To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

I'm going against the grain about telling her you're mad about last Christmas. She's just attention seeking. She's got major problems. Who buys their DC the wrong colour uniform?
She sounds fairly abusive tbh. You do well not to be fucked up OP.
I'd be NC or at least LC with her if it were me.

Have you ever tried asking her to seek help OP? Her reaction might be quite telling as to whether it's a deep seated fear based problem she wants help with (learned helplessness, dependant / avoident PD) or a problem she has no intention of changing as she enjoys being the centre of attention.

I have ADHD - properly diagnosed and everything and whilst I might forget things and be late way more often than I would ever admit… I hate it. I do my upmost to ensure the adhd doesn’t win so I don’t piss people off. It doesn’t always go to plan, but I never let people down…. (well hardly ever) and wouldn’t dream of not cooking dinner that I had confirmed I would.

Your mother OP is behaving awfully. I can’t stand this victim mentality- go grey rock….she will never improve.

Also does she do this regularly to other people?

That level of grudge is life-affirming. Respect.

I not surprised your still annoyed at your mother - I'm annoyed by her and I've never even met her! She sounds a deeply annoying person. (No doubt some poster will chirp up to say being annoying is a recognised disorder and you should be endlessly sympathetic and accommodating whilst burying your own needs forever yada yada).

No it isn't.

So you say so. The OP offered to help.

There's no excuse. None

This is very relatable - my mum is the same. I loved being cooked for, but she has a lot of eccentricities around food and most times, dislikes/ed both being presented with someone's nice meal, or being expected to prepare it (whether this was unremarkable week night dinner, or something special). She can do it but has major resistance when it comes to preparing or prioritising anything, and will semi-subconsciously sabotage on occasion.

You wanted to do something special for your DD; I suspect she will have talked herself round from a benchmark that put her own views on food at the centre, and allowed for a lot of woolly dithering - 'Oh, it's too much trouble...there's no point thawing anything now...'

I really sounds like it’s somewhat for attention. Sort of like she’s started and now can’t stop is getting progressively worse. Maybe linked to undiagnosed mild autism?

My own mother is a huge attention seeker in different ways, we have had conversations with her in the past about things she has done and she actively tries not to anymore (example calling me when I had a 2 month old baby who was born 4 weeks early crying that she has cancer, I drove 230 miles to find out it was 99% probable to be a fibroid and it was exactly that).

I think it would be a good idea to have a sit down with your mum and tell her how you feel about some of the past incidents. Try and get to the bottom of what’s going on.

Some people don’t do Mass. Childless people don’t maybe get overwrought re presents. Don’t know why you’re being so obtuse.

How frustrating. It must feel like she doesn't care enough to do things properly for you and DD
The buying the wrong colour uniform sounds deliberate and hurtful
I'm sorry OP

I agree, but adult children of dysfunctional parents need to take their own time to get to "meh", preferably with a lot of self-help education or counselling along the way.

Which reminds me! - OP, has anyone directed you the the "But We Took You To Stately Homes!" threads? Full of adult survivors of crap parenting & disordered family backgrounds. You might find it supportive & soothing. x

I’m still annoyed with my mum for doing Xmas dinner without roast potatoes in 1991 so I’d definitely be taking over from yours!

I suspect there is a whole lot in life that you don't understand

I couldn’t trust her again. Would never ever go to hers for Christmas again. Something is wrong with her. From now on, I’d make sure any visits to her are not told to her in advance, because she finds a way to sabotage you and everybody else. Personally I would keep those visits to a minimum and not allow any more sabotaging. What a bizarre person she is.

Yeah YANBU my mum was similar we'd drive 1 hour to hers for dinner, that she invited us to then when we got there it was Oh its burnt, stupid oven etc.
We'd always have to then pay for a take away. So frustrating. I don't see my mother any more. 4 years and I've never felt more happier

This doesn’t sound like ADHD to me. From my experience people with ADHD would have thought “Fuucck!” as soon as you mentioned defrosting on the phone, and put post it notes everywhere to ensure they remembered to defrost. They also might not have pressed and pressed you to come for dinner when they knew they have repeatedly had trouble delivering and if they didn’t defrost, have been really really apologetic, letting you know before and maybe offering to take you for a meal. Granted, everyone’s different, but this reads more as an odd control thing to me.

Do you really? I only know what I've read in the OP's posts and I am thanking my lucky stars I'm not related to her mother. Did you read the post about the school uniform? Unforgivable. No way would I be pandering to the narcissism of someone who could behave like that by saying 'You deserve a rest'.

This is a good observation. It's similar to how my mum passive aggressively heads off any criticisms of similar let downs.

She either makes a big deal about the failure, forcing everyone to molify her, or or she loudly insists that the crappy alternative is just as good or better - again, forcing good-mannered people to kindly agree (as you would if it were a one off, genuine mistake).

Any thought on Covert Narcs traits re: your mother @thecatsthecats?

My sister is much the same.
Huge, performative, exhausting blow by blow accounts of how she tried this, but that went wrong, so it's usualy good, but might not taste like Auntie Mary's, I've practised the recipe 17 times now, I hope you like it, oh this is delicious, it IS delicious isn't it everyone, do you like it, no need to eat it if you don't like it, I wont be upset ..."

It's hard to describe, but kind of like a Waif Act, masking a steely resolve to have everything in the goddamed world be about her.
And if she drops the Waif Act, you;d better watch out. 48 hours minimum of Narcissistic Rage. Not content until her entire household is as upset & wracked with uncomfortable emotion as she is.

Once she's past the Narc Rage, the lifelong holding on to yet another seething resentment can commence. Fun times!

Oh FGS. I don't mean they have literally used the exact words 'wind' 'your' 'neck' and 'in'. I mean that multiple posters have replied disagreeing with you quite robustly. With the fairly clear subtext that you should wind your neck in.

ANYWAY. I get it OP. It's clear from your posts that this is only partly about the Christmas dinner. As others have said, it's about the fact that your mum has been telling you your whole life, in various ways, that your needs are less important to her than maintaining this 'ditzy' persona of hers.

Would I be right in thinking that this message was further reinforced by her repackaging your childhood disappointments as 'hilarious' anecdotes starring her? Even after you tried to tell her how you felt?

IMO it's irrelevant whether she has ADHD. Even if she does, it was entirely within her ability to say 'You know what, I can see that this matters to you so we won't make it all about me for once, especially with my track record of fucking everything up'. A decent parent would have no issue with that. Instead, she guilt-tripped you into yet another disappointment, and this time she got your daughter too.

The silver lining is that now you know, and you can hold that Christmas up as the definitive reason why she doesn't get any more chances to fuck up things that matter to you.

I was just about to say this ^. The only person you are hurting by carrying forward your grievance is you. Maybe when she asks if you are still annoyed, say, "I was angry at the time, and DD was very disappointed but it's a year ago, and I will be doing Christmas dinner from now on". That shuts everything down.

Oh, that's GOOD.
Equal parts assertiveness & Grey Rock.

Your mum does it on purpose op. Why? I don't know but it's definitely not accidental. Whether it's a form of control or for attention or just plain stupidity who knows. But To have not phoned you before you left the house to tell you she'd forgotten to take the turkey out was spiteful. She knew her grandchild was looking forward to Xmas lunch. Don't let her ruin your child's memories of Xmas op. Take control every year and do your own lunch.

😂This reads like a DIY joke kit, where you have to supply your own components like "Carrie Antoinette" or "on the antique horsehair sofa" ...

I know someone like this. Always has to be a drama, based around their forgetfulness/ attention seeking/incompetence/lack of care. Every Christmas has to involve some sort of disaster, always avoidable. Glad I'm not involved anymore.

Surely you're just being deliberately provocative now. The UK may be nominally a Christian country but the vast majority of the population either follow a different religion, or they are nominally Protestant but not Catholic or High Anglican*, or they are agnostic/atheist. Some people go to Midnight Mass or a religious service on Christmas Day. Most of us don't.

Christmas has a name that suggests it's a Christian holiday but in practice for most of the UK population it's a secular holiday giving us a much needed break in the darkest, coldest time of year when we can recharge our batteries and get together with families and friends. Feasting is a normal part of such get togethers. Yule, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, the Winter Solstice, Bacchanalia, New Year/Hogmanay - there's a reasons so many cultures in the Northern Hemisphere have a holiday at this time of year. Then we move into January and gird our loins, grit our teeth etc to get through the last few weeks of winter until the first signs of spring turn up.

*i.e. the branches of Christianity which use the term 'Mass' - none of the nonconformist churches would use this word. Methodist, Baptist, URC, Presbyterian (Church of Scotland, Free Church of Scotland etc), Quakers and probably many others.

I'm sure she's lovely but that is unforgivable. I'm annoyed with her too.