To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

It sounds subtly abusive to me. She can upset you whilst claiming innocence. A variation on my mum's cruel comments (such as being told i was brain damaged at birth) which I get told
I'm too sensitive about if I respond as she was 'only joking'.

I'd go very low contact for your daughter's sake

Strategic incompetence?

By chance is she suffering due to the menopause? Brain fog is a very common symptom

Oh god there's always one. Even on the most horrific threads when someone has clearly suffered extensive abuse (which I don't think OP is suggesting, albeit your mother does sound incredibly annoying) someone pipes up with something like this. Learn to read the room/thread! Your life experience isn't the same as others' and in this example is irrelevant! Lots of people are genuinely better off without their parents in their lives.

What would happen OP if you told her the truth, that you were still mad at her? I'm wondering why you lied?

You don't say if she does this with other people (the letting them down) or is it some sort of punishment for you, OP.

It's like people who are ALWAYS late for things - 'Ooops, I'm sorry' no you're fffing not or you'd be there on time.

Why do some people not understand this is not just about Christmas Dinner (which is arguably the biggest festival of the year for most people in the UK), it’s the OP’s mothers learned helplessness which has affected the OP her whole life and is now affecting the OP’s DD.

Probably because it's part and parcel of a classic Christmas dinner. She's clearly young and excited about having the quintessential Christmas experience, which includes the celebratory food of the season. I'm sure there are plenty of people who wouldn't touch a sprout outside of a Christmas dinner, but will have them for that meal because it's tradition. And, for that matter, not many will have pigs in blankets outside of Christmas. Or cranberry sauce, bread sauce, egg nog, mince pies etc etc.

Um, I think she may have undiagnosed ADHD

I agree with PPs who've said you just need to ignore her crap and move on quickly: 'Never mind, we can ... instead'. Does/did she manage to hold down a job? If so, how?

Do you? Care to show your workings for your armchair diagnosis?

God yes I really get why you are furious. My mother plays one family member off against the other by pretending to be weak, feeble and "upset" by everything. Everyone dances around her trying not to be the one to upset her this time.
I haven't seen her for 4 years now I've had enough of this crap.

perhaps she has adhd?

Perhaps she's a fucking bitch who wants to ruin Christmas for everyone then play the victim.

@LivingOnAnIsland - agree. I find all the expectation about a meal/party/presents v stressful and against the spirit of Christmas.

I personally can see why she didn’t defrost the trimmings - because once you miss the point with the turkey; you could think - well what’s the point of doing the accompaniments if the main meal isn’t possible? Some people are just unreliable - and to save yourself stress, you just have to not rely on them (and have backups for any important things).

I do sympathise with OP though with all the episodes she had while growing up - eg the school uniform.

Concrete on doing the Christmas dinner you and your DD want this year. If/when your mum asks if you are still angry just say -no, keep it light and breezy then change to subject. Rinse and repeat.

There might be some executive dysfunction in the mix but this is more than ADHD. An ADHD-er would be stressing about getting it wrong.

I agree with pp who said there is something subtly abusive here. It's quite narcissistic, no concern at all for you and your dd.

I'm not surprised you're upset. I imagine it will have brought back lots of old upsetting feelings and memories

My mother is a nassisist.
She comes across as very helpless. she seems completely unable to carry out daily tasks or function normally. she is unable to have an independent thought without texting me. I get hundreds of messages a day.

she is completely unable to use the pre payment meter she has had in her property for 30 years. she refuses to get a smart meter so I can top it up remotely. its constantly runs out of money day and night dispite me telling her exactly how much she needs to top up per week to keep it running.

she texts me numerous times a day asking stupid questions she should know or could Google. I got so sick of it I started replying with I don't know or the wrong answer she would then reply with the correct answer which she probably knew all along.

she will also deliberately get the wrong end of the stick constantly misinterpreting situations or things we've said in order to be offended.

she often causes big rows and stops speaking to the family for weeks on end saying we have frozen her out. During these times she is somehow able perfectly to function on her own. so I know its all bullsh*t intended to get as much attention as possible. she ruins evey chrismas and thr majority of birthdays and special occasions any way she can.

it's hard work OP. Personally I'd try to stop seeing her christmas day as she seems intent on ruining it for you and dd. I suspect even if she comes to yours this year she will find another way to cause problems.

I have a friend like this, it's really fucking annoying.

She thinks it's cute to fail at basic tasks.

I guess it's worked at some point in her life?

I'm a bit petty so I'd ask your mum if there's something specific she'd like for Christmas dinner or pudding - then leave it in the freezer so she couldn't have it 🤣

With people like this your best option is to turn up with the bits that are vital to you.

Now, go and watch the Friday Night Dinner where Grandma brings her own turkey and have a glass of port.

PS I'd be bloody annoyed too. Once or twice is a funny memory, more than that is ridiculous.

Im still annoyed about the time she pretended she couldn’t work DDs bubbles and DD had to show her how to blow into the ring rather than above, below or to the side of the ring. It makes me so cross!

I couldn't bear it and I would be in a permanent state of annoyance with her. How on earth have you coped until now?

But also there was no forward thinking or prepared-ness of rectifying the situation which would probably annoy me even more.

What did she do with all the frozen stuff, did you have if the next day at least?

It's that bimbo/dumb blonde thing women used to do. Needing rescued and looked after. "I'm so silly teehee." It's tiresome. Even if it is ADHD, it isn't new. She has purposely chosen not to do anything to help herself. Even the most ADHD of ADHD people would set themselves a reminder if their little grandchild was relying on them.