Aibu to expect my siblings to help care for our elderly parents

[Windleberry]

What to do? I think I just wanted to vent really and gather opinions, thoughts, advice.

My parents are 88 and 93 - mother has advanced dementia, doubly incontinent, can no longer converse, can no longer walk. Father - memory now pretty bad but physically okay, has phases in denial that mother is as ill as she is.

I have 5 siblings. We all live over 100k away from our parents and in different directions to each other. Only 2 of my siblings drive. Our parents live in countryside, 7k from a railway station with a very scant bus service from the rail station to their village.

During covid my husband and I, completely by chance, ended up living, temporarily, just 30k away from them so we popped in to them once or twice a week and, as their care needs grew, we got more involved in helping them over the next 2 years.

During this time, even after lock down was lifted, my siblings rarely visited them and when they did it was just for lunch and a chat - nothing practical like laundry, cleaning, bill paying - they left that all to me and my husband. However they demanded to know everything that was going on with them so I updated them on everything we did or planned to do.

In March 2022 my husband and I had to return return home, 100k away from my parents, therefore my husband and I arranged a daily carer to help my parents for an hour a day (they refused more than that - accepting care is and was a huge struggle so it was extremely difficult to put in place).

More recently, with mother's condition ever declining and now needing two people to lift, wash and change her we increased care to two carers for 3x1 hour visits a day. Imo my father also now needs help with houshold things as he can no longer drive to the shops for food etc and often forgets to make meals for them both, yet will not allow the carers to prepare meals for them. My husband and I organised delivery of microwaveble meal and deal with their finances. I asked the carers to contact any of us if/when necessary. Me and my siblings have equal health and financial POA but I am the only one who has bothered to use them.

Due to a disability I can no longer drive and am off work long term sick so rely on my husband to drive us when we visit my parents. I have been by train a dew times but it's a difficult journey because of my disability, lack of buses and my finances won't stretch to taxi fares.

Fast forward, since moving away from my parents my siblings have started a visiting rota but still look to me as lead. If something doing is needed by the carer it is either me doing it or it is met with a silence - I've tried to stand down hoping they will take initiative but it doesnt happen and my parents are thr ones who suffer. My siblings pretend to miss the carers' calls, pretend they have no internet, pretend they're suddenly working full time plus late into the night and/or are "too busy", too tired, too everything.

Recently the carers have taken some days off on which some of us took turns to cover them. The care is mainly getting my mother up from bed, her incontinence pants changed and clean up where she's spread faeces around. It's unpleasant having to deal with changing and cleaning mother and age hates it too. Despite her dementia she is aware and doesn't like her children doing it and besides she's physically stronger than me puts up a terrific fight and my husband and I are afraid of hurting her in the process.

The Carers are taking 5 days over Christmas off. Nobody volunteered to cover for them, all kinds of excuses, so eventually my husband (who is an angel) and I said we would cover Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day. Another sibling stepped up for the other 2 days.

However, yesterday, my husband's elderly mother has been rushed into hospital and is in intensive care, reason unknown. My husband's parents live 200k away in the opposite direction to my parents.

Obviously my husband needs to be available for his mother now and, because the rail network is on strike over Christmas, there are no trains running so I find myself unable to get to my parents and can no longer cover for the carers.

I told my siblings that my husbands mother was urgently rushed into hospital in a critical state, cause unknown, and that as there were no trains over Christmas I could no longer cover care of our parents over Christmas.

So far - days later - not one of my siblings has offered to step in to help our parents. One has said she'll phone the carer, so I expect she plans to ask the carers to cancel their holiday!

I am angry and resentful that not one of them has stepped forward to help their parents, parents that have helped them enormously over the years.

What really rankles is that I've found out from doing my parents finances that every single one of them has had huge financial handouts (one was even bought a house, another a new car etc!) from my parents over their lives but, when I asked for help to pay a dental fee, my parents declined. Yes, I am bitter, yes it is an ugly feeling, and yes I feel resentful that my husband has done more for my parents than my siblings have.

I am waiting to see what they come up with to help our parents now that I'm unavailable. Minute by minute it seems increasingly likely that they're happy to let our mother fester in her bed of urine and faeces while they enjoy their Christmases.

What would you do? Respite care in a home is not an option and I've been unable to find respite carers - so it is down to me and my siblings.

I agree, you are not obliged to help them. I have parents that were very abusive and are now in need of help, they can use there home assets to help themselves, not all parents are worthy of help in old age, its sad but very true.

It all sounds so badly managed. Your parents should've organised what they wanted to happen decades earlier
I have worked with hundreds of families in this situation and am going through it with my parent at the moment and I have never ever met anyone who makes these plans decades before they need them. In just about every case the DC get to a crisis point looking after their parents and either they crack and/or it becomes unsafe for the elderly parents to remain at home.
I would love to know what happens to our thought process as we age. As middle aged adults we all say we’d never put our DC through this yet by the time people are elderly this is exactly what happens. I’m not just talking about people with dementia either.

They need a care home. I would not be happy with my sibling trying to force me to physically look after and lift and wash old people who need a care home. Unless your siblings are insisting their parents cannot go a care home. That would be different as they would have to help to make that possible. But basically I think your parents sound too ill to live at home. I would not be looking after them as I would not be physically or mentally capable or have the time or resources just because you or they were insisting they stay in an unintenable and detrimental situation.

Another one who thinks your parents need to be in a care home. They might prefer to be in their own home, but honestly, they are living a pretty joyless existence. As for your unhelpful siblings - there are no words! My own DM moved into care after she broke her hip, and she was in a much better state than your DM sounds to be, and she thrived there, and it was such a relief to me. You need to take back your role as your parents' daughter, not their carer. Good luck!

They need residential or live in care. If there is no way for you to get there (or if you can't manage the care alone) and your siblings won't go then they need emergency care arranged by social services if necessary.

Unfortunately because this hasn't been arranged in advance, before it is a crisis, they and you (including your siblings) have lost the opportunity to choose the setting and will have to take what is available.

This is a learning for me - to plan ahead and not wait for things to get to crisis point.

I am sorry, OP, you have done your best. It should not be down to just you to step up. Stepping up now means admitting that it is not manageable and getting that emergency care.

What a difficult situation

Phone social services and get an urgent assessment for them both and get them into respite care until a proper plan is put in place - the current arrangements don't seem to be meeting their needs now.

Have your parents had a social care assessment? Help Is available. It sound like you've reached crisis point. And a home is not such a bad idea. It is going to get to a point where you can't do any more.

No, your 'siblings' don't want the house sold or any monies being used for care homes.

Time to ring SS. Tell them if they won't step up, it's time for a care home. You can't go on like this OP.

Sounds like your parents need professional carers.

No, your 'siblings' don't want the house sold or any monies being used for care homes.

You don't know that, and as one of the siblings wants them to have live in carers, they clearly recgnise that a lot of money will need spending to achieve that and are willing to have that disappear from their inheritance.

I think live in carers is the way forward but first of all the op's parents have to be properly assessed.

That's what I am going to have if I need it, I really hope I don't but you never know.

Yes agree with everyone this situation is completely unsustainable and unfortunately your parents need residential care and I speak from experience... This has gone far beyond what families can provide with the support of carers. Hope social workers will be able to help although at this time of year it may be difficult to sort before Xmas.

So your parents have provided substantial financial help to your siblings that was denied to you but you are expected to be the person shouldering the care?

Just tell them all no. Just say you’ve not had the help they have had, maybe it’s time for them to pay their dues. Sorry if it sounds bitter but you see it so many times on mumsnet. One child picked to be the skivvy.

Of course your siblings don't want them to go into a care home while you are doing all the heavy work. They have their eyes on the prize. We had a family member who was creaming money off monthly and left her own mother sitting in her own mess. @Windleberry Your poor Dad ! At least your Mum needs to move into a care home. I'm sorry but I don't know what to suggest for the immediate. We had to do an emergency dash one Christmas as well.

Call adults social services, they can arrange urgent respite care on safety grounds, don't accept no for an answer, 6 weeks breathing room is allowed whilst you sort out a long term solution and there is funding for that

OP, I really feel for you. It’s incredibly emotionally hard to “make” your parents go into a care home - “dumped them there”, “abandoned them”, “ sold their home” etc. With PoA that’s what you probably have to do in the next few months.

In the immediate term: call your siblings (WhatsApp?) and tell them you will not be doing the three days (Xmas Eve/day/bxng day) or anytime until after your DMil is discharged. Tell them the options are (a) one of them do it, (b) one of them phones social work, (c) one of them arranges respite in a care home or (d) one of them finds and employs carers.
Not out of bitterness but because you simply 100% cannot do it. Words like “it’s not DH’s parents so it’s not his responsibility” and “Its your turn” and “I just can’t do it - it’s not negotiable”.

It’s not about who owes what to who or why.

...and in my DF case, he hadn’t put anything in place because he thought he’d have more time.

I admit I do feel bitter and hate myself for feeling this way about this but unfortunately I can't breath a word as I found out through sorting my parents unpaid tax - not from being told. I've never expected help from my parents, financial or otherwise - knowing what I know now I wish I hadn't been so proud and when I did once ask (for a £400 loan to pay my dentist) I was turned down anyway.

Well, my siblings are keen on live-in carers but have done nothing to find out the cost, or how to put it all in place - arrange the house etc (and my father is 100% against anyone coming in even for an hour) - they have however sent me a plethera of "helpful" links for me to presumably find out and implement it. I ignore those as we all have equal POA for finance and health (paperwork for all that done by - yup - me and my husband). I'm also sad, sick, resentful that the only reason my siblings have asked after my husband's mother (in ICU) is in case she suddenly recovers enough for him to get me to my parents. I realise that getting all this off my chest on this forum is telling me loud and clear that I need to toughen up and stop being such a doormat. I've only just realised I am a doormat and it's only through these emergency circumstances that I've realised they really don't give two hoots for me or our own parents.

Push back OP, just say, “too busy” or “thats a great link, I’m sure it’ll be really helpful for you to get mum sorted”

You must speak up, for your own health!
Recently given up driving unresolved eye issues, and Parkinson’s.
Respite must happen, your parents need care, and your siblings deny they need help.
live in care prob too expensive, whether your parents like it or not they can’t cope.
Tell SS it’s making you ill and you can’t cope

Hi OP, my suggestion would be that you speak to the GP and request an urgent Occupational Therapy assessment at home. It may be that with the correct equipment in place that your mum could be managed with one carer. If so, a live in career would be cheaper than both being in care, assuming they can afford a live in carer without seeking the house.
Of you contact careseekers, they will do the legwork in finding carers, or even a home that has space over Christmas for a respite break, whatever you decide.
Out of interest, have both of your parents been assessed as having no capacity and if not, your POA for H& W does not count yet as your dad should be making those decisions for himself.

Difficult as it is your parents need to go into a nursing home.
You will ruin your relationship with your siblings and probably your own health in the process.

Live in carer is a great idea. My sibling was v keen on the idea for DF too. Until she realised that when I went on holiday she would need to be available in case of unforeseen disasters...

Cross one bridge at a time. Immediate issue is the next fortnight or so.