To be very pissed off that my ex husband's girlfriend is pregnant?

[50srefusenik]

My ex H was emotionally and physically abusive for years and I finally called time on it in 2017. Decree absolut in 2019. Ex H's numerous girlfriends came and went. Children are now 19 and 15. He is 54 and his latest girlfriend is 39 and pregnant. He had a MASSIVE heart attack at the end of October and is lucky is be alive. It's unclear how this will impact his long term health and professional prospects - he is a hospital consultant.

Why I am pissed off? Because I fear that my DS, 15, will be usurped and ignored when the baby arrives. DS has had a tricky relationship with his father, historically, but it is now much better. DD is 19, at uni and very independent. The girlfriend won't want my children around and I fear how this will affect them.

I think it's time you put it all behind you and moved on.

It can be tempting to think she might be getting a better version of him OP.

That would make me jealous & bitter however we all know an abusive man is an abusive man - very unlikely to change & still abusive whether healthy or not.

Remember how freedom felt when you first got it - & appreciate you still have it.

I’d spend my time trying to bolster by DS and helping him stop craving his father’s approval rather than being angry.

It's not really any of your business you split up. Poor woman pregnant to a geriatric man. Just think in a few years you will be free while he's going to soft play and children's parties.

Parents didn't do Uni open days in my day. We made our own choices.

Bizarre thing to think about.

For my own part, I couldn't care less how many more relationships/GFs/children he has but I care about my own DC. My DS has been on the receiving end of enough selfish crap from his father who took the view that he was a father by appointment only. I don't want DS to be rejected and hurt. DD on the other hand was the child my ex wanted and was treated very differently.

Thanks. You're absolutely right and yes, the freedom is fantastic.

Spot on 😀

I don't think this is to do with your DS. Your ex husband has quite a chequered history and this sort of thing is par for the course.

I think you're simply pissed off that your abusive ex husband has a new family.
I think you are still carrying anger over your relationship.
Which is understandable but not necessarily good for you.

I think that it's not good to have any expectations of him given his history.

I think it would be better to look at why you're still angry and deal with it.

OP I also think you need to consider your views on women’s role in society.

As the mother of a young woman your view that women are somehow lesser if they don’t have children is very damaging.

of you are raising your done with this view you are also storing trouble for him is he shares this misogynistic outlook with any future colleagues.

I really do suggest to educate yourself on equality.

If your are raising your son with these views - that should have said

My ex is a twat but my children have a fabulous relationship with their half brother. I think you need to not jump to conclusions about how anyone will feel it act.

Don't envy him parenting in his 50s and 60s!

Absolutely this. No need to mention their ages either.

I mean, he sounds like a dick but I’m not sure why you seem more concerned about the girlfriend wanting to keep your kids away when you said he was abusive. Of course kids need their father but it sounds like he is the problem here in terms of affecting your children’s emotional well-being, not her.

I think you are catastrophising which I totally get but going down a rabbit hole of “what ifs” is not productive or helpful. Deal with that issue IF it comes up rather than assuming it will. Keep talking to your kids and supporting them, it might turn out fine but I do think you need to stop imagining harmful scenarios before they’ve actually occurred. Your kids will pick up on this and it will then affect them.

I’m struggling with this. You have much older children who are highly unlikely to be inconvenienced by a baby. You assume a woman you have never met has no interest in your children based on absolutely nothing whatsoever. You say your ex is less of a dick than he used to be and your kids have shown no actual unhappiness about a new sibling - granted you say your son hasn’t really said anything about it but he’s 15 and 15 year olds don’t really say much about anything

struggling to see any issue other than you are just pissed off he has moved on and you haven’t

Why I am pissed off? Because I fear that my DS, 15, will be usurped and ignored when the baby arrives

Well this doesn't sound great, really. You shouldn't view younger siblings as "usurping" older ones. It's a toxic way of thinking about things no matter how you look at it, fair enough to worry about them being ignored but the baby is not usurping it's siblings by existing, this mentality isn't healthy.

I think you just need to remember you can't control how this baby may affect DS's relationship with his father/his father's partner.

But you can control being there for your son - and I don't think it will help you to assume the worst, as others have said. You have worries, but there don't seem to be any signs that these are going to manifest.

I think it is a bit easier for your kids because they are older, there's probably less of a sense of being 'in competition' with a baby, they are old enough to understand babies take a lot of time and attention and to not take it personally if they are not #1 priority now. Encourage them to be excited about the new half sibling and try to avoid letting them pick up on your anxieties.

Many thanks LolaMoon for this very balanced and intelligent analysis.

Yes I agree with this comment. It's not a competition. No one is heir to a throne here.

It's nothing to do with you any more...

Why make assumptions? I married my husband and his older two were 12 and 14. The eldest was living with us full time within a year - I could hardly object. I had a baby shortly after and then another and then the younger boy moved in too. They were far apart enough in age that it wasn't a case of jealousy or anything.
So why not assume the best? And it's his new partner who should be far more worried about your exes health - she'll be the one with a new baby.

Yes, absolutely. She's 39, or might be older by now, never been married and never had children and we know that can alter a woman's brain chemistry. what has this got to so with anything.. unless it's linked to this I feel a bit sorry for her in some ways. in which case don't feel sorry for her marriage isn't a prize.

He's not the greatest prospect. fine feel sorry for her for this. But at one point he was good enough for you so you must have seen something in him. If you feel sorry for her as he is a dick then fine, hopefully she'll realise too.

Probably off topic, but my cousin is in his mid 50s. One child in his 20s with his ex. They all got on well, until he just had another baby with his son's aunt (i.e. ex SIL)...

I think if we were honest with ourselves its a normal feeling. If my DH divorced me then got another woman pregnant I wouldn't probably be happy more so for my own DD as she will have to share more resources. It's an illogical feeling though your ex has the right to move on as you do. It's best to try bury those feelings and work hard to show your DC everything is fine and they aren't second best.

Does ex live with girlfriend or planning to move in with her? If they already live together, then surely she’s already developing a relationship:with your dc.

Babies take more time up then a teen, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if ex does spend a greater proportion of his time with the baby.

How many fifteen year olds actively spend a lot of time with their parents?