Aibu to expect my siblings to help care for our elderly parents

[Windleberry]

What to do? I think I just wanted to vent really and gather opinions, thoughts, advice.

My parents are 88 and 93 - mother has advanced dementia, doubly incontinent, can no longer converse, can no longer walk. Father - memory now pretty bad but physically okay, has phases in denial that mother is as ill as she is.

I have 5 siblings. We all live over 100k away from our parents and in different directions to each other. Only 2 of my siblings drive. Our parents live in countryside, 7k from a railway station with a very scant bus service from the rail station to their village.

During covid my husband and I, completely by chance, ended up living, temporarily, just 30k away from them so we popped in to them once or twice a week and, as their care needs grew, we got more involved in helping them over the next 2 years.

During this time, even after lock down was lifted, my siblings rarely visited them and when they did it was just for lunch and a chat - nothing practical like laundry, cleaning, bill paying - they left that all to me and my husband. However they demanded to know everything that was going on with them so I updated them on everything we did or planned to do.

In March 2022 my husband and I had to return return home, 100k away from my parents, therefore my husband and I arranged a daily carer to help my parents for an hour a day (they refused more than that - accepting care is and was a huge struggle so it was extremely difficult to put in place).

More recently, with mother's condition ever declining and now needing two people to lift, wash and change her we increased care to two carers for 3x1 hour visits a day. Imo my father also now needs help with houshold things as he can no longer drive to the shops for food etc and often forgets to make meals for them both, yet will not allow the carers to prepare meals for them. My husband and I organised delivery of microwaveble meal and deal with their finances. I asked the carers to contact any of us if/when necessary. Me and my siblings have equal health and financial POA but I am the only one who has bothered to use them.

Due to a disability I can no longer drive and am off work long term sick so rely on my husband to drive us when we visit my parents. I have been by train a dew times but it's a difficult journey because of my disability, lack of buses and my finances won't stretch to taxi fares.

Fast forward, since moving away from my parents my siblings have started a visiting rota but still look to me as lead. If something doing is needed by the carer it is either me doing it or it is met with a silence - I've tried to stand down hoping they will take initiative but it doesnt happen and my parents are thr ones who suffer. My siblings pretend to miss the carers' calls, pretend they have no internet, pretend they're suddenly working full time plus late into the night and/or are "too busy", too tired, too everything.

Recently the carers have taken some days off on which some of us took turns to cover them. The care is mainly getting my mother up from bed, her incontinence pants changed and clean up where she's spread faeces around. It's unpleasant having to deal with changing and cleaning mother and age hates it too. Despite her dementia she is aware and doesn't like her children doing it and besides she's physically stronger than me puts up a terrific fight and my husband and I are afraid of hurting her in the process.

The Carers are taking 5 days over Christmas off. Nobody volunteered to cover for them, all kinds of excuses, so eventually my husband (who is an angel) and I said we would cover Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day. Another sibling stepped up for the other 2 days.

However, yesterday, my husband's elderly mother has been rushed into hospital and is in intensive care, reason unknown. My husband's parents live 200k away in the opposite direction to my parents.

Obviously my husband needs to be available for his mother now and, because the rail network is on strike over Christmas, there are no trains running so I find myself unable to get to my parents and can no longer cover for the carers.

I told my siblings that my husbands mother was urgently rushed into hospital in a critical state, cause unknown, and that as there were no trains over Christmas I could no longer cover care of our parents over Christmas.

So far - days later - not one of my siblings has offered to step in to help our parents. One has said she'll phone the carer, so I expect she plans to ask the carers to cancel their holiday!

I am angry and resentful that not one of them has stepped forward to help their parents, parents that have helped them enormously over the years.

What really rankles is that I've found out from doing my parents finances that every single one of them has had huge financial handouts (one was even bought a house, another a new car etc!) from my parents over their lives but, when I asked for help to pay a dental fee, my parents declined. Yes, I am bitter, yes it is an ugly feeling, and yes I feel resentful that my husband has done more for my parents than my siblings have.

I am waiting to see what they come up with to help our parents now that I'm unavailable. Minute by minute it seems increasingly likely that they're happy to let our mother fester in her bed of urine and faeces while they enjoy their Christmases.

What would you do? Respite care in a home is not an option and I've been unable to find respite carers - so it is down to me and my siblings.

When you call social services tomorrow you have to stress it’s pretty much only you doing the caring and it’s impossible 100k away.
It will probably take a while to talk your parents into going into a home so it’s good to start now.
Do you think your parent with dementia has capacity, this will need to be assessed.
If it was me I’d leave the siblings out of it, they haven’t stepped up for their own reasons which is fair enough so you’ll have to go over their heads.
The living arrangement at the moment isn’t working, they don’t sound safe living there.

I don't think it's reasonable for your siblings to leave this crisis solely to you. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
It sounds like a care home is the answer, but it should not be just up to you to resolve this.

Could it be that your siblings don’t want a care home because they want the inheritance money? I’ve seen this an awful lot at work (nurse), people can be entitled bastards. Happy to leave their own parents lying in poo rather than be safe and clean in a care home. Ring social services and set up a meeting and assessment. Let your siblings know when this is done what they advise (‘is everyone happy for me to get the ball rolling with what they advised’) and watch them all jump up and start getting involved.

My sister and I are going through much the same thing with our mother. She is currently in hospital after fall and we have discovered that she has been throwing away the meals we arranged for daily delivery.
We have tried our best to keep her at home as she wished but it is now impossible. Sis and I are both in mid sixties and I have no desire to carry on caring after six years.
Good luck with your care home search

Phone SS tomorrow morning they will have to arrange for your parents to go into a care home. Your parents may not want this or your siblings either but it is that or your poor Mum sitting in her own shit and urine all day. Be firm with SS make them understand if they don't act there is no-one to care for parents over Xmas. Care homes cost about £850 per week each. Your parents money will soon be depleted but once down to £23k SS will pay. It is what it is and in your shoes I would call a Teams meeting with siblings and tell them unless they all step up to help SS is only option left to you.

Your siblings are disgusting leaving you to do all the work. They definitely need to be in a care home.

It sounds like your mum needs a nursing home, not just residential! A dementia specialist home would suit her needs and your father either more care at home or a residential home. It's not sustainable you and siblings trying to do everything yourselves. Sorry.

I think your family/parents need residential care at this stage, simply because it has gone beyond the point that you can cope with. We had to make a similar decision when COVID hit and DMIL's carers became uncertain. A care home was, quite simply, a better option as we knew she would be fed, medicated and looked after, which was impossible for us to manage from 300 miles away.

I didn't want to be the person that brought up the financial implications, but I do think that some people have their eye on any inheritance going.

I think you are missing the main issue: your parents can no longer live independently and the fact that they are based in the middle of nowhere simply means caring for them is an impossible task.

Trying to paper the cracks with carers and a rota from unwilling siblings is not going to work.

Your parents need to accept that they need to go into residential care.

Frankly, they need to be told they need looking after 24x7, and that only a care home will do what is needed. There are some that ARE quite nice but it's the same rule as schools. You want a minimum good standard.

Would I be right I thinking that they don't want your parents to go into a home because the fees will eat away at their inheritance?

Depending on your parents mental state/capacity, the decision of whether or not to go into a care home may be taken away from them. Do they not have a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) or social worker? Please do contact the GP or social services, this situation isn't sustainable for anyone and your parent/s could very likely come to harm if they go on like this for much longer.

Best wishes to you, it's a very difficult situation.

Care homes cost about £850 per week
where I live care homes are from £1150 to £2000 per week.

Around us, the going rate is £950 per week for anyone with dementia. And that is on the low side of normal.

This!

residential care home
If your siblings have other ideas they can organise it. Can you check that your parents have their affairs in order? Wills etc? Maybe a charity like Age Uk can advise on how it can be paid for.
you have hit your limit. Don’t beat yourself up.

Some really unsympathetic replies here, OP. It’s really tough for you (and your DH). I wonder if your siblings are so used to you taking the lead that they think if they just keep quiet, you’ll eventually relent? Also, I agree with others that your parents probably DO need residential care but am aware that’s not what you asked and also not necessarily your decision to make. Either way, I’m sorry it’s all falling to you and hope you sort something out going forward.

Me and one brother do all the care for a parent. My other brother lives at a distance and between his wife having mental health issues and his son having SEN he doesn't have much time to help.

However he doesn't criticise or expect to have an opinion. I would quickly shut down any expectation that those not involved on a day to day basis have any input.

Sending you lots of love as I know this is a difficult situation, but you’re doing the right thing contacting social services to get the ball rolling.

it might be your siblings don’t want to consider a care home as it’ll wipe out their inheritance but your parents health and well-being comes first I’m afraid and as awful as it is this decision cannot be in your parents hands anymore.

YABU.
Your parents have failed to prepare adequately for old age and are happy for you to be their runaround now they can't cope, no doubt exacerbated by where they have chosen to age and grow frail.
They really let you do all that for them in the prime of your lives with jobs and families of your own?!!
This is what we save for all our lives. To buy in help and care as needed and not rely on our busy adult DC.
Don't be angry with your siblings because their life choices lead to a different outcome for them then yours do for you.
Your frustration and resentment is misplaced.

Stop being a martyr and put them in a home where they are safe and not sat around in shit. Christ.

I wouldn't give your siblings one last chance or run any final choices by them. They have made it clear they are too 'busy' to help, and they are absolutely fine with leaving your parents without food or basic hygiene for days on end so clearly don't have their best interests at heart.

Call social services and report them as a crisis case and then cut back your involvement. I know it's not about the money but I can't imagine someone giving all their kids but one, significant financial help, and the fact your siblings are happy to leave all your parents care to them as well is indicating to me that there are probably some messed up dynamics in the family and you are likely the scapegoat to some extent

It sounds like they need care home especially with advancing dementia. It not down to people to be taking turns.

Echoing others that it very much sounds like your parents’ best interests would be served by going into residential care. If arrangements are precarious for care at home, they risk really undignified treatment, possibly alone. I have seen grandparents resist care and it breaking my parents and in-laws. Both sets have said they do not want their children caring for them in that way. The grandparents with dementia were by far the worst due to the heavy emotional toll it took on those caring and the horrible things they often did and said which made that toll even harder.

It all sounds so badly managed. Your parents should've organised what they wanted to happen decades earlier. Living in the middle of nowhere with no family nearby was never going to work (if they wanted family help). if they didn't they should've had provisions in place.
Social services sounds like the best option at this stage.