What to do? I think I just wanted to vent really and gather opinions, thoughts, advice.
My parents are 88 and 93 - mother has advanced dementia, doubly incontinent, can no longer converse, can no longer walk. Father - memory now pretty bad but physically okay, has phases in denial that mother is as ill as she is.
I have 5 siblings. We all live over 100k away from our parents and in different directions to each other. Only 2 of my siblings drive. Our parents live in countryside, 7k from a railway station with a very scant bus service from the rail station to their village.
During covid my husband and I, completely by chance, ended up living, temporarily, just 30k away from them so we popped in to them once or twice a week and, as their care needs grew, we got more involved in helping them over the next 2 years.
During this time, even after lock down was lifted, my siblings rarely visited them and when they did it was just for lunch and a chat - nothing practical like laundry, cleaning, bill paying - they left that all to me and my husband. However they demanded to know everything that was going on with them so I updated them on everything we did or planned to do.
In March 2022 my husband and I had to return return home, 100k away from my parents, therefore my husband and I arranged a daily carer to help my parents for an hour a day (they refused more than that - accepting care is and was a huge struggle so it was extremely difficult to put in place).
More recently, with mother's condition ever declining and now needing two people to lift, wash and change her we increased care to two carers for 3x1 hour visits a day. Imo my father also now needs help with houshold things as he can no longer drive to the shops for food etc and often forgets to make meals for them both, yet will not allow the carers to prepare meals for them. My husband and I organised delivery of microwaveble meal and deal with their finances. I asked the carers to contact any of us if/when necessary. Me and my siblings have equal health and financial POA but I am the only one who has bothered to use them.
Due to a disability I can no longer drive and am off work long term sick so rely on my husband to drive us when we visit my parents. I have been by train a dew times but it's a difficult journey because of my disability, lack of buses and my finances won't stretch to taxi fares.
Fast forward, since moving away from my parents my siblings have started a visiting rota but still look to me as lead. If something doing is needed by the carer it is either me doing it or it is met with a silence - I've tried to stand down hoping they will take initiative but it doesnt happen and my parents are thr ones who suffer. My siblings pretend to miss the carers' calls, pretend they have no internet, pretend they're suddenly working full time plus late into the night and/or are "too busy", too tired, too everything.
Recently the carers have taken some days off on which some of us took turns to cover them. The care is mainly getting my mother up from bed, her incontinence pants changed and clean up where she's spread faeces around. It's unpleasant having to deal with changing and cleaning mother and age hates it too. Despite her dementia she is aware and doesn't like her children doing it and besides she's physically stronger than me puts up a terrific fight and my husband and I are afraid of hurting her in the process.
The Carers are taking 5 days over Christmas off. Nobody volunteered to cover for them, all kinds of excuses, so eventually my husband (who is an angel) and I said we would cover Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day. Another sibling stepped up for the other 2 days.
However, yesterday, my husband's elderly mother has been rushed into hospital and is in intensive care, reason unknown. My husband's parents live 200k away in the opposite direction to my parents.
Obviously my husband needs to be available for his mother now and, because the rail network is on strike over Christmas, there are no trains running so I find myself unable to get to my parents and can no longer cover for the carers.
I told my siblings that my husbands mother was urgently rushed into hospital in a critical state, cause unknown, and that as there were no trains over Christmas I could no longer cover care of our parents over Christmas.
So far - days later - not one of my siblings has offered to step in to help our parents. One has said she'll phone the carer, so I expect she plans to ask the carers to cancel their holiday!
I am angry and resentful that not one of them has stepped forward to help their parents, parents that have helped them enormously over the years.
What really rankles is that I've found out from doing my parents finances that every single one of them has had huge financial handouts (one was even bought a house, another a new car etc!) from my parents over their lives but, when I asked for help to pay a dental fee, my parents declined. Yes, I am bitter, yes it is an ugly feeling, and yes I feel resentful that my husband has done more for my parents than my siblings have.
I am waiting to see what they come up with to help our parents now that I'm unavailable. Minute by minute it seems increasingly likely that they're happy to let our mother fester in her bed of urine and faeces while they enjoy their Christmases.
What would you do? Respite care in a home is not an option and I've been unable to find respite carers - so it is down to me and my siblings.