To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

I'm very scatty and usually sympathise with people who make genuine mistakes but this sounds almost deliberate. Why on earth insist on making xmas dinner, knowing it's important to other people and then allow it to become screwed up. She must have an alterior motive.

No, it’s not nonsense at all. When were you diagnosed with ADHD btw? I was diagnosed late in life and so I understand what it is like to live most of your life not knowing you have it and all that goes with it.

Yes, I’m critical of the OP. It was very unreasonable for her to lie to her DD about a Christmas dinner at DMs being amazing and special when she knew every year it was a disaster.

Bully for you. For many of us, Christmas dinner is a particularly enjoyable meal and one we look forward to. Stuff happens and sometimes we can't have something we've been looking forward to, because of illness, or power cuts, or some other emergency. But if we lose out because someone old enough and with enough life experience to know better just utterly fails to do a simple thing like taking a turkey out of the freezer, well, I'd be disappointed and cross too.

What happened eventually to the frozen turkey? Did she ever defrost it, or is she keeping it for this year?

What a patronising comment. The OP has posted in AIBU, and I think she is BU. Fairly simple concept really.

Not in our house it’s not. Christmas dinner is one of the main parts. Granted it’s not life or death if we ended up having sausage and mash instead but it’s definitely not a ‘tiny’ part of it.

But if the person promising the dinner had let you down all your life, you shouldn't be surprised or annoyed if the dinner doesn't materialise. And you shouldn't be promising a special dinner to a child if you are fully expecting it to go wrong.

And if Christmas dinner is really important to you, you don't rely on someone unreliable to provide it.

You can’t change her OP. You know what she’s like and what to expect from her, all you can do is change how you interact with her.

However knowing the underlying reasons for her behaviour might help you feel less angry with her. You clearly feel like she does it on purpose but have you ever actually witnessed her be fully capable and organised, did she ever have a job?

She would have to be a pretty amazing actress to keep up that facade for your whole life.

Absolutely tell her how it makes you feel next time though, maybe being honest with her will help you let go of the anger.

I think your Mum might just be lazy, simple as that.

Well, the OP won't make that mistake again. She thought she had got her point across to her mother and taken every precaution to prevent her mother messing up yet another Christmas. Now she knows her mother is beyond help. Dispiriting, and I completely understand why she is still very upset about it. Surrounded by other people whose family all pull together and manage to do simple things to make each other happy, it must be really hard to know your nearest and dearest is doing the opposite.

Definitely attention-seeking and trying to convince you she's helpless. My mother used to do this. I've seen her pretend to try to adjust the control on a radiator by waving a hand near it, not realising that I had moved and could see her. That was a defining moment for me: until then I might have thought she was helpless but then I KNEW she was trying to manipulate me into doing everything for her.

I think you should tell your mother exactly what you think of her for ruining her small granddaughter's Christmas lunch in order to get attention for herself.

It was meant to be patronising, so: good

Multiple people have told you to wind your neck in. Maybe you can learn something from that.

I feel if you know your mum messes up christmas dinner each year, then you just have to accept that and either not meet up with her or make yourself a christmas dinner on christmas eve, or boxing day or 6 jan.

Both my parents did shift work over christmas so i am used to christmas dinner just being at some point in the twelve days of christmas so maybe find it easier to not mind an odd christmas day lunch.

I agree.

My mother is like this. I have come to the conclusion it’s a mixture of:

1. lifestyle (she can be incompetent without serious consequences)
2. psychological issues
3. a cluster of learning disorders

I can see why OP didn't just assume her mother would engineer another disaster. My mother is a bit like this, and there is a long pattern of her creating trust/trying to build a better relationship and then behaving awfully with no warning. Now, I can see the pattern and have broken it (by having very little contact with her), but for many, many years I was locked into the same toxic cycle.

OP, has there been someone in her life who has previously taken responsibility for her? Or is it a more general thing in your family that she can't just be left to get on with stuff herself? Does she manage to cook for herself day-to-day? To be honest, I would have just taken my child and left, so your patience is greater than mine (or you have been trained to accept this over many years).

You can't fix this. Maybe she can't either, but she doesn't seem to be trying. Has she sought medical advice? Tried anything to manage better? Or has someone always stepped in to sort it all out?

If it was just xmas dinner you would be u. This is obviously the straw that broke the camels back, I find people who as adults behaving like this unbearable and avoid at all costs.

I'm not surprised that you are still annoyed with your mum you seem to have put up with an awful lot from her over the years. The buying of the wrong school uniform for you is unforgivable. My heart breaks a little for that little girl whose mum could not even be bothered to get the correct uniform and worse knew that you would be sitting there humiliated for a week and then have her start her nasty shenanigans with your own daughter. She must have known how upset she would be and Christmas should be magical for children not much magic in a frozen sausage. Stop letting her get away with it. Tell her how you feel calmy and concisely don't give her the chance to be dramatic and going forward just don't trust her with anything she can mess up. I hope you and your dd have a wonderful Christmas, you absolutely deserve one.

Easy.Don't go.

If this was the case why doesn’t she take up the offers to have Xmas dinner at OPs, or at least accept the offers of help from OP to bring items round/help if she is hosting? That’s what I find confusing!

Im pretty disorganised and find things overwhelming so I wouldn’t insist on hosting/reject offers of help. Maybe it is a weird form
of attention-seeking? :/ No idea.

I have an aunt who is very similar to this as well. She is over 80 now and what you describe about your aunt fits mine as well. She is really good at getting other people to do things for her. Most recently she managed to manipulate my mother to fly 4 hours to where she lives to accompany her to a doctor's appointment because 'I would not understand what is going on' and when the doctor started telling her she needed a hip op actually put her fingers in her ears and started trilling 'la la la la la'.

But the OPs mother sounds so much like someone I work with that I truly wonder if she might be the same person!

I can relate to this , i would be so angry too .
I have had similar situations with a family member and have been left disappointed too many times .
I now refuse to allow their forgetful,scatty,disorganized behavior to impact on my plans and they have to now fit in with me or do their own thing.
I know its 'only a meal' but for one day i want it to be special so 1 year later i can understand your resentment.
Have no expectations of your mother and she won't be able to let you down in the future .

What?! Christmas dinner is the main event (after presents/Mass) in many families, it’s all about a huge event with the organiser going over the top with food/many veg/puddings/booze. For everyone I know, it’s all about the food. The endless chocolates, snacks, cold turkey and stuffing sandwiches. If we did a poll, I bet the majority of posters who celebrate Christmas would put the meal as number 1 priority on the day.

Nope, just checked, nobody has told me to wind my neck in.