To be very pissed off that my ex husband's girlfriend is pregnant?

[50srefusenik]

My ex H was emotionally and physically abusive for years and I finally called time on it in 2017. Decree absolut in 2019. Ex H's numerous girlfriends came and went. Children are now 19 and 15. He is 54 and his latest girlfriend is 39 and pregnant. He had a MASSIVE heart attack at the end of October and is lucky is be alive. It's unclear how this will impact his long term health and professional prospects - he is a hospital consultant.

Why I am pissed off? Because I fear that my DS, 15, will be usurped and ignored when the baby arrives. DS has had a tricky relationship with his father, historically, but it is now much better. DD is 19, at uni and very independent. The girlfriend won't want my children around and I fear how this will affect them.

If I was you I would be quietly smiling to myself tha he's saddled himself with a newborn baby in his 50s when many folk are winding down a little after the trials of raising a family. As the saying goes: "there's no fool like an old fool" 😉

What a horrible thing to say.

Just realistic. He's had a major heart attack which will undermine both his general health and his career from now on. He may have to retire early and still has to suppport his first 2 children.

Yes, absolutely. She's 39, or might be older by now, never been married and never had children and we know that can alter a woman's brain chemistry. I feel a bit sorry for her in some ways. He's not the greatest prospect.

you lost me at this, what a horrible thing to write.

it does make me wonder if jealousy is at the root of this. That and you didn’t write you were concerned, you wrote you were pissed off.

Any sympathy I had for is gone with this nasty comment.

why do women do this to other women? Do you honestly believe this about childless women? Would you say this about your daughter if she hasn’t had children in her lte thirties?

awful.

Not having children alters your brain chemistry if you are a woman? Huh?

@50srefusenik i work in a hospital and can imagine dating/being married to a consultant would be a nightmare. Many are so self important and think every woman fancies them! Most can barely make their own cup of tea - seriously worrying. Female consultants on the other hand seem like super heroes. I may be being unfair but this is my experience.

‘She's 39, or might be older by now, never been married and never had children and we know that can alter a woman's brain chemistry. I feel a bit sorry for her in some ways. He's not the greatest prospect.’
Disgraceful comment. You seem to put a lot of sway in getting married and having children but your own marriage according to you was a disaster that left your children needing therapy. Also if your husband is 54, assuming you are similar age, were you around 39 with no older children? Is that what changed your brain chemistry and made you stay with an abusive man for over ten years? Absolutely staggering.

You sound bitter and jealous. You’re clearly not over him and IMo you should seek some therapy.

You sound bitter and jealous and nasty towards other women.

Would appear you've never actually met his new partner and as for him potentially having to retire and still support your DC, legally he doesn't HAVE to provide anything to your eldest, and only for a few more years for your youngest.

Then there's the point about why you're even pushing a relationship between your grown ups DC and their Father who was "emotionally and physically abusive".

Also OP your husband only has to support one of your children now, the other is an adult at university. And yes the new baby will reduce his disposal income for the purpose of a CMS calculation.
Have you got a new partner? You sound so bitter.

This reminds me of the nasty comments made about Teresa may when she ran for prime minister. Can’t think it was Andrea ledsom who tried to attack her and say she couldn’t understand issues because she hadn’t had children.

no one would ever attack a man for this. It’s such a nasty, misogynistic comment. Society will never move on with small minded people like OP in it. It makes me really cross

The silly girl will find out in time what a shit he is.
Don’t focus on her, just be there for your son and support him.

She's 39, or might be older by now, never been married and never had children and we know that can alter a woman's brain chemistry.

Eh? What on earth do you mean?

How do you know she is a ‘silly girl’. This is a woman close to forty who is pregnant. That is all we know about her.

We do know some things about OP / and the glimpse she has provided of her character isn’t great

Then there's the point about why you're even pushing a relationship between your grown ups DC and their Father who was "emotionally and physically abusive". that’s assuming he actually was abusive. let’s look at how many men spin the “crazy ex” line, “he was abusive” is the line most likely to garner sympathy around here, but the OP’s bitterness and jealousy towards the new partner doesn’t add up to someone who was glad t get out of an abusive relationship.

Bitter and twisted. Hospital doctors aren’t “on call”, they’re on call. I guess the six figure salary was OK though @50srefusenik.

He was abusive alright as the police bodycam footage showed when they arrested him after the final time he assaulted me in a drunken rage and spent the night in the local nic. He didn't assault the DC, only me. The cops were very sympathetic.

I can see why people think that was an unacceptable comment but I saw many friends looking to settle when faced with the prospect of childlessness in their late 30s.

Way to miss the point - I was obviously referring to your comment about her brain chemistry as a childless woman in her 30s, which was needlessly unkind and potentially upsetting. Other people have said it better than me so I'd suggest you read through their comments and take some time to reflect on how you think and speak about other women.

Anyway, on your actual issue - you do sound bitter, although perhaps understandably so. I am sorry that you have had such a difficult time. But to be honest there's nothing you can do about the new pregnancy other than be there for your children and support them to work through however they are feeling about it. But speculating about how this might negatively impact them in advance isn't helpful (particularly as it sounds like your XH is unpredictable anyway and there are a number of factors which impact his parenting). Younger siblings can be an absolute joy and gift - it's equally likely that this might be a good thing for them and improve their family dynamic.

How nice of you to take a woman’s pregnancy and make it into your own drama.

You don’t sound like you’ve moved on, and are concerned about how this will affect your adult and near-adult DC financially, particularly after his heart attack.

You need to separate yourself from this and move on. If it affects contact then you have a right to be concerned, but there are a lot of ‘what ifs’ in your comments.

He lied about being on call, when he wasn't, which he subsequently admitted. He just didn't want to do the hard work of looking after small children.

So it is about money? You're open with being nasty about her saying The girlfriend won't want my children around and I fear how this will affect them.then change that to I's assuming that the girlfriend won't want my DC around, and I admit I could be wrong about that.
I lost any sympathy for you with your derogatory tone she's 39 and never married or had children and we all know that affects a woman's brain chemistry..... really? NOT getting married affects brain chemistry? And of course at 39 she should have been drummed out of town the old maid for not having a man to wed!!

So you don’t love him anymore - your daughter is an adult and your son is nearly an adult. Your ex has a good job as do you so I assume you can support both your children through university.

you are pissed off that he has moved on and is having a new baby so you are hurling sexist nonsense about to make yourself feel better!! You sound like a suburban housewife for the 1950s 😂😂😂

it sounds like your and the ex were quite the pair!

I also left my abusive husband and can't begin to imagine why your ex husband's doings are of any remote interest to you, @50srefusenik. I have facilitated the relationship between my children and their father when they were younger (as they were too young to decide for themselves), but you don't need to do this with a 15 yr old. You certainly shouldn't badmouth him or hinder a relationship, but it is up to your son and his dad whether they have a decent relationship now.

If my ex husband had a pregnant girlfriend now, I'd think "good luck", and "thank fuck I'm not pregnant". We had a clean break, so his finances are not my business any more than my finances are his business. Surely that's part of what divorce actually means?