To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

The awful realisation that your mum is an idiot must be irking! No point is remaining angry though!

I hate posts like this. So what?

Guess what, my mum died this year. I still think op's mum is unbearable and I would stop tolerating it.

What a strange comment. I've been on the planet long enough to realise that what you have for Christmas Dinner is such a tiny part of the bigger picture that it's irrelevant.

I’d be going very low contact and not invite her for Christmas. Can’t bear deliberate attention seeking incompetence. Don’t let your dd suffer from her behaviour the way you had to.

Then perhaps consider the bigger picture, that it happens all the time, that OP was sent to school in the wrong colour uniform and teased for it because her mum is oh so ditzy. It is not just about Christmas dinner.

That would drive me nuts op.

Don't go, tell her exactly why you're not going and you can either have dinner at home yourself or she can come over if you decide to extend an invite.

In reference to the adhd. I have adhd and autism yet I can cook Christmas dinner for 10 every year. I need to be organised to do it and I do take a day the week before to write as much down as I can for a visual on the day. I would never behave like ops mum. She knew, she was reminded, she didn't forget Christmas was coming or that she was hosting. She just didn't want to. You can forget a side dish sometimes but the rest of the actual dinner is still there.

This is my mum. At the grand old age of 70 she’s been diagnosed with adhd. Something to consider.

Given all the rest of the stuff it does sound like she does it on purpose. I would find that massively annoying OP.

I've got a family member who does this kind of thing/helplessness to get attention/avoid doing any actual work/covertly hurt people. I don't even think they would throw the Christmas dinner stunt (not that they would offer to cook in the first place).

p.s. my mum died when I was four, just after Christmas, and I've missed her nearly every day since. I still think you are 100% justified in being irritated by your mum and this bollocks.

I'm so annoyed for you OP. She sounds like an attention seeker.

I don’t think she has ADHD - or if she does then she has something else going on as well.

I have a diagnosis of ADHD, as do some of my family.

I can be very disorganised and forgetful and sabotage myself at times. However, I also have hyperfocus, which is my superpower.

I never ever mess up the big things. DC’s parties, first day at school etc. I will plan and plan and overprepare, weeks before, and maybe because I know I need to do that so nothing slips through the net.

If I do mess up - it would be one of thing, meaning to do homemade cranberry sauce for example but forgetting the cranberries.

It’s as if my brain is telling me “This is important, this is important” again and again and again so I can’t rest unless I know it is all correct.

It doesn’t work like this on a daily basis unfortunately and would be unsustainable , but it does for the things I see as very very important. If I had messed up Christmas dinner one year then it would be extra loud the next year!

When I travelled during COVID, I had a folder with multiple printouts of test certificates, landing forms, QR codes etc, all colour coded. One of the airport staff commented on how organised I was… if only he knew 🙈

Your DM really sounds as if she gets something out of this. She doesn’t seem to feel shame or the urge to change or even to be really sorry.

Sounds like strategic incompetence. Maybe she wants the Christmas Dinner at her house but wants you to cook it?

@user58202018484482910ugog19293843910 - You have just summed up what I was trying to say, but much more succinctly!

If her mum has been incompetent all her life, whether deliberately or otherwise, it's all the more reason to accept it and move on.

As she has always been unable to do a Christmas dinner, I personally think there is some undiagnosed disability affecting executive function. Christmas dinner is not an easy meal to cook. It could be ADHD- we don’t know how she handles stress. Many people channel stress into laughter or self-deprecating humour. So the fact she’s not crying and not tearing out her hair, doesn’t mean she isn’t stressed. It could be a TBI causing her executive dysfunction as well.

I think OP, you were absolutely unreasonable to amp up the pressure by talking up a wonderful DM Christmas dinner to your DD with “posh stuffing”, pigs in blankets, and all the trimmings. If someone truly cannot do something, piling on the pressure makes it even less likely they can even make a good attempt. And no surprise, your DM couldn’t even get the Turkey defrosted. Yet you are thinking unreasonably that your DM has deliberately let her granddaughter down. You should never have talked up your DMs Christmas dinner when the truth is every year she can’t quite get one cooked successfully. That was a test you knew she would fail. (And you seem overly comfortable about lying to your DD- which made it awkward for you as how to explain that the wonderful DM Christmas dinner is as likely as a unicorn?)

I think also OP that YABU to say it’s “attention seeking” and her failures are “deliberate.” You honestly should at least encourage your DM to be assessed. The majority of women with ADHD in her generation were never diagnosed. They slipped through the cracks.

Yeah, fair enough.

If her mum has been incompetent all her life, whether deliberately or otherwise, it's all the more reason to accept it and move on.

As long as the mum accepts that the daughters accepts that this doesn't mean the op sorts all her mess out forevermore!

@NoSnow
I have a diagnosis of ADHD, as do some of my family.
So do I.

I can be very disorganised and forgetful and sabotage myself at times.
Me too

However, I also have hyperfocus, which is my superpower.
I have hyperfocus too, but it’s no superpower it’s a disability. If I get sucked in, I cannot eat, sleep, wee until I crash. When hyper-focus kicks in, there is no finished or done, it goes for 12-16hrs straight and everything else is forgotten.

I never ever mess up the big things.
I constantly did before I was medicated and had occupational therapy to help me with organisation and setting up reminders.

Why should OP have to accept it and move on? Even if she is ND, many people on here have already explained they learn coping mechanisms, are annoyed when they mess up etc. OP’s Mum appears to revel in her “helplessness” to the detriment of her daughter and granddaughter. I wouldn’t just accept that.

You will drive yourself insane if you keep on dwelling on this issue!! Let it go or take it out on the nearest cushion.
Then never let you and your family be put in that position again by refusing Christmas Dinner prepared by your mum at any point in the future. If she wants to see you then arrange to see her after you have had your dinner if she's not with you in person.
I must admit I'd be cheesed off if someone promised me dinner or food and then sacked it off but you do need to let it go.

Really? You're wondering why it's better to accept it and move on than to sit and stew and spoil your life?

The idea this is entirely the product of ADHD is nonsense. Horrible for you to lay into the OP the way you have.

And yes, I have an ADHD diagnosis. And a parent with an ADHD diagnosis.

Well, all that hinges on knowing you have ADHD or whatever. If you constantly fail and are told instead you’re a useless & stupid your whole life, eventually you believe it. Along with the saying that you ‘can’t cure stupid’.

Which let’s face it, would have been the message for the DMs generation. So what do you do? You’ve been told it’s something you cannot change, there is nothing you can do.

So what’s the healthy mental state? To live in perpetual shame and depression? To fail once and never try again because why bother, you’re stupid? Or to keep trying and have a bit of humour about your shortcomings & failures?

I think hats off to the DM for not giving up and trying to do a Christmas dinner every year. That shows some strength really. It’s just depressing to me that everyone assumes that trying always leads to success eventually when it doesn’t when you have no idea why she is failing and what tools she needs to succeed.

@StillFumin One thing I am almost certain of, everytime dm asks if you are mad at her, and you reply 'no', then dm gets a reward feeling. Whether that feeling is smugness, triumph, relief, satisfaction, reassurance, superiority or whatever. Dm likes that feeling so keeps asking the same question to get the feeling she craves.
I might reply, 'Not mad at you for myself, because I now expect you to let me down. I am mad that dd did not get the day you promised her.'

I am glad you will get your Christmas this year op.

No I don’t mean OP should sit and stew on it but I wouldn’t just accept that behaviour from my parent, especially towards my child. My Dad is incredibly unreliable. He is always late, promising things and then denying he said it. No ND, just thinks more highly of himself than anyone else. Not the same as the OP, but I don’t just accept it. My Dad has limited time with my child.

@LivingOnAnIsland but there are also things that are important to you which the OP would find quite trivial. It doesn't mean that the not-bothered person is wiser or more enlightened than the bothered person. It's just that we're all different people, with different worries, hang-ups and priorities.

Do you see where I'm coming from, or do you still need a bit of help with the whole 'We're all different and you're not special' concept?