To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

Also, your daughter is not you and her childhood can’t repair yours. Allow yourself to be a “ good enough” mother.

This. Exactly this. I was coming on here to say the same.

Sounds like you are being too kind really OP. I agree she is doing this deliberately to upset you.

People with Narcissistic traits will NEVER change and she is emotionally abusing you. End of

Fumin ... (tiptoes gently, clears throat) ... have you ever received any therapy?

No kneejerk reactions about whether you need to, please.
You really, really deserve to.

You're a blooming marvel btw. This isn't a suggestion to 'fix' you, it's a suggestion that you could feel a great deal more comfortable, confident, & in control, with some education & personal support about being the child of a pretty seriously dysfunctional parent.

I have some VERY messed up Cluster-B relatives (narcs, Borderline, child molestor ...). I would never have obtained the clarity & insight I now have without therapy.

Here's some resources to be going on with, at least -

outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Narcissists are brilliant at guilt tripping. It's a great way to manipulate someone.

Oh Gander - was it you who had the 'glamorous' aunt who acted out like an especially irritating Jilly Cooper character? I was looking for that post earlier but couldn't relocate it ...

Argh sorry posted too soon - meant to say in relation to Gander's comments above - therapy helped me a lot with residual, undeserved guilt. Thinking of OP feeling guilty about the bloody Barbie doll she didn't want ...

Big hint OP 😁

@TheKitchenWitch & all fellow survivors -

My Stepmother used to do this as a power play, we're now NC 11years.
Even down to sending me to a school with a different school's uniform.
It's testing what they can get away with putting you through.
Giving them that feeling that they have power and control over other people.

@KettrickenSmiled that wasn’t me, but I’ve come across these women though!

- THIS -

ADHD. Doesn't excuse shit christmasses though

Thank you, it does come with its own problems, I am obsessed with DD getting everything she wants and wearing the best clothes and having the best experiences - it works out expensive 😂 one thing I really am obsessive with is her school uniform. I’ve gone too far the other way and it does cause problems.

Hey, it's great to be realistic but don't be harsh to yourself.

You know what would really, really give DD the best experience?

A mum who invests in a narc-experienced therapist, diverting some cash away from "things" in order to provide "emotional intelligence" & "huge bags of wisdom" along with "learning from other's mistakes instead of perpetrating the reverse in an attempt to compensate."

Absolutely do not mean that to be received harshly OP, so if I have stung you I wholeheartedly apologise.

Listen up to the old Vipers with a few more decades experience & professional therapy under their belts, eh young Fumin? xx

When I read your OP I thought YABU because it seems over the top to still be angry about Christmas dinner last year. I also felt like you shouldn't have promised your daughter pigs in blankets and posh stuffing when you were going to someone else's house for dinner and therefore actually have no control over what is cooked. As well as that I couldn't really understand why you caved in when you know perfectly well that your Mum cocks things up.

Then I read the rest of it and it all became clear. This anger you are feeling is not about one cocked up Christmas dinner. It's about all the years of cocked up Christmas dinners. And also the horrible things she has done - such as the rocking horse and the school uniform. She has major issues. She seems to get a sick pleasure out of someone else's disappointment. Why else would she keep doing these things? The Christmas dinner was deliberate.
She wanted (for whatever reason) to disappoint your DD by not having the magical Christmas dinner she was excited about.

You must never let this happen again. No more dinners at your Mum's ever again. Don't promise your DD anything which is related to your Mum - eg. if she promises her a particular Christmas present. Just play it down immediately.

And I also would suggest therapy if you possibly can because this behaviour is awful and it sounds like you have a lot of anger locked up as result, and no wonder.

She's an absolute arsehole OP.

The examples from your childhood are just plain cruel. I'd tell her how shit she has made you feel and let her go crying to her audience.

Pigs in blankets are sausages !

This has been covered and the thread has moved on somewhat since then.

@Heartsofstone the op explained that it's typical childish food fickleness

She is cruel.
If you decide to go ahead with therapy and would like a recommendation I used an excellent online therapist who specialises in childhood trauma like yours. It’s given me a peace I didn’t expect. If it would be helpful, please just DM me. A look at the stately homes thread will also give you ongoing support

It does sound a lot like ADHD and the accompanying executive functioning difficulties. BUT the fact she must KNOW she does this and it impacts on her family so much, but chooses not to acknowledge or try to do anything about it is unforgivable IMO.

I have ADHD, I host every Christmas, I write more lists and set more alarms and reminders than you could shake a stick at.

my DS's Dad is like this, like he thinks it's adorable or something, or he's making an identity of being a dits. He just didn't take him to school one Monday claiming he thought it was the holidays, despite my DS telling him the holidays were the following week, and then the following week 'forgot' to collect him on the Friday so he was the last kid with the teacher and the school had to phone me to come get him.

We always have these 'misunderstandings' and when you say anything he acts like a scalded puppy, he pretends to be scared of me.

I never eat stuffing, can’t stand the sage and onion thing in a tin foil dish my dad serves week in week out. But last Christmas I saw something in the fridge in supermarkets, more like sausage meat. Was pork, cranberry and apple stuffing. Bloody amazing! We bought it as a test and I bought half a dozen a few days after Christmas and have got them out of freezer throughout year as an odd treat with a roast. Have now restocked as they’re back in the shops. I call it stuffing meatloaf!

I have a MIL who would do this and (despite it being your story and not something that has actually happened in my life) I am really getting increasingly frustrated imagining it. Eurgh why do they do these things?

No meal is worth staying angry about for a year, it's just food! But you clearly have issues with your mother which go far beyond this.

I agree, my DH’s grandmother and my grandmother were exactly the same. When their husbands died they expected their children to step in and continue to look after them and do everything. My MIL calls it Princess Syndrome. And yes I know not all women of that generation will be the same but I’ve seen it with quite a few friends grandmothers too.

@StillFumin - I’ve just read your latest posts. My heart breaks for you. My childhood was shite in a different way. What you said about how you treat your daughter really resonated with me. I get such a sense of pride that my child has his own room, with his own belongings, things I was never allowed, despite us having space. I am very keen for my child to feel a sense of ownership and for his feelings to be recognised. I have read a lot about breaking the cycle of abuse. I’d recommend some therapy to help build boundaries.