her to not be accepted. There’s many school around here (big city with any prestigious private schools, not London), who will not take kids who’ve already been assessed as having additional requirements. They’ll support kids who are diagnosed while already at school though. Relevant to us as she has some classmates with stuff diagnosed since starting at preschool age, but her school is primary only. So some high schools are v unlikely to take these classmates on for high school.

We have DD (only child) in private school and while we can quite easily afford it, we’re not the same “pedigree” as many of the families and while DD doesn’t feel it in school, I do at the school gate. And I would imagine if you have a second child who you can’t afford to send, you’d feel it far more than I do.

I'm the 3rd of 4 kids-2 boys, then 2 girls.

When we were kids, our LEA ran an Assisted Places Scheme where they sent bright kids to private schools. My older brothers won places under this scheme, but by the time me and my sister were due to start, they'd stopped it, but kept it for kids already in it. My parents couldn't afford the fees for me and my sister so we went to a comprehensive. It bothered my parents more than it bothered us! I didn't want to go to a private school and objected strongly to the idea and was somewhat relieved when it was no longer an option. They have done better than us but tbh I'm too lazy. My brothers went to redbrick unis when it wasn't that common for working class people to go to any university let alone Oxford or Durham where they went. I ended up training to be a nurse in my early 20s (before nursing was university based) and my sister went to university in early 20s as well. So we all ended up with degrees or professional qualifications and there is honestly no resentment.

if you were writing about your younger child having additional needs, and were asking about this decision at y7 transition time such that your elder child was already settled and thriving in a state secondary, then I would say yanbu.

In your situation I think its a terrible idea as you simply don't and can't know yet whether your younger child may also have additional needs.

I have an only-child who has a diagnosis of ASD. We were on the waiting list for ASD diagnosis from mid y5 to mid y7 - but it wasn't at all obvious that there were issues until around y3 in a standard lovely good-quality state primary. We chose a mainstream private school with small class sizes and this is the best choice for ys but if your younger daughter turns out to have additional needs and would greatly benefit from a private school but is just forced to muddle through in the state system because you are spending all your spare income on her big sister then that would be an awful thing to do to her.

your eldest is only at reception age. you have plenty of time to find a better path. get the ball rolling on a watertight EHCP that sets out her needs and make sure those needs are met. spend what cash you have on some additional help, ensuring you can do so for both kids if needed - play therapy can be really good for younger kids in learning how to live with their social communication challenges. some sensory aspects of ASD can be helped with specialist occupational therapy.

DS went to private secondary school and DD went to a local grammar. This was not a problem and we made up for it by paying for a Masters for DD.
The real issue is that private schools are not geared up to cope with special needs pupils. Just because they have small class sizes it doesn’t mean the staff will be more able to cope with your daughter or that she will be able to cope with the situation. I’m afraid I speak from direct experience on this.

The 3 private schools in my area won't accept children with additional needs, are you sure the school would even take the child.?

All schools are not equal. Forget state versus private just now, look at each school carefully to see how they manage their pupils with SEND. My DS went to an infant school which was excellent; they wrote a detailed IEP (plan to promote progress), provided interventions, had once termly meetings to consider his progress, found outside resources, liaised with autism specialists, had their SEN staff go on training days, arranged for individual pupil funding so he could have a 1:1 for the classroom and all the intervention. My DN went to another infant school nearby, they eventually made him an IEP , had a few meetings. And that was it. The difference was so stark because our headteacher cared, and my DN's did not.

Your best bet is to seek out recommendations from other parents whose children have autism, they will know the schools where the SEN children are managed out, the ones where the children will be shelved, the ones where the school will do the best they can to provide what your child needs to succeed.

To be honest I'm not sure that smaller classes on its own will have that much impact, having quiet areas that your child can retreat to if it gets too much to cope with is more valuable in the long run.

Also I want to point out that it's quite possible that your other child(ren) could also have autism, all too often they present very differently from each other and one child's issues are very noticeable but the other slips under the radar. This is particularly the case when one parent is also autistic and their child presents in a way that they are familiar with, so they don't twig that there's anything unusual.

My friend's child has autism and the private schools wouldn't take him. State schools have to provide provision for children with special needs but private schools can choose. In the end she got him into a special school but his needs are pretty complex.

My DD13 has ASD and ADHD.

She went to local primary school which I decided would be good for local friends because secondly privates tend to have a much wider catchment.

She did struggle at times with the large classes and noise. She masked a lot and definitely needed the decompression time after school.

But she has kept her local friends mainly.

She has been in a private all girls school for a couple of years but I selected it based on the fact they have classes of 12, great pastoral care, a good Senco and additional tuition if needed.

I would make the same decision again.

My neighbour went to the local secondary. Her sister went to the same private school my daughter goes to because of similar reasons. There is No resentment at all.

Make the decision based on what your child needs because...

Sometimes treating everyone the same is not the fairest thing to do.

Have a look at local schools before deciding. My DC go to a lovely primary school which has a special needs unit. The classes are small (around 15-20), and children with SEN sometimes go to the learning support unit for a couple of lessons per day, and the rest of the time are in mainstream. It's fab for everyone involved, there's great support for ASD, dyslexia, and those who just need a bit of extra support.

A couple of kids have transferred in from private schools where their needs were basically ignored - they have thrived in the regular school.

Because it's a small school a lot of people don't even know it exists; you may find a similar one near you if you ask around a bit.

I have a DD (9) with autism and I can honestly say she is thriving at her state primary school. We could afford to send her to private school but my own experience of private education was not positive. We cannot fault the way DD's school have supported her (and us!) and at no point has she been made to feel 'different' or that the reasonable adjustments she needs present a problem for the school. I think that for some children with SEN a small school can be beneficial, but for some it can also result in them feeling 'singled out' if they are the only kid in their class with obvious SEN.

I also work in a state secondary school that has an excellent reputation for supporting kids with Autism and other SEN. We do also get students with SEN moving to us from local independent schools, due to their needs not being met effectively, or due to pressure to conform socially and keep up with peers academically impacting on their Mental Health.

The first thing you need to do is find out if the private school(s) have space for Reception in September. The school I used to work at would have filled all places and have a waiting list by now. Where I work now, we've offered most of our places already.

i would be wary
i would try the public sector first

My DD has ASD and our primary was insanely busy with way more kids than the building was designed for. She thrived and at the end of primary I was so glad she was at a school with so many friendship options.

I know she'd have struggled to find her tribe in a small, middle class, more homogenous group of kids. I've seen this at some after school activities where private school children dominate, like Stagecoach. DD would have been the one who stood out, whereas at her school there are children with learning difficulties, physical disabilities, all kinds of things going on, so she fits in just fine.

As others have said, private schools don't tend to be great with autism unless the child is a good masker and fits in without issue. They also tend to provide very limited support or you need to pay for it which can easily become another child's worth of fees.

My autistic DD goes to a mainstream with full time 1-1. It is a 3 form entry and the idea of it sounds more chaotic than it is. They have excellent resources, space and legal obligations that aren't present in private.

Private can work well for some, but for many that isn't the case.

DH went to one of the most prestigious private schools in England, his sister was sent to state school. Her behaviour is often utterly obnoxious, and she is the most bitter person I have ever met but I do wonder if this unfairness was the root cause of her issues.

Wouldn't be surprised as doubt this dreadful behaviour from the parents would be the only example of blatant favouritism!

Most private schools will only give your child 1-1 support if you pay extra for it...on top of the fees. Please don't assume private is better.
I have worked as a TA in the private sector for 25 years,so this comes from lots of experience.

Agreed that it's impossible to say without knowing specifics. One of my nephews had to leave private school and wound up being home educated as the school couldn't cope with his ASD (and I gather from SIL that the local state provision wasn't much better).

There's quite a few private schools that just have no support for kids who don't fit in their 'box'. Kids who struggle in mainstream state schooling because of class size or other relatively simple adaptations and who don't need specialist provision can really struggle to find the right fit. Often they need a bit more than just fewer kids in the room, but not so much that it requires large adaptations to curriculum etc. What's really frustrating is that with all the cuts in the state sector, fewer TAs and so on, the state schools are less able to handle those needs.

You need to research both options thoroughly. Also bear in mind that SEND 1:1 provision in private schools is often charged as an extra.

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if this has already been said, but the private schools near me all are renowned for DREADFUL SEND departments and offer little to zero support to students who need it, even for things such as dyslexia let alone more complex needs.
Obviously every school and area is different but don't presume that as you're paying your daughter will be better off

Not read the whole thread however my DC who has ASD is currently mainstream for primary it’s awful, however for secondary DC is going to a private ASD school (live out) which DC loved when visiting. They have better understanding of DC needs with smaller classes, open outdoor access, all the equipment available to support DC with sensory issues and even cater to DC dietary needs as has ARFID. Do you have a private school like that around where you live? As maybe a better option.

I would keep your daughter in state primary and put both dds in private for secondary if that’s what they want.