To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

Well, that's quite a drip feed, and very different from the picture you painted in your OP.

It's exactly the kind of story I expected to go alongside the OP.

A drip feed completely changes the OP. OP's subsequent post just confirmed what most of us with experience of people like OP's mother already knew from her OP - that her problems with her mother would be much deeper than just a Christmas dinner.

God this has brought back the memory of my brother offering to do Xmas dinner then ARRIVING at my parents house at 4pm to then cook and serve salmon with cous cous. I was so mad!!!!

😂

Remember that one!

Nice reference <chef's kiss>

I doff my chapeau to you.

It’s only a drip feed if you don’t understand how discussion forums work.

When people post about relationship issues, it’s never about the issue they’re posting about. The issue being posted about is inevitably a symptom of a much worse, festering sore.

This is always, always the case.

It's not about getting a different meal to the one you wanted. That's what Mum wants everyone to think so that you look petty and melodramatic and unreasonable.

It's about raising expectations, insisting you've got this great experience coming, then sabotaging it. Over and over. And refusing to let anyone else do anything that could sabotage your sabotage.

If she'd genuinely tried and made a real one off mistake, OP wouldn't feel like this.

Of course this woman raised her child's expectations for a gift, fucked it over and then claimed her daughter was a shallow ingrate. Of course she did.

Sounds like she’s been on some weird little power trip. I’d still be fuming too. I’d definitely never trust her to cook again.

It's not a different picture to the one painted in the OP. Plenty of us were capable of picking up on the dynamic very well.

I think I would task her with bringing something that only affects her, her favourite tipple for example or something you already have. Then you can be all breezy with a oh never mind you will have to go without, or it's alright I already have some anyway. Remove the power she has over you. I bet she will remember anything that benefits her though. I would also prepare my child for not necessarily receiving a gift from grandma or it being a poor/unsuitable gift and to just say thank you and put it to one side.

Well, that's quite a drip feed, and very different from the picture you painted in your OP.

There has been no drip feed.

As usual, women on MNs are actively encouraged to empathise with and accept behaviours from their mothers which would have every poster screaming LTB and calling out the obvious abuse, red flags and control tactics if the individual in question was the OP’s DH.

It’s fucking shameful.

Maternal abuse is a #MeToo movement that can’t get off the ground because of attitudes like “Well, you should just be grateful that your mother is still alive!”

Well, that's quite a drip feed, and very different from the picture you painted in your OP

I don't think it was a drip feed at all. It was fairly obvious her DM had issues from the OP. No one just forgets to take the turkey and all the trimmings out of the freezer for Christmas dinner having already been reminded and knowing it's important. I'm the scattiest person alive and wouldn't do that. If I somehow did I would feel incredibly guilty and apolgise profusely. It's obvious the mum was playing a weird game.

Only if you have no emotional intelligence.

OP you would probably do well to try to build some emotional distance. You can't change your mother but you can work on how it affects you. If you can get to the stage where you have little or no expectations of her you will feel a lot less disappointed when she pulls a stunt like this.

I suspect the tipping point came when it affected your DD, my Mum was awful to her own children but it was only when she tried the same sort of thing with my daughter that I reached the end of my tether. It's amazing what we will put up with because "well no matter what she is still your Mother" in protecting your DD from this you are also protecting yourself which has probably been a long time coming and now that you see that this is not acceptable for any of you I suspect it will take a while to stop being angry - take the power/pressure away from her if she complains remember you are helping her (less to worry about, no guilt at letting others down etc. or you are helping her relationship with her family by preventing this strange sabotage/oh silly me behaviour) I hope you have a lovely Christmas meal

I wonder if it’s a deliberate wind up and also a way to sabotage your family’s day. Covert narcissists hate seeing other people happy and love to spoil special occasions. The more special, the more fun it is for covert narcissists to sabotage the event. It’s always done in a way that if you were to complain to anyone you’d look petty and crazy. It’s called crazy making behaviour. That’s my theory! It sounds difficult and I wouldn’t give her a chance to “help” this year!

Oh god, that would drive me personally up the wall. I'd probably have had so many rows that they'd have cut me off by now.

I can't stand women who think helplessness is endearing. You're an adult. Grow up.

Is your mum literate?

Don't go there anymore for Xmas Dinner but get over it. It's not worth being bitter over.

Im fuming for you!

Never ever go to her house for xmas day again

Bless you; she sounds a nightmare it’s all for attention without a doubt; she sounds like mixed a version of my mother & mil both are a fucking nightmare my mother would do stupid things to get attention like behave appallingly in shops just to shock people & make herself the centre of attention; I would get so angry with her it was so embarrassing it got to the stage where she was feigning a meltdown in a store so I walked away approached a member of staff & said maybe she ought to call the police as I didn’t think the woman was sane; I promptly left the store & moved my car to another area of the car park to watch & wait!! About an hour later my mother was led out of the store to a police car; we’ve not been in contact with each other since & I’ve no idea what actually happened after I left the store; I do know I’ve never laughed so hard or for so long as I did that day. My mil just acts like a child if she doesn’t get her own way she even speaks like one she annoyed me so much two years ago I said enough is enough I’m not doing this anymore I don’t need the hassle anymore got up & left I’ve not gone back since Dh visits her; it’s his mother after all but even he says she’s does his nut in so my lovely your father from being alone some mothers are just a pain in the arse selfish women but we are stronger & need to protect our children from this negative behaviour as it’s not normal. its sad desperate & so, so annoying

Please tell me you have a lovely xmas day planned for this year

That does sound frustrating, maybe your Mum struggles to cope and has forgotten the joy of simple traditional Christmas things in Children.
From now on, you do Christmas, invite her but say you’re doing it all. Maybe mention how sad it made everyone, but don’t overdo it as life’s too short x

I’m no Psychologist.
Has she always been this dizzy?
Is it early onset dementia?
Is it weaponised incompetence?
Whatever the answer is - do everything yourself. Then you know you’ll have a decent Christmas Dinner. Make sure she’s always included. She won’t be around forever.

Have a lovely Christmas!

The whole rocking horse incident was just so cruel

I would be glad she has never babysat for you I would be afraid to leave a child in her care.