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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very pissed off that my ex husband's girlfriend is pregnant?

120 replies

50srefusenik · 18/12/2022 20:06

My ex H was emotionally and physically abusive for years and I finally called time on it in 2017. Decree absolut in 2019. Ex H's numerous girlfriends came and went. Children are now 19 and 15. He is 54 and his latest girlfriend is 39 and pregnant. He had a MASSIVE heart attack at the end of October and is lucky is be alive. It's unclear how this will impact his long term health and professional prospects - he is a hospital consultant.

Why I am pissed off? Because I fear that my DS, 15, will be usurped and ignored when the baby arrives. DS has had a tricky relationship with his father, historically, but it is now much better. DD is 19, at uni and very independent. The girlfriend won't want my children around and I fear how this will affect them.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 18/12/2022 20:12

I’d assume she was already pregnant when he had the heart attack, or is this a very early pregnancy announcement?

I don’t think, as step children go, independent older teens are going to be particularly problematic for her alongside having a new baby. They won’t want an awful lot from her really, so if their dad wants to continue his currently positive relationship with his children, then he’ll be able to. If he doesn’t, he won’t.

What do your children think of the news of their new sibling? Have they reacted in a way that gives you cause for concern?

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 18/12/2022 20:13

Maybe she had told him she was pregnant....?

Stripedbag101 · 18/12/2022 20:15

All you can do is support your son.

lots of kids go through becoming an older sibling. If your ex husbands drops your son in favour of the baby then he is a shoot. All you can do is give your son support.

but you don’t know what will happen. Do you know your ex’s new partner want want your son and daughter around?

you might actually find it’s your children who decide a dad who to a screening baby isn’t as much fun and distance themselves.

don’t borrow problems.

also not sure why your ex’s health is relevant? Are you concerned about child support payments?

Stripedbag101 · 18/12/2022 20:15

A shit not a shoot!

MichelleScarn · 18/12/2022 20:16

Are you worried about his relationship with your kids or your ex's career?

Boomboom22 · 18/12/2022 20:17

Haha maybe she told him and that idea caused the heart attack!

Londonlassy · 18/12/2022 20:20

You have been separated for 5 years. It’s quite normal for people to find other partners and start new families. It’s his choice to have another child despite his health concerns -lots of unhealthy people have children and yes blended families are tricky for everyone involved but completely normal in the UK. Lots of teenagers have younger step-siblings he will learn to adjust its extremely common. I think your anger is unreasonable

Original poster
50srefusenik · 18/12/2022 20:20

She was just pregnant before the heart attack. His health is not a big issue for me at least. Child maintenance is not that crucial as I work hard and earn decent money. (Happily, we agreed a clean break otherwise he might try and come after me for money.)

DD is fairly calm about it but DS hasn't said much. Still waters run deep with him and he craves approval from his father, as many boys do.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 18/12/2022 20:21

Do you actually KNOW the girlfriend won’t want your children around or are you just assuming?

Ocrumbs · 18/12/2022 20:22

Or you could stay positive and see another sibling as a blessing

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2022 20:24

I think you have to move on from him - I know you’ve had a rough time, but all you can do is support your son, and crack on with your life, rather than obsessing about his life choices.

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2022 20:25

Boomboom22 · 18/12/2022 20:17

Haha maybe she told him and that idea caused the heart attack!

😁 PP!!

Zanatdy · 18/12/2022 20:25

Least your kids are older. They naturally want to spend less time with parents anyway at that age. I’m sure it will work out.

Original poster
50srefusenik · 18/12/2022 20:26

Londonlassy - I hear you and thanks for the robust feedback! DS had a very difficult start in life - premature with lot of problems - and I'm super protective of him. Ex-H once said 'DS is not the son I wanted' which didn't help our marriage very much. I fear him DS pushed out of his father's life rather than the financial implications, which I can cope with, even if I didn't come out of the divorce brilliantly from a financial perspective.

OP posts:
Stressedmum2017 · 18/12/2022 20:26

Blended families are kind of par for the course after divorce I'm afraid. At least they are in their teens, loads of much younger children go through the same thing. Do you know for a fact she doesn't want them involved?
You sound a bit bitter tbh.

NoelNoNoel · 18/12/2022 20:27

Channel your pissed off feelings by thinking of him stitching himself up. Who wants to be doing uni open days when they are 73 or paying uni fees on their mid 70’s?
You will have your freedom in a couple of years and he’ll be at soft play.
I know what I’d prefer.

Original poster
50srefusenik · 18/12/2022 20:27

I's assuming that the girlfriend won't want my DC around, and I admit I could be wrong about that.

OP posts:
NorthStarRising · 18/12/2022 20:28

How did your children cope with being in a family with a physically and emotionally abusive man? For over a decade?
Because even if it was just you that was the target, that’s still a hideous way to live for everyone involved. And now you’re worried.
Not about the girlfriend, or the new baby but that your teenage son will lose out on having his father as a role model? Be in competition with a newborn?
Does the girlfriend not want your children around, or just you?

MrsTag · 18/12/2022 20:28

It really isn't any of your business what your ex gets up to now. Too many ex wives who try to keep some sort of influence going.

WoosteriaLane · 18/12/2022 20:28

Strange that so many men just go on and make new families after fucking up the first ones.

OP this man has already wasted so much of your head space, don't let him waste more now that you're rid of him.

The less time your son spends with his dad is probably for the best if he's violent. Try and find some pitt for his new wife if you can she's either desperate for a family or just incredibly naïve to think it won't be the same for her.

Testina · 18/12/2022 20:29

Boomboom22 · 18/12/2022 20:17

Haha maybe she told him and that idea caused the heart attack!

🤣 you got in first!

@50srefusenik if he’s the kind of man that will lessen his time or attention to his son because of the new baby, then he’s worth phasing out anyway. He’s an arsehole anyway.

I’d leave it for now. As a PP said, don’t borrow trouble. You may find he sees more of your son as a pathetic excuse for not doing the harder parenting of a newborn 🤨

Hankunamatata · 18/12/2022 20:30

He actually said his dc wasn't the son he wanted 😱

WoosteriaLane · 18/12/2022 20:30

MrsTag · 18/12/2022 20:28

It really isn't any of your business what your ex gets up to now. Too many ex wives who try to keep some sort of influence going.

This isn't about being an ex wife. It's about being a mother.

Testina · 18/12/2022 20:31

50srefusenik · 18/12/2022 20:27

I's assuming that the girlfriend won't want my DC around, and I admit I could be wrong about that.

What was the impact to his contact when he first met her?

W0tnow · 18/12/2022 20:31

You’re not unreasonable. I can never understand why men choose to start new families when they screw up their first ones. But, as has been said, you can’t influence his behaviour. Be thankful you won’t be his carer.