Aibu to expect my siblings to help care for our elderly parents

[Windleberry]

What to do? I think I just wanted to vent really and gather opinions, thoughts, advice.

My parents are 88 and 93 - mother has advanced dementia, doubly incontinent, can no longer converse, can no longer walk. Father - memory now pretty bad but physically okay, has phases in denial that mother is as ill as she is.

I have 5 siblings. We all live over 100k away from our parents and in different directions to each other. Only 2 of my siblings drive. Our parents live in countryside, 7k from a railway station with a very scant bus service from the rail station to their village.

During covid my husband and I, completely by chance, ended up living, temporarily, just 30k away from them so we popped in to them once or twice a week and, as their care needs grew, we got more involved in helping them over the next 2 years.

During this time, even after lock down was lifted, my siblings rarely visited them and when they did it was just for lunch and a chat - nothing practical like laundry, cleaning, bill paying - they left that all to me and my husband. However they demanded to know everything that was going on with them so I updated them on everything we did or planned to do.

In March 2022 my husband and I had to return return home, 100k away from my parents, therefore my husband and I arranged a daily carer to help my parents for an hour a day (they refused more than that - accepting care is and was a huge struggle so it was extremely difficult to put in place).

More recently, with mother's condition ever declining and now needing two people to lift, wash and change her we increased care to two carers for 3x1 hour visits a day. Imo my father also now needs help with houshold things as he can no longer drive to the shops for food etc and often forgets to make meals for them both, yet will not allow the carers to prepare meals for them. My husband and I organised delivery of microwaveble meal and deal with their finances. I asked the carers to contact any of us if/when necessary. Me and my siblings have equal health and financial POA but I am the only one who has bothered to use them.

Due to a disability I can no longer drive and am off work long term sick so rely on my husband to drive us when we visit my parents. I have been by train a dew times but it's a difficult journey because of my disability, lack of buses and my finances won't stretch to taxi fares.

Fast forward, since moving away from my parents my siblings have started a visiting rota but still look to me as lead. If something doing is needed by the carer it is either me doing it or it is met with a silence - I've tried to stand down hoping they will take initiative but it doesnt happen and my parents are thr ones who suffer. My siblings pretend to miss the carers' calls, pretend they have no internet, pretend they're suddenly working full time plus late into the night and/or are "too busy", too tired, too everything.

Recently the carers have taken some days off on which some of us took turns to cover them. The care is mainly getting my mother up from bed, her incontinence pants changed and clean up where she's spread faeces around. It's unpleasant having to deal with changing and cleaning mother and age hates it too. Despite her dementia she is aware and doesn't like her children doing it and besides she's physically stronger than me puts up a terrific fight and my husband and I are afraid of hurting her in the process.

The Carers are taking 5 days over Christmas off. Nobody volunteered to cover for them, all kinds of excuses, so eventually my husband (who is an angel) and I said we would cover Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day. Another sibling stepped up for the other 2 days.

However, yesterday, my husband's elderly mother has been rushed into hospital and is in intensive care, reason unknown. My husband's parents live 200k away in the opposite direction to my parents.

Obviously my husband needs to be available for his mother now and, because the rail network is on strike over Christmas, there are no trains running so I find myself unable to get to my parents and can no longer cover for the carers.

I told my siblings that my husbands mother was urgently rushed into hospital in a critical state, cause unknown, and that as there were no trains over Christmas I could no longer cover care of our parents over Christmas.

So far - days later - not one of my siblings has offered to step in to help our parents. One has said she'll phone the carer, so I expect she plans to ask the carers to cancel their holiday!

I am angry and resentful that not one of them has stepped forward to help their parents, parents that have helped them enormously over the years.

What really rankles is that I've found out from doing my parents finances that every single one of them has had huge financial handouts (one was even bought a house, another a new car etc!) from my parents over their lives but, when I asked for help to pay a dental fee, my parents declined. Yes, I am bitter, yes it is an ugly feeling, and yes I feel resentful that my husband has done more for my parents than my siblings have.

I am waiting to see what they come up with to help our parents now that I'm unavailable. Minute by minute it seems increasingly likely that they're happy to let our mother fester in her bed of urine and faeces while they enjoy their Christmases.

What would you do? Respite care in a home is not an option and I've been unable to find respite carers - so it is down to me and my siblings.

YANBU! I would be angry with my siblings, too! And, honestly, I think everyone saying just put them in a nursing home is kinda selfish & unreasonable. I’ve worked in nursing homes (in the US), and I can assure you, they will not get the individualized care they need to do their best. The staffing just isn’t there. They might get looked in on every couple of hours, but most definitely absolutely not any more than that. Maybe not even every 2 hrs, if they are short staffed (read: MORE short than usual) or extra busy. I think you might have better luck with more in-home care, as they would have the ability to spend the time working with your parents. I do think you/your parents need more help than they are currently getting. I wish your siblings would step up, but my guess is that they won’t. It sucks, really, that people don’t seem to feel like they should be responsible for providing care for aging parents, but I guess that’s one more reason our society is failing.
I’m quite sure that, when the time comes, it will be my son & I who care for my parents. I can almost assure you that my sister will not help. She just isn’t a “caregiver.” And she’s not going to try.

PS, maybe try explaining to your Dad that you want to honor their wishes to remain at home, but in order to do so, they need to have help. And keep reminding him…I know our older folks can be super stubborn…you are now in the unfortunate situation of having to parent your parents. Remember that when dealing with them…old age seems to be a 2nd childhood, I’ve learned.
Best of luck to you, your husband, and your parents. I really hope things work out for the best!
sending you good vibes!

I have been where you are, and it's not easy. I'm an only child.
You feel like you have to keep them home.
Or you are a horrible person.
Fast forward. Your health is failing. You are always tired. You work quality declines. And forget about any enjoyment in life.
Put them in a home for the elderly. They get the care they need without destroying your life. And they are around people of their own age. They have a chance to socialize and not sit in a house staring at each other.
Everyone will be happier. When you visit, you won't be running yourself ragged.

Theliteraryfeline
I disagree with your post, the OP’s DM is not safe at home. She needs 24/7 care.

You’ve basically taken on the exact same role that I have and it’s sucks, I sympathise. My lazy ass sister can only criticise and be nasty to our mum yet we’ve had mum move in with us as she couldn’t pay her rent and bills. I also got all her debts written off and successfully applied for attendance allowance. It’s a pain but I just think that my sister is a lazy person and not very nice to boot. You sound lovely OP. Tbh, if your siblings wanted to help then they would. They don’t want to help so you won’t be able to make them 🤷‍♀️

Twat

Do they have capacity? If it’s deemed that they don’t then your POA will kick in and you can have them put into a home if you believe that they need it under medical grounds. The one thing I don’t know is whether all the people who have POA have to agree.

That's not quite right. Having POA doesn't give you carte blanche to make decisions, even 'on medical grounds', whatever that means. You have to exercise your powers under the principles of the Mental Capacity Act code of practice, making any decisions demonstrably in the person's best interest, and in the least restrictive way possible. Whether you need agreement of all those with POA, will depend on how it was written (jointly or severally), but it's why they suggest having too many people with POA can make decision making difficult.

Also, if your father hasn't been assessed as having lost capacity in this regard, you don't have POA for him for health and well-being. If he is, then you'll need to activate the POA and go from there.

More (reliable) info here:

www.scie.org.uk/mca/practice/representing-the-person/lasting-power-of-attorney

No, that’s not correct. For someone to be ‘put into a care home’ they either have to agree, or there has to be a needs assessment carried out to determine what their care needs are.
If the person appears to lack capacity to make the decision, then an assessment regarding capacity has to be carried out and possibly a DOLS assessment also carried out.

I can't believe some people are saying your siblings are being reasonable, only on MN.

The siblings have happily been taking large amounts of money and now are ignoring carers calls and refusing to get involved in any care for the parents.

Is there a backstory with your parents helping your siblings with money but not you?

I think as you were involved from the beginning in 2020 thats set the precedent and its very hard to change now. Sorry no advice really but sounds like you are completely shouldering the burden with your husband.

I was also quite horrified by the viewpoint that we have no obligation to care for parents. So crazy. Unless your parent was an abuser or a murderer, we do indeed have a connection to the people who brought us into the world and raised us, even if they screwed up. We don't have an obligation to sacrifice our own lives and finances to do but being there and caring is something everyone can do. The elder abuse and neglect in the modern world is catastrophic. Elderly people have a lot to give and contribute if they are supported.

Not everyone's angling for a medal in the Martyr Olympics, though

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! Kids are becoming so ungrateful & selfish!

Happened with our neighbour during covid lockdown. She went down hill frail, falling over, incontinent, one son came when he could 100 miles away but his health was poor, he didn't have POA though. The brother who did refused to visit or consider a home. Her panic button used to go off and neighbours informed. They were older too. One day four times she fell and soiled herself. She had to be lifted cleaned up. They called an ambulance. Height of covid. Paramedics advised against it. Neighbours phoned son and said enough. He then arranged carers with the council. One day she finally broke her hip. Went into hospital, got covid, recovered. She then refused to go home, her son wouldn't consider a care home. She died there.

The following week the son who had control of her estate turned up, moved into her house telling everyone he was retiring here. No mention of the other brother who visited regularly. He's a loathsome man. But considerably wealthier now.

It's all about the money for some folk

I worked as a carer for 20 years, and saw lots of families like yours - some would do everything to help, and some would do nothing. Caring for someone in the later stages of Dementia is such hard work - physically, as well as emotionally draining. If it were MY mum, I'd seriously be thinking about long-term care in a home. I'm sorry for your situation.

The trouble is sacrificing your own life is too often what's expected.

They really need to be going into a care home. You cannot expect anything from your siblings. It cannot continue as it is. They will become unwell at home. Get the ball rolling.

You need to find a nice care home. The care assistants will be on hand day and night 24/7. Your parents will be looked after, and kept feed, encouraged to drink plenty, they will be kept clean and warm. They we still be together. You can visit as much as you want and get to enjoy the time with your parents. Your siblings can visit and enjoy time with your parents too.

At the care home where I worked some residents and family's were apprehensive about going into a care home. Some residents use to come for 2-4 weeks just to try settle in with the option of going back home if things didn't work out.

If I were you I would at least try to see if it would work for you, your Husband, your parents, siblings etc...

I've said to my family if ever i'm ill or to frail to look after myself then I have no hesitation in going to live in a care home where I will be looked after.

Good luck with what ever you all decide to do.

This situation is similar to mil
she lived in an apartment with communal lounge
over time she needed more care
sil lived about 6mls from her, so she did most things. Other Sil hardly any, excuses anxiety, can’t get out, can’t drive that far etc(she had car) my dp we lived 27mls away, dp could I felt do more imo, when there he’d do lot of talking to her and knew how to make her laugh
further down the line, mil became forgetful
incontinent although would insist she was fine and could go to the shop & cook !!! No no she couldn’t . She had carers 3x daily, really didn’t want them, but eventually didn’t even know how many were coming
Nearest Sil (we found out) was POA and handled everything(sis&bro not informed) things became too much for Sil and we think she contacted SS and a home was found
sis&bro got a text to say she was now in nursing home and apartment was being sold

mil memory is bad now, we get the same 3 repeated questions over & over repeatedly
she won’t walk anywhere, won’t go in the lounge
stays in her room with her tv.
She is in very good spirits when talking and visiting her and still has a very good sense of humour, which is good
she doesn’t remember her apartment or where she lived.

so what I would suggest is
the less people involved the better, you & dh just do it. Your sister don’t really have the right to say “ stay in their home”
As I mentioned mil at beginning was adamant there was No way she was going in a home
and even said to nearest dd not to put her in one.
She now say, it’s nice in here, the food is good and lovely people. 😊

WOW!

Having gone through dementia with both a parent and and in law, I do know how very hard it is. But really, I do agree with pps, that it’s time for a care home. You need to get social services involved say they are at risk and vulnerable - the buzzwords - and that you are absolutely no longer able to supply anything approaching their care needs.

Refusing care, except from family, is unfortunately all too common, but at some point, very often, a person’s needs have to override their ‘wants’.

If you aren’t already aware, the Alzheimer’s Society has a forum for carers (and despairing relatives!) of people with dementia. For too many years it was a lifeline for me. Whatever you’re going through, someone will have been there.

There are rarely any easy answers, but at least you can offload to others who know exactly what it’s like. Too often people who haven’t been there even for a week, have not a clue, but think they do, and offer facile answers that make you want to scream!

Good luck!

OMG! Having kids is a worthless & thankless job! Can't blame some ppl for now having them!

One does not have to be a matyr to help their parents.

@Momscarer that very much depends on the level of need, geographical proximity and whether they are prepared to accept other help.

Hi! Did you manage to get anything sorted over Christmas?

I know this was posted a long time ago. I just wanted to say that people who insist it isn't children's responsible to care for aging parents are the most selfish and entitled people. Seriously since the beginning of time the young take care of the old...except now in a select few "advanced" societies. Getting help from in home care givers is great but extremely expensive and facilities are horrendous. I don't care how nice they are and most aren't that nice. If you don't agree with me. I dare you to get a job at one and just work there for six months. Then tell me how you would feel about living there, especially when you can't help yourself. I'm sorry that your siblings are selfish and can't help. If they are "too busy" to assist someone that gave them life, then they should each pay for one day of care. Best of luck.