To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

Not to derail the thread but.....

Can you tell us what happend?!?

Bore off.

Kids are allowed their own thoughts, feelings, opinions, and tastes.

I love strawberries but don’t like anything strawberry flavoured.

We all have quirky likes and dislikes and kids are no different.

it’s not indulgent to let kids have their own tastes.

I would be tempted to give her some tasks, you know she’ll fail at, so she doesn’t sabotage anything else.

maybe ask her to bring something “vital” and get it yourself to. On the day “oh it’s ok I found some”.

Omg OP - that update about the rocking horse is horrendous. What an unbelievably cruel thing to do to a child.

Shes getting a kick out of ruining things for you and by extension, your DD. You deserve some therapy to help you through this and your mother deserves to fuck off and ruin someone else’s life. NOT YOURS

I don't see the point in all the navel gazing about what could be the issue with OP's mother. Facts are facts - her behaviour over years has been atrocious. Does it matter whether or not there's a reason? Nothing is going to change.

You need to learn to deal with your own feelings @StillFumin - there's nothing you can do with her, other than work around her. Support and strategies to work around her would be helpful for you, if you choose to continue to allow her to be in your lives.

it does sound like she does it intentionally, for some reason or another

yanbu to make the christmas meal yourself
but tell her why

I wonder... do you think she ever bought the xmas dinner? This sounds a bit like she couldnt be bothered and had decided to lie about it and make up an excuse at the last minute.

Did you mean to quote me….?

I don’t understand what your response has to do with what I said?

Someone else (not you) said that food isn’t a big deal on Christmas Day. I was disagreeing with that, because it really is for most people. Including the OP.

I don't entirely disagree, but I think it's important to note that while you say "navel-gazing", other people say "understanding the dynamic of dysfunction" - which is one building block amongst others like the support & strategies you advise.

There's a difference between excessive, unproductive rumination, & long-sought revelations & insight. The thing is - it's hard to distinguish between the 2 until you've done 'The Work'.

I found it quite freeing to learn why my mother's (Borderline) motivations & 'reasoning' were never going to be something predictable or safe, compared with well-adjusted people. It released me from the endless intrusive, circular thoughts that contributed to chronic insomnia & boiled down to trying to find the perfect form of words which would finally "get through" to her.

Realising that there IS no "getting through" isn't as simple as just being told so.

People waste years - decades! - stuck in that frustrating cycle, & of course their attempts to understand, to reason, to communicate, are effectively just shooting themselves in the foot, because the ONLY thing the Cluster-B type takes from any of it is "oooh yummy, more tasty Supply as I feast on your pain."

Yes I would have been angry. Not now, an entire year later though.

Er ... trying to work it out @HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce - & probably, but not in the way you may be thinking - ie not having a pop at YOU.

I WAS having a pop at the virtue-signalling arse who was Sealioning OP about the xmas dinner, & how SHE was above such petty concerns as food on xmas day, as if that was the anything to do with the whole fucking thrust of OP's thread.

Sorry if I mis-tagged, or picked up the wrong post or whatever & gave you a start - genuinely not meant, as we appear to be on the same page about that poster.

Ah, apologies @KettrickenSmiled!

if you don’t, she blows up, bursts into tears, tells everyone how awful I was to her and continuously asks why everyone gets at her constantly.

Been there, done that, got all the T shirts and the windscreen sticker...and it's fucking glorious when you just no longer give a shit about the guilt tripping. Miraculously, once you stop being manipulated by the bullshit, it actually stops coming.

Don't do what they want you to do.

I’m so sorry, I nearly peed myself laughing at this 😂🤣😂🤣

I agree with all of this, it is freeing to understand this, if only because you stop believing that if only you somehow got it right it could all be better.

This is different from so many of the apologists on here though that seem to use armchair diagnoses as a kind of gotcha to the OP to roll over and put up with any kind of shit from her mother. Oh you have to understaaaand, it's not her, it's her (delete as appropriate) anxiety, ADHD, depression, whatever. So just suck it up and be more empaaaathic. While demonstrating zero empathy to the OP who's had to put up with this bollocks all her life.

Even in therapy, you start with the empathy and understanding for the client before trying to make sense of why the other person has behaved in that way. Otherwise, it's just forcing them to do what they've done all their lives, namely put their needs aside to understand the other.

I'm curious what posh stuffing is.

I do understand how disappointed you must have been although I never understand peoples stress over what effectively is a Sunday roast.
If she messes it up each year you may need to step in days leading up to it, give her a ring to remind her to take it out, buy things etc. Also my DM is elderly so would now be overwhelmed with cooking a big lunch when used to just cooking for herself, I wouldn't put her in that situation even if she insisted.

Plus diagnosing adhd for random and slightly odd behaviour is a bit excessive.

@crispsandnuts that's exactly what op did do? Called to check things were OK, anything needed done, had offered to host, all refused and day still went to shit. Hence the thread!!

Yes but in terms of regular years of disappointment, it was to be expected (or some variation of crap behaviour).
So limiting the amount of cock ups that can occur would only help by the op physically doing it/planning/cooking the majority herself. After so many years of Christmas days ruined since childhood I'd question why bother pandering to her attention.

She sounds very narcissistic so removing any element of potential disappointment is the option.

Because she's been trained to be that way. If you understand about narcissism, you should understand that children brought up by narcissists often feel powerless. They don't have the clear understanding of the dynamics that would be more obvious to people outside of the situation. That's why it often takes a lot of therapy to come out of the FOG.

Well I was married to one, however different if family/blood as I could escape.
Definitely therapy for OP as I'm sure it's more than just Christmas which gets ruined.

I'm curious what posh stuffing is.

Posh stuffing is stuffing made with extra ingredients such as pork or bacon, it can also have onions, cranberries or nuts in etc. it's often homemade. Not just regular stuffing out of a packet that you add boiling water to. People often do posh stuffing for Xmas or Easter.

Well, that's quite a drip feed, and very different from the picture you painted in your OP.

Look, if you had such bad parenting that you're still angry about a dinner a year later and a rocking horse decades on, you need some therapy, never mind her and her problems.

She does have problems though. She's almost certainly not in control of her behaviour. As a person who has a mother with NPD and a partner with ADHD, I recognise a lot of the various behaviour discussed here. Please believe me when I tell you that thinking of it as something she does "on purpose" or "for attention" is not a concept that will help you in the longer term. Lots of people here are stuck in a place of anger. My heartfelt advice is not to be one of them.

I recognise some of these traits in my MIL. Finally after years of fog we no longer see her, I put up with so much from her for years. But when we had children I couldn't allow her to fuck around with them the way she had my nephews.
The relief of not having to deal with her cruel bullshit is huge.

I think it was pretty obvious from the OP alone that this was about more than 1 Christmas dinner. I don’t see that as a drip feed at all.

Agreed! Despair at the people tying themselves in knots to excuse the shitty behaviour of this mother. Honestly.