To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

Yes this! There may even be underlying things that originally mad either hard for her. But she's chosen to revel in the chaos she causes instead of trying to fix it.

Hence my Covert Narc notion OP.

It IS only a notion - what do I know? - but one way of spotting it is a pattern of behaviour where the person draws excessive attention to themselves with a "oh, look at silly little me" act.

People associate narcissism with grandiosity, but the Covert version presents differently. You'll know it when you see it - something feels 'off', fake, performative. Micro-expressions fail to match stated intent. Once you've identified & spotted the pattern, you don't unsee it - so while it's a hard lesson to learn at the hands of a close relative, it's a useful one for protecting yourself going forward.

Some coping strategies in the links in post upthread.
They'll be useful to you whether I'm utterly wrong or not - you only need concern yourself with behaviours, & how you respond to them, not 'diagnosis' & getting caught up in "but whhhhhyyyyy?"

Good luck!

This definitely sounds deliberate on some level. I'd still be furious too. And I would never be going there for Christmas dinner again!

my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

This wording is so telling.

Of course you’ll believe what she’s done.

You we’re predicting it from the outset. It’s why you didn’t want to go. And it’s why you were checking up on her in the days and weeks leading up to Christmas.

It was the least surprising, most believable thing ever.

I imagine truth-telling to OP's mum only results in performative breast-beating & self-centred bullshit, so OP takes the easy option & pretends all is ok.

It's not like saying "this has REALLY pissed me off" is going to stop her from acting out. She's been doing it for decades. I'm not convinced by the ADHD theory - she's never embarrassed by or sorry about her engineered fuck-ups: she seems to revel in them.

This is really narcissistic behaviour. It’s almost intentional to spoil Xmas for you all.

The DARVO is strong in this one.

www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Is she disorganised in everything she does? Clumsy struggles with time keeping? I have a friend like this who was told years ago she had dispraxia. She buried her head over that and carried on.
If it was my mum I would admit I have children it’s about their day. From now on she comes to you! Tell her why your annoyed. She may learn from it! Or buy a fresh turkey!

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference.

I wonder if she will be "unavoidably late" or "forgot to fill up on petrol" or "you'll never guess what, I forgot to pack my overnight bag/your presents/my return train ticket" ...

Gird your loins OP.

Yes. This is far bigger than Xmas dinner, by the sound of it!

OP, I'm really sorry, this sounds horrible. Given that she's always done it, I imagine it's potentially going to be difficult to break the cycle.

Have you had any counselling/therapy? How are you with setting boundaries?

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference.

This sounds like a healthy way to deal with it, OP, and you sound pretty balanced, considering all the fuckery. I hope you and your DD have a lovely Xmas.

I feel genuinely sorry for your mum. She obviously has difficulty bringing it all together and catering for multiple people and when you’re used to just cooking for one, it isn’t always easy.

Rather than be cross with her, be kind and just say ‘it’s ok mum, you come to us and I’ll make us Christmas dinner - you deserve a rest’ etc.

This is a good observation. It's similar to how my mum passive aggressively heads off any criticisms of similar let downs.

She either makes a big deal about the failure, forcing everyone to molify her, or or she loudly insists that the crappy alternative is just as good or better - again, forcing good-mannered people to kindly agree (as you would if it were a one off, genuine mistake).

But I do slightly agree with PP that although OP wasn't at fault for her mum's behaviour, it could have been better handled.

My husband and I bring a few extras and ramp down our expectations of food, and if something really matters to us, we sort it ourselves.

I doesn’t need to be some big wailing and gnashing of teeth affair.

Are you still mad at me? <shrug> Yes, I am. Where are the biscuits? Just because Mum thrives on the drama, doesn’t mean OP needs to feed it.

Saying ‘no’ is just so self-defeating.

My DH has dyspraxia. It affects him quite profoundly but as he has matured he has developed coping mechanisms. He is also quite embarrassed when it all goes a bit wrong but I reassure him because I genuinely know he tried and it isn’t consistent. He also does everything he can to get it right when it comes to our child.

Op’s Mum may well have dyspraxia or ADD or ADHD but that doesn’t excuse her reaction to her behaviour to how she allows it to affect OP and her daughter. You can be ND and a dick, they aren’t mutually exclusive.

No it isn't.

ywbvu to have caved and agreed to go - you knew exactly what she is like. you knew something like this would happen.

ywbvu to not talk with her honestly when she asked if you were still annoyed at you. "mum I love you dearly and I love spending Christmas with you but after all the disasters over the years I have to insist that I am in charge of cooking the Christmas meal from now on. I can't risk being offered sausages and mash for Christmas lunch again."

yanbu to be annoyed but you have to accept that you have brought it on yourself by not being more assertive in the first place.

I think it's time to let it go. There's just no reason to hold on to this anger about it, it's not affecting anyone but you.

You're doing Christmas this year so hopefully you ll have it all under control. Put it behind you and move on. I'm sure in years to come you'll laugh about it.

Look up weaponised incompetence.

Also, I do hope you're not even considering the idea of going to hers again this Christmas?! Don't fall for it again. Let her come to you.

It’s in the OP.

Who said anything about fault? This is AIBU, and I think the OP is being unreasonable. Her mother has let her down all her life and is not going to change. And pondered?

I was just about to say this ^. The only person you are hurting by carrying forward your grievance is you. Maybe when she asks if you are still annoyed, say, "I was angry at the time, and DD was very disappointed but it's a year ago, and I will be doing Christmas dinner from now on". That shuts everything down.

Clearly it's a bigger issue than just Christmas dinner though and maybe some therapy would help you to deal with her?

Having said that, as I've got older, I've found myself doing so many stupid things that my younger self just wouldn't have. I do make lists though to help me, so I would never do something like this, and anyway I always buy a fresh turkey.

Do yourself a favour, and let it go. Have a lovely Christmas x

PS I want to know what "posh stuffing" is because I think I might like some??!

So you think it's the main event - but after presents and Mass? So it's not the main event?

For heaven’s sake.

The meal is a key part of a Christmas Day. Why are people pretending otherwise?