To be very pissed off that my ex husband's girlfriend is pregnant?

[50srefusenik]

My ex H was emotionally and physically abusive for years and I finally called time on it in 2017. Decree absolut in 2019. Ex H's numerous girlfriends came and went. Children are now 19 and 15. He is 54 and his latest girlfriend is 39 and pregnant. He had a MASSIVE heart attack at the end of October and is lucky is be alive. It's unclear how this will impact his long term health and professional prospects - he is a hospital consultant.

Why I am pissed off? Because I fear that my DS, 15, will be usurped and ignored when the baby arrives. DS has had a tricky relationship with his father, historically, but it is now much better. DD is 19, at uni and very independent. The girlfriend won't want my children around and I fear how this will affect them.

Good point! I do sound a bit bitter. I'm not really as it was my choice to get out of the marriage.

It's nothing to do with you and you sound like you are jealous of their happiness to be honest. Please don't be that controlling ex who makes assumptions about his new partner. Perhaps she will love having your children there.

She could be a really powerful ally

It’s time you moved on!

Great point! I can't think of anything I would want less that starting again with babies, toddlers adn pre-school. Grim!

You've already decided you're furious that this child is being born. Your son will pick up on that and you're potentially causing a rift that might not have been there otherwise.

She might be really sweet - I don't know but I do know what my ex H will have told her about me and I don't think much of it will be complimentary.

Abuse makes people bitter. Don't use it to berate a victim.

Shes not stupid though. She will know what he's like

Thank you I had never seen it like that

It's amazing to me that a woman can say she was abused and then left a man and some women will still be desperate to call her bitter and jealous.

Are these the gullible women who go on to have second or third families for these assholes?

Vent away. Just take pleasure in knowing he is soon to be knee deep in nappies and crying babies.

I'm part of a blended family. As the older sibling. I never lived with the younger ones but the extended family has enhanced my life in different ways.

My children now are also in the same position. And I hope it also enhances their life like mine. It makes not one bit of difference to me. As my children get older they are doing more of their own thing. And he rarely pays child support.

So just smile and know you are no longer having to tolerate any of his nonsense and keep living your best life.

Note the really and yes there are wives who didn't want a man but don't want him to have another life.

YANBU to feel that way, I have been there, so understand how you feel, but I think YABU to stress about it as what happens will all depend on whether your XH is a decent man or not so it is all completely out of your control and there is no point in stressing about it.

To be fair, contact has been consistent with DS although GF there all the time.

Hmmmm....

And remember a man in his mid fifties is clearly quite fragile health with a new born baby sounds like hell.

he is clearly a crap husband and father - imagine what this poor woman’s life will be like with a primary school age child and a man in his sixties with poor health. She might want step siblings in their twenties who have lots of energy to be on the child life. I know I would! They will be more like fun aunts and uncles. Rather than being pushed out - I would be worried they will be relied on for babysitting and dye out to give the parents a break.

The children struggled and DD had to have therapy - she was terrified at his drunken rages. DS withdrew for a quite a while but ex has made a effort to improve his performance as a father and doesn't drink as much, I think. My view is that a flawed Dad is better than no Dad at all. Generally it's been quieter and we have managed to be cordial. His near death experience has even made him a bit less of a grumpy s**t!

I’d just be thinking thank fuck it’s not me - love my dc but women go back to baby days now I’m 40. Good luck to them. It’ll change the dynamics but does mean ex won’t be swanning off on holidays ignoring dc. He might make time for ds to get some respite from the new baby.

Yes, this!

Yes, absolutely. She's 39, or might be older by now, never been married and never had children and we know that can alter a woman's brain chemistry. I feel a bit sorry for her in some ways. He's not the greatest prospect.

Men don't tend to be affected much by new babies. I assume doubly so with a hospital consultant type person.

Your ex DH antics are no longer your concern and not worth your energy. All you can do is keep being a supportive parent to your kids and help them through whatever situations come their way. Ex DH sounds like a dick but it’s not the girlfriend or baby’s fault.

Thanks Unicorns. A very uplifting, intelligent and profound series of point!

Spot on NeedAHoliday2021! Ex H was not interesting in doing the hard baby/toddler/pre school graft when they were small. He was always 'on call' or 'working late' when what he meant was 'I can't be arsed' as it's too difficult and 'I am a very important hospital doctor.'