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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

599 replies

StillFumin · 18/12/2022 12:07

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

OP posts:
Endofmytether2020 · 18/12/2022 18:53

YABU. I once forgot to turn the oven on for the turkey (3 children under 5 at the time and zero sleep). I also had to cook Christmas dinner with a broken arm at my MIL's once because she had a "headache" on Christmas morning. Both occasions were fine and looked back on with humour. On the other hand if one of my children started whining about food when they were at a relatives house, they would be gently guided away from being so rude. Executive function can get worse with age, so careful about how you treat people who are struggling. I suspect I may have ADHD but I was much better at masking before kid related sleep deprivation, chronic illness brain fog and menopausal executive function deterioration set in. My DM is a lot worse than me and, yes, I do get quite frustrated with her, but hopefully I mostly treat her with the kindness that I hope my DC will show me. Another thing though, I'm not that bothered about material stuff or keeping up appearances, so I can't imagine losing my shit over a messed up Christmas dinner.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 18:54

she doesn’t sound like she has executive function issues. She sounds like she is an attention seeking arse.
😂😂😂

An entire 14 page thread summed up in 18 words. Nice one @TommyShelby

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 18:58

It sounds like ADHD.
It doesn't.
See many post from PP who are managing their ADHD.

I know you don’t want to hear this but count your blessings. You’ll miss even this daft behaviour when it’s gone.
She won't.
You might not want to hear this, but when a parent who has subjected their child to a lifetime of complicated, mindfucking dysfunction dies, that adult child usually has VERY mixed feelings about it.

Endofmytether2020 · 18/12/2022 18:58

Kennykenkencat · 18/12/2022 17:56

I saw the op and immediately thought ADHD.
It is not learned helplessness it is a brain that isn’t getting enough dopamine to areas of the brain that require dopamine.

I have done stuff similar to your dm

I have said I have done things because I didn’t want to have someone tell me off for not having done something and have every intention to do the task in the next 5 minutes but it will just disappear out of my head until the moment blind panic sets in when I realise I have missed the opportunity

I have made list after list, stuck post it notes on every surface but I just lose the list or look at it and be so bored I lose the ability to read or I walk past the post it notes. I just don’t see them.

Christmas dinner we gave up on years ago. Dh is the only one who eats meat and I refuse to have Christmas Pudding in the house. I have left stuffing in the oven and veg on the hob
I have forgotten roast potatoes that have been peeled and are sitting in the Pyrex dish and just not put in the oven

Presents are bought on Christmas Eve.
I used to buy them earlier but would lose them. This year with meds I thought I was going to be so organised and bought several presents as I saw them.
I can’t remember where I have put them so it looks like Christmas Eve will be a mad dash round the shops.

I have bought 3 pizzas for the price of 1 before now thinking I have 3 meals and what a bargain and ended up burning 2 of them

I have spent my life thinking I was so stupid and not capable or too lazy and leaving it all up to others because I would just stuff everything up.
Finding out it is a physical condition that I have been battling all my life was the happiest and saddest day all in one

Happiest because there were meds that might help, the meds stop me snacking and I have lost 4stone in weight and they keep me awake during the day where once I couldn’t keep my eyes open for more than a couple of hours. The saddest because of a wasted life trying to fit in and mask my personality to the point that I don’t know which bits of my personality is me and which is the mask and what others expect of me.

Your mother does sound like she has ADHD and from someone who has a life time of stuffing up and forgetting stuff you are faced with presenting 2 possible reactions . You can go with being overly apologetic and bursting into tears and making everything about you or laughing it off and hoping no body notices or isn’t that bothered and coming up with an alternative solution and people can move on and enjoy themselves.

I have this perfect Holiday/Christmas/Birthday/Evening or day out in my mind and I want to get it right for those I love. But it doesn’t ever go how it should go because I have forgotten something fundamental and I beat myself up in private for weeks after thinking why can’t I do what others can do

The stress I live with is through the roof when I have tried to arrange something.
I can only ever relax when it is over and nothing has gone wrong so I never enjoy the outing itself.

Oh gosh. You sound very like me. I totally sympathise. And I'm definitely going to try to make progress towards an ADHD diagnosis in the New Year. A childhood of being called (kindly) Professor Brainstorm or (unkindly) a messy slut made me hypervigilantly organised in my worklife but the wheels have definitely come off as I get older.

LozzaChops101 · 18/12/2022 19:01

My mum’s very like this. Recently (through wondering about myself) I’ve started wondering if she might have something like ADHD. She’s always been haphazard, chaotic and, it feels, completely thoughtless throughout life, and I think she only just about survived a career by having very structured days (school teacher).

I’d be pissed off if I were you, OP. Well done for taking the reins (and no nonsense!) this year!

ozymandiusking · 18/12/2022 19:04

Always have an Iceland Frozen Turkey Crown that can be cooked straight from the freezer. If you don't need it use it at Easter.

Pipsquiggle · 18/12/2022 19:05

Sounds extremely annoying as basically you can't rely on her for anything as she cocks it up consistently and repeatedly.

Original poster
StillFumin · 18/12/2022 19:06

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/12/2022 18:44

"Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved."

"She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!"

Serious question, not having a go at you. Why do you not tell her the truth? Instead of making excuses not to go, why not just say 'We're not coming because you always fuck up the meal and spoil the day'? Instead of saying 'no', why not just say 'yes I am, you promised and you let me down again and you let my daughter down'?

Seriously, why not just tell her she's pissed you off?

A lifetime of walking on egg shells because if you don’t, she blows up, bursts into tears, tells everyone how awful I was to her and continuously asks why everyone gets at her constantly. She’s always the victim. Even when I was little she would constantly guilt trip me. An example, I really wanted a rocking horse for Christmas, she kept saying she’d got me one so I was extremely excited. I would show her pictures of rocking horses and ask if it “was like that” and she’d say “it’s a bit like that, yes”. Come Christmas Day there are no rocking horse shaped presents, my heart sank. I asked where it was and she pointed to a largish present on the floor. Totally confused I opened it and it was a barbie with a horse. I’ve never played with barbies. I said “that’s not a rocking horse! I wanted one you could sit on!”

So she said I was so ungrateful and that had cost her so much money and she’d gone all over Manchester to find that and then she told all the family that I was crying about my presents as I was so ungrateful etc etc

First thing I got DD when she was old enough was a bloody rocking horse 😂

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 19:09

ozymandiusking · 18/12/2022 19:04

Always have an Iceland Frozen Turkey Crown that can be cooked straight from the freezer. If you don't need it use it at Easter.

What is this - Viz Top Tips? Where's the punchline?

DucklingDaisy · 18/12/2022 19:09

StillFumin · 18/12/2022 19:06

A lifetime of walking on egg shells because if you don’t, she blows up, bursts into tears, tells everyone how awful I was to her and continuously asks why everyone gets at her constantly. She’s always the victim. Even when I was little she would constantly guilt trip me. An example, I really wanted a rocking horse for Christmas, she kept saying she’d got me one so I was extremely excited. I would show her pictures of rocking horses and ask if it “was like that” and she’d say “it’s a bit like that, yes”. Come Christmas Day there are no rocking horse shaped presents, my heart sank. I asked where it was and she pointed to a largish present on the floor. Totally confused I opened it and it was a barbie with a horse. I’ve never played with barbies. I said “that’s not a rocking horse! I wanted one you could sit on!”

So she said I was so ungrateful and that had cost her so much money and she’d gone all over Manchester to find that and then she told all the family that I was crying about my presents as I was so ungrateful etc etc

First thing I got DD when she was old enough was a bloody rocking horse 😂

Show quote history

This isn't fucking ADHD.

Please ignore the posters trying to convince you her behaviour is acceptable or that you're wrong to be upset. It seems sick to me that they're doing it.

TheGander · 18/12/2022 19:09

Sorry haven’t RTWT but did she ever work? Or does she believe she needs to be “ looked after” and has learnt helplessness. I had an aunt a bit like that. She was from a generation where women just needed to be pretty , bag a husband and never work. When her husband left her she was forever looking for someone else to take care of her. Sad thing is she had real abilities but never valued them.

Endofmytether2020 · 18/12/2022 19:10

StillFumin · 18/12/2022 19:06

A lifetime of walking on egg shells because if you don’t, she blows up, bursts into tears, tells everyone how awful I was to her and continuously asks why everyone gets at her constantly. She’s always the victim. Even when I was little she would constantly guilt trip me. An example, I really wanted a rocking horse for Christmas, she kept saying she’d got me one so I was extremely excited. I would show her pictures of rocking horses and ask if it “was like that” and she’d say “it’s a bit like that, yes”. Come Christmas Day there are no rocking horse shaped presents, my heart sank. I asked where it was and she pointed to a largish present on the floor. Totally confused I opened it and it was a barbie with a horse. I’ve never played with barbies. I said “that’s not a rocking horse! I wanted one you could sit on!”

So she said I was so ungrateful and that had cost her so much money and she’d gone all over Manchester to find that and then she told all the family that I was crying about my presents as I was so ungrateful etc etc

First thing I got DD when she was old enough was a bloody rocking horse 😂

Show quote history

Ok, that last story is really sad and unacceptable of your mother.

DucklingDaisy · 18/12/2022 19:11

The rocking horse and school uniform 'mistakes' during your childhood are enough to paint a very clear picture.

Original poster
StillFumin · 18/12/2022 19:13

TheGander · 18/12/2022 19:09

Sorry haven’t RTWT but did she ever work? Or does she believe she needs to be “ looked after” and has learnt helplessness. I had an aunt a bit like that. She was from a generation where women just needed to be pretty , bag a husband and never work. When her husband left her she was forever looking for someone else to take care of her. Sad thing is she had real abilities but never valued them.

My mum was exactly the same, when she got divorced from my dad her sole purpose in life was to marry someone else. It didn’t matter who it was. Constant awful boyfriends

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 19:13

Fucksake OP (rocking horse).

That is not ADHD. That is some seriously fucked up Cluster-B type shit.

OTOH, am so happy about your own rocking horse acquisition for DD. 😍
Don't mean to patronise, but you have done brilliantly surviving a lifetime of this shit & making a conscious stand about not handing it on to your child.

Original poster
StillFumin · 18/12/2022 19:14

DucklingDaisy · 18/12/2022 19:11

The rocking horse and school uniform 'mistakes' during your childhood are enough to paint a very clear picture.

And would you believe I still feel guilty for not liking that fucking barbie.

A psychologist would have a field day with me 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
StillFumin · 18/12/2022 19:16

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 19:13

Fucksake OP (rocking horse).

That is not ADHD. That is some seriously fucked up Cluster-B type shit.

OTOH, am so happy about your own rocking horse acquisition for DD. 😍
Don't mean to patronise, but you have done brilliantly surviving a lifetime of this shit & making a conscious stand about not handing it on to your child.

Thank you, it does come with its own problems, I am obsessed with DD getting everything she wants and wearing the best clothes and having the best experiences - it works out expensive 😂 one thing I really am obsessive with is her school uniform. I’ve gone too far the other way and it does cause problems.

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 18/12/2022 19:20

Based on your updates:

  1. Get thee to a therapist
  2. Get thee to the Stately Homes thread that others have mentioned
Jux · 18/12/2022 19:20

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2022 12:35

It’s very strange.. It sounds like there is some poor executive function which could be something like ADD, but I guessing there’s some more complex psychological stuff as well.

Anyway, for your and your DDs sake you need to let it go or you will put a dampener on Christmas Day.

Go and see her early this week if you can, or ring if you can’t, and tell her that you are still annoyed about last year and you realise that’s because it’s the culmination of years of this learned incompetence that impacts on other people (3 key examples).

You aren’t going to put up with it anymore. No one finds it funny or appealing. If she says she’s going to do something she needs to do it.

And then go. No discussion, you are just saying your piece.

In reality you aren’t going to give her any responsibility any more, so it’s irrelevant, but it allows you to say what you need to say, and might have the side effect of improving her in small things.

This, do this.

TheKitchenWitch · 18/12/2022 19:20

My heart is breaking a bit for you, OP, after the school uniform and rocking horse posts.
Of course it's not fucking ADHD. Some people are just arseholes.

TheGander · 18/12/2022 19:20

I’m to surprised about the awful boyfriends, sadly this neediness in women tends to attract predatory, exploitative and generally inadequate men, especially past a certain age. I’m all for trying to work through problems and being kind to older relatives, but in your case I think the resentment is totally justified. I’ve seen the damage the aunt I mentioned above did to my cousins. You have every right now to go into self preservation mode, anticipate cock ups and manage situations to suit you best. Try not to feel guilty, although I know that’s hard.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 19:20

So she said I was so ungrateful and that had cost her so much money and she’d gone all over Manchester to find that and then she told all the family that I was crying about my presents as I was so ungrateful etc etc

With form like that for triangulating young kids, it's small wonder she insisted on hosting the non-dinner for you last year. She knew it would fuck you up to see DD upset, & DD's upset meant nothing to her but more Supply.
psychopathsinlife.com/what-happens-when-a-narcissist-loses-their-supply/

Darthwazette · 18/12/2022 19:22

Missing the point and not read the whole thread but why did DD want pigs in blankets if she dislikes sausages?

AdventFridgeOfShame · 18/12/2022 19:22

It is a common problem, going too far the other way.

Before DD has a chance flip it back again and become your DM, try and get some sort of therapy.

Right now, tighten those boundaries and have the Christmas you want.

TheKitchenWitch · 18/12/2022 19:22

@KettrickenSmiled that's it exactly - DH's mum (who we are NC with) is a narcissist and pulls shit like that. Now that we're not around any more, she's moved on to fresh supply.

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