Aibu to expect my siblings to help care for our elderly parents

[Windleberry]

What to do? I think I just wanted to vent really and gather opinions, thoughts, advice.

My parents are 88 and 93 - mother has advanced dementia, doubly incontinent, can no longer converse, can no longer walk. Father - memory now pretty bad but physically okay, has phases in denial that mother is as ill as she is.

I have 5 siblings. We all live over 100k away from our parents and in different directions to each other. Only 2 of my siblings drive. Our parents live in countryside, 7k from a railway station with a very scant bus service from the rail station to their village.

During covid my husband and I, completely by chance, ended up living, temporarily, just 30k away from them so we popped in to them once or twice a week and, as their care needs grew, we got more involved in helping them over the next 2 years.

During this time, even after lock down was lifted, my siblings rarely visited them and when they did it was just for lunch and a chat - nothing practical like laundry, cleaning, bill paying - they left that all to me and my husband. However they demanded to know everything that was going on with them so I updated them on everything we did or planned to do.

In March 2022 my husband and I had to return return home, 100k away from my parents, therefore my husband and I arranged a daily carer to help my parents for an hour a day (they refused more than that - accepting care is and was a huge struggle so it was extremely difficult to put in place).

More recently, with mother's condition ever declining and now needing two people to lift, wash and change her we increased care to two carers for 3x1 hour visits a day. Imo my father also now needs help with houshold things as he can no longer drive to the shops for food etc and often forgets to make meals for them both, yet will not allow the carers to prepare meals for them. My husband and I organised delivery of microwaveble meal and deal with their finances. I asked the carers to contact any of us if/when necessary. Me and my siblings have equal health and financial POA but I am the only one who has bothered to use them.

Due to a disability I can no longer drive and am off work long term sick so rely on my husband to drive us when we visit my parents. I have been by train a dew times but it's a difficult journey because of my disability, lack of buses and my finances won't stretch to taxi fares.

Fast forward, since moving away from my parents my siblings have started a visiting rota but still look to me as lead. If something doing is needed by the carer it is either me doing it or it is met with a silence - I've tried to stand down hoping they will take initiative but it doesnt happen and my parents are thr ones who suffer. My siblings pretend to miss the carers' calls, pretend they have no internet, pretend they're suddenly working full time plus late into the night and/or are "too busy", too tired, too everything.

Recently the carers have taken some days off on which some of us took turns to cover them. The care is mainly getting my mother up from bed, her incontinence pants changed and clean up where she's spread faeces around. It's unpleasant having to deal with changing and cleaning mother and age hates it too. Despite her dementia she is aware and doesn't like her children doing it and besides she's physically stronger than me puts up a terrific fight and my husband and I are afraid of hurting her in the process.

The Carers are taking 5 days over Christmas off. Nobody volunteered to cover for them, all kinds of excuses, so eventually my husband (who is an angel) and I said we would cover Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day. Another sibling stepped up for the other 2 days.

However, yesterday, my husband's elderly mother has been rushed into hospital and is in intensive care, reason unknown. My husband's parents live 200k away in the opposite direction to my parents.

Obviously my husband needs to be available for his mother now and, because the rail network is on strike over Christmas, there are no trains running so I find myself unable to get to my parents and can no longer cover for the carers.

I told my siblings that my husbands mother was urgently rushed into hospital in a critical state, cause unknown, and that as there were no trains over Christmas I could no longer cover care of our parents over Christmas.

So far - days later - not one of my siblings has offered to step in to help our parents. One has said she'll phone the carer, so I expect she plans to ask the carers to cancel their holiday!

I am angry and resentful that not one of them has stepped forward to help their parents, parents that have helped them enormously over the years.

What really rankles is that I've found out from doing my parents finances that every single one of them has had huge financial handouts (one was even bought a house, another a new car etc!) from my parents over their lives but, when I asked for help to pay a dental fee, my parents declined. Yes, I am bitter, yes it is an ugly feeling, and yes I feel resentful that my husband has done more for my parents than my siblings have.

I am waiting to see what they come up with to help our parents now that I'm unavailable. Minute by minute it seems increasingly likely that they're happy to let our mother fester in her bed of urine and faeces while they enjoy their Christmases.

What would you do? Respite care in a home is not an option and I've been unable to find respite carers - so it is down to me and my siblings.

And of course your siblings want your parents to stay in their own home. More for them to inherit.

I think this may be your only option. It's unsafe for them to be at home without any carers.

@Windleberry well who cares what your siblings think about them staying in their home if they won’t do anything

i think you need to accept that they’ll probably be awful when you start to put up boundaries- but id say it’s been a long time coming.

Send a VERY clear message saying that you are literally unable to get there over Xmas and to arrange anything.

call social services and tell them it is a crisis situation

also send a very clear message saying you cannot provide further care and residential care is the only option.

and repeat.

I think I would call the council, explain the situation and say that they need to find some carers as there is no other option.

You can want your siblings to step up but you can't force them to.

Call your parents' doctor who will refer them to social services to arrange much more care in their home. I am assuming you are in the UK, op, it is probably different in other countries.

I'm sorry you have this burden which you appear to be shouldering virtually single-handedly and I do hope your mother in law recovers before long.

I am old and it makes me think.

In my experience there's always one sibling who carries the bulk of the responsibility. I'm sorry its you, it's shit.

Your parents sound very like my late in-laws. They lived at home with a live in carer and that worked out really well for us. But mil also needed another carer to come in and out to take her to the toilet, she was also immobile so needed 2 carers to hoist her from bed to toilet to bed etc.

She had a catheter for a long time and that worked fine but once she started to lose control of her bowels too that was when she had to move. She couldn't sit all that time if she soiled herself waiting for the second carer to come. She'd have been so sore.

I think you're doing the right thing in getting them on the list for a care home. I hope something suitable comes up soon

Given what you have written you might need to consider stepping back completely.

My friend had to do this too with a mum with dementia, 6 weeks after she stepped back and her sibling took over she moved her mum into residential care still complaining incessantly about my friend not continuing with the burden of care alone. This stuff is complicated and there is no easy answer.

This. Sometimes there really isn’t any other option and your parents aren’t in a position to refuse given that they can’t even remotely look after themselves.

I'm in a similar position only I'm supporting DD and DDiL who are primary carers for my MiL. She's at a similar stage of dementia, stage 6-7 and she has 24 he care 7 days a week. If she didn't have this care she'd be better off in a home. The only dilemma I can see is whether they can go into the same home as your mum needs a dementia care home but your dad residential.

if you go to Alzheimer's charity page they have a really good forum with experienced carers who can offer you advice. Best of luck

As a general rule I don't think children have an obligation to take care of parents. However, 1) they're being awful not to step in in an emergency and 2) they need to put their proverbial money where their mouths are. if they want your parents to age at home they need to be the ones making it feasible. They're BU to expect you to carry out their wishes.

in any case, I don't think ageing in place is workable anymore--I agree that a care home is necessary whether your siblings approve or not.

There must be care homes with vacancies if this becomes social services’ issue to solve. Your siblings can’t choose both not to step up and not to put them in a home, so you’ll just have to be the bad guy here.

I had a similar situation when DM wanted to die at her home but that would have been absolute hell and unworkable so we insisted on a hospice. She even agreed that was the right decision in the end.

Thank you everyone. You've all been extremely helpful and said exactly what I have been thinking. I will make that call to Social Services tomorrow morning. I really have had enough. For someone from a large family I was feeling very alone but thanks to all of you who replied to me I no longer feel this way. Thank you and merry Christmas.

They need to be in care homes, your mum needs 24/7 supervision. Your dad might be able to be in a retirement complex but if he forgets to cook/can no longer cook, maybe not. Your siblings aren’t obliged to care for them, I have told my mum I’ll get her carers in, but I couldn’t cope with cleaning up faeces and I need to work to live. However, if they aren’t doing the caring, they can’t really have a say in where they live. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this: you’re doing the right thing putting them on a list.

You're just going to have to leave your siblings to it.
Your DH won't be able to drive you there - he obviously feels the need to prioritise his own DM right now.
I'd message your siblings and tell them to sort it out or contact Social Services - they're adults, leave them to it.

@Windleberry if you phone adult social care, it'll be down to them to find respite care, not you.

Seriously, call them first thing tomorrow, explain the situation with your MIL and your inability to get up to your parents, and make it clear that they're at risk without the carers.

If you can avoid mentioning that you have siblings, all the better.

I'd message your siblings and tell them to sort it out or contact Social Services - they're adults, leave them to it.

Or that. Furnish them with the contact number for ASC in your parents area, and let them know it's down to them.

With the information you have given they need to be in a home, not their own. It sounds like your dm needs 1-2-1 care and your df is not far behind.
My own dm needed lots of help and my sibling couldn’t cope even though he lived there. It’s unfair to expect you dc to look after you and bust a gut. I remember my dm having a fall. My sibling couldn’t lift her, so I drove over to help. I did peel her off the floor with siblings help but then did my own back in in the process as well as triggering an old injury in the process. At this point I realised she needed more care and had carers come in. My sibling hated the carers coming, but she was being left alone on certain days.
Your siblings shouldn’t be expecting them to stay in the house if they can’t be arsed to help.
I have given my own dc strict instructions to not care for me when I’m older. They need to get on with their lives.

Yabu in a way. If my db "expected" me to care for my elderly mother I would be annoyed and I would never expect the same of him either. This is why she has now moved to a care home and we will have to sell her house to pay for the fees and therefore inherit less/nothing. But you can't "expect" anyone to care for anyone. People have a choice not to.

Care home all the way.
It's where I expect to end up. Unless you're allowed to sign up to be euthanized by then. Ds will have no qualms. He's very much my son.

This.

if your siblings are 100km away, and have their own lives, jobs, partners, children, then they have other commitments.

Given your parents health problems, they need to consider proper residential care. It seems that money is not too tight so a suitable joint placement could be found.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, OP. It's really hard, but they clearly need 24/7 care now.

I feel for you. Both my parents had dementia, but they died of non-related things before they got to the point that they needed to go into residential care, so I was spared having to deal with that.

I had no support from my sibling either.

I have told both my children in no uncertain terms that I do NOT want either of them looking after me if I end up like the OPs mother. They do not owe me any debts of gratitude just because I gave birth to them.

Nobody is under any obligation - neither you nor your siblings.
Permanent residential care is clearly the answer.

Totally agree

As with many PPs above, I agree, Residential Care is the best way - in fact the only way really - for 2 very elderly people with complex care needs in a rural location no 'care package' will cover all that.

I really understand the 'rankled' feeling, been a bit there myself in the past with a similar situation; just get the ball rolling as PPs have suggested, then leave the rest to your siblings and your parents to decide how to proceed from there (tomorrow).

It'll probably all go to shit and your name will be mud, but in the main, seems that's how it is anyway so get out now and leave them to it, for now.