To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

Easy, effortless, unconfirmable sanctimony.

Just another way of sneering down one's nose at someone with a genuine problem, because it's easier to distance yourself than empathise.

I saw the op and immediately thought ADHD.
It is not learned helplessness it is a brain that isn’t getting enough dopamine to areas of the brain that require dopamine.

I have done stuff similar to your dm

I have said I have done things because I didn’t want to have someone tell me off for not having done something and have every intention to do the task in the next 5 minutes but it will just disappear out of my head until the moment blind panic sets in when I realise I have missed the opportunity

I have made list after list, stuck post it notes on every surface but I just lose the list or look at it and be so bored I lose the ability to read or I walk past the post it notes. I just don’t see them.

Christmas dinner we gave up on years ago. Dh is the only one who eats meat and I refuse to have Christmas Pudding in the house. I have left stuffing in the oven and veg on the hob
I have forgotten roast potatoes that have been peeled and are sitting in the Pyrex dish and just not put in the oven

Presents are bought on Christmas Eve.
I used to buy them earlier but would lose them. This year with meds I thought I was going to be so organised and bought several presents as I saw them.
I can’t remember where I have put them so it looks like Christmas Eve will be a mad dash round the shops.

I have bought 3 pizzas for the price of 1 before now thinking I have 3 meals and what a bargain and ended up burning 2 of them

I have spent my life thinking I was so stupid and not capable or too lazy and leaving it all up to others because I would just stuff everything up.
Finding out it is a physical condition that I have been battling all my life was the happiest and saddest day all in one

Happiest because there were meds that might help, the meds stop me snacking and I have lost 4stone in weight and they keep me awake during the day where once I couldn’t keep my eyes open for more than a couple of hours. The saddest because of a wasted life trying to fit in and mask my personality to the point that I don’t know which bits of my personality is me and which is the mask and what others expect of me.

Your mother does sound like she has ADHD and from someone who has a life time of stuffing up and forgetting stuff you are faced with presenting 2 possible reactions . You can go with being overly apologetic and bursting into tears and making everything about you or laughing it off and hoping no body notices or isn’t that bothered and coming up with an alternative solution and people can move on and enjoy themselves.

I have this perfect Holiday/Christmas/Birthday/Evening or day out in my mind and I want to get it right for those I love. But it doesn’t ever go how it should go because I have forgotten something fundamental and I beat myself up in private for weeks after thinking why can’t I do what others can do

The stress I live with is through the roof when I have tried to arrange something.
I can only ever relax when it is over and nothing has gone wrong so I never enjoy the outing itself.

😂👏

Imo this doesn't sound like ADHD (which I have) but narcissistic parenting. It's a way of getting attention and becoming the victim, while also ruining your day.

@Kennykenkencat but would you guilt trip someone into an event that you knew you couldn't deliver, even after they'd offered you a better alternative option? When you knew it was important to them and that there was a really good chance something big would go wrong?

I get you op. And I don't think yabu.

Personally, if I was in your shoes I wouldn't invite her over on Christmas Day - it will just give her another way to be like "oh I'm such a dizzy person, I don't know how you managed"... and turn your Christmas lunch into being about her mess up.

Does she manage to cook other meals?

My mum, who I love dearly, does the helpless act well. Not for cooking but just day to day life. I'm sure it's her way of not having to be a grown up and it's very draining to be around for any length of time

Sounds like she gets overwhelmed and forgets to do some of it. I usually forget something. This year I have ordered everything pre prepared weeks ago from Tesco. So I can just bang it in the oven.

I genuinely couldn't give the slightest toss what we eat on Christmas Day, so long as we're with the right people.

If the OP has an issue with her DM's behaviour then that's obviously a separate and bigger issue, but to still be filled with rage over a roast dinner a year later is absurd and a red herring.

Of course not.
Kenny has self-awareness & gives a shit about others, so has taken what steps she could to mitigate the effects of her condition.
e.g. Christmas dinner we gave up on years ago

@Kennykenkencat I am glad you finally got a diagnosis, as that mean access to support & help. Pleased the meds seem to have helped a bit, & hope you are able to achieve at least a more stable balance that helps you focus & prioritise without beating yourself up for the 'crime' of being ND.

You sound very, very unlike OP's mother.
YOU are focused on why you have task-difficulties (apologies am NT & ignorant of correct terminology).
OP's MUM is focused on being the 'ditzy' 'hilarious' centre of attention, & has no genuine contrition for how she inconveniences & upsets other people.

FFS she's not filled with rage about a dinner, that is so clearly a metaphor, not a red herring.
Not that OP's mum could cook a herring, if anyone was depending on it. Bet she manages perfectly well without an audience though.

OP's filled with rage about a lifetime of deliberate sabotage of special events, including her first day of school, when she had to endure the embarrassment & sore-thumb-sticking-outness of being the only kid in the wrong colour uniform.

And she has every right to be.

It's hard to understand how you can't see it's all about a longstanding pattern of behaviour, not a one-off incident.

She sounds incredibly annoying. My MIL was a bit like this. She was a lovely woman but so so disorganised and untogether sometimes. I feel awful saying that but it would drive me nuts especially when I'd double triple checked things with her first. My sister in law used to loose the plot with her because one of her DC has serious allergies and MIL could not remember ever. I suspect she maybe had ADHD, maybe something else. It went beyond normal ditziness.

The good news is you are doing Christmas on your terms this year. Just keep her out the kitchen for your own sanity!

I've put yabu, not because you were mad at the time, rightly so. Just because it would be better to move on, and do as your doing by not going to hers.

@KettrickenSmiled I've got no idea why you're so riled up on the OP's behalf about this, but the literal title of the thread is 'AIBU to still be annoyed at my Mum about Christmas Dinner' and the answer to that is YES YABU, because it's was a meal, a year ago.

If the question was 'AIBU to still be annoyed at my Mum for this recurring pattern of behaviour' then then my answer would be different.

It’s Christmas, it’s your Mum. Enjoy the day.

She has blown it. Never let her cook Christmas dinner for you again. Deliberate sabotage is just terrible.

Well if you are only going to respond to thread TITLES rather than actual CONTENT, of course you are not going to understand, let alone be capable of addressing, the nuances.

Thanks for clearing that up though.

PS many of us are riled up on OP's behalf. Do you really, truly have no idea why that might be? Is it a a comprehension leap too far?

A whole year later? Let it go.

With the number of times she’d disappointed you in the past, I’m surprised you trusted she’d get everything in tbh. I’d have bought my own stuff and used it for New Year’s Day, if not needed.

It’s just Asda’s extra special 😂 she’s only little, that’s posh for us (normally we get paxo)

I hear and understand your fury! On one hand it’s just a meal, but it’s not. Do it properly or let someone else do it. MIL and her now deceased husband had form for this and I used to think from him it was a form of attention seeking and control. Insisting on cooking then fucking things up so badly they were inedible but we were required to sit there and say how delicious it was. 🤐

Zipping your mouth is particularly hard for my 2nd DD who would keep whispering “where is the xxxx?” Or “why is xxxx black?”. We do it all ourself now. Only way to guarantee it is the way you want it and guarantee the celebrations.

"Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved."

"She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!"

Serious question, not having a go at you. Why do you not tell her the truth? Instead of making excuses not to go, why not just say 'We're not coming because you always fuck up the meal and spoil the day'? Instead of saying 'no', why not just say 'yes I am, you promised and you let me down again and you let my daughter down'?

Seriously, why not just tell her she's pissed you off?

Even taking into account executive function issues - this is still a shit way to behave.

I have ADHD. My executive function is dreadful. However, I know this. My friends know this. If I say I’m going to do something, they and I know that I must do it ASAP to prevent mishaps becauSe I would be mortified if I let someone down like this.

she doesn’t sound like she has executive function issues. She sounds like she is an attention seeking arse.

It sounds like ADHD.

I know you don’t want to hear this but count your blessings. You’ll miss even this daft behaviour when it’s gone.

Tell her or forgot about it

This is so obviously about control, and it’s absolutely sickening to see other women sidetrack and gaslight you to the extent that is going on on this thread.

Christmas dinner isn’t a big deal! I couldn’t get worked up over this!

Why will your DD eat a pig in blanket but not a sausage?

It’s your fault for encouraging your DD to get excited about Christmas at her grandmothers.

If this was your DH you would NEVER have posters telling you you were being ungrateful, or that it’s your responsibility to ensure he makes an appointment with his doctor. Or, better yet, that you should be lucky that your DH is still alive!

Fucking hell.