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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend wont discuss my concerns

111 replies

Cassie077 · 18/12/2022 11:49

Very good friend has been deflecting for many many months when I asked to spend time with her. I feel
hurt. When I told her this she respectfully had to hang up the phone. We have had times in the past we have tried to discuss and they went soso. She always thought things were mostly my fault and so about never apologized. I did. The discussions she felt upset by. At times I would feel more intense or emotional and yet I was hurting. I apologized if something was off. She seemed to think expressing feelings meant arguments. She saw me struggling and suffering for months on end as I tried to guess why she stepped back so far. Which I kept trying to talk about. She was a great helpful friend. I just couldnt have no communication on things I needed to discuss. Even if no change in the outcome. Now I am still sitting with no change on outcome after telling her this. And now without my friend as if there is no chance for us to discuss anymore. She wasnt protecting me. I needed discussion on this. I hate myself now. And am extremely depressed. I know I said the friendship couldnt continue but I said “with” lack of communication. I told her I needed her half to solve. She hasnt gotten back with me. Do I try contacting her again? Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by no discussing and not being okay with her spending personal time with me? We saw eachother at a hobby. And she has helped with many things. I wanted 1-1 time to just sit and talk. Though we did talk on phone daily. Am I being unreasonable that I have felt I need to cut ties?

OP posts:
dudsville · 18/12/2022 11:51

I don't think any relationship should be so hard.

FlorettaB · 18/12/2022 11:56

You sound incredibly intense and everything you’ve said is focused on you and your needs.

jeaux90 · 18/12/2022 11:56

Honestly this friendship sounds too hard.

She is your friend not your support human. Take a step back and leave it for a while.

Sage396 · 18/12/2022 11:59

That sounds quite intense for a friendship. I don't have any friends I regularly (or ever to be honest) have arguments with. I've stepped back from a friendship before when it became emotionally exhausting; maybe she's doing the same. I think it's time to back off and if the friendship doesn't recover then that's okay - that happens sometimes.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/12/2022 12:03

What were the issues you felt compelled to discuss with her?

BeyondMyWits · 18/12/2022 12:03

Friendship is one of life's great joys. It really shouldn't be this hard.

She does not want to discuss whatever it is, and is prepared to withdraw from your friendship if you don't stop trying to.

You have to decide if it is worth it.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 18/12/2022 12:05

This sounds waaaay too intense for a romantic relationship let alone a friendship

SomethingOriginal2 · 18/12/2022 12:05

Sorry you sound very high maintenance. You talk daily on the phone? And you want more? I think you're emotionally draining her and she's had to step back.

Luana1 · 18/12/2022 12:07

Leave her alone OP, sounds like she has made it clear she wants distance, you are not entitled her friendship.

Whattodo182 · 18/12/2022 12:08

You sound exhausting.

Get a therapist and take the hint that your poor friend can't handle this level of intense.

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2022 12:10

This is all very teenage. She isn’t your therapist. Get a counsellor if you want this kind of 121.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 18/12/2022 12:11

You spoke daily and still had a go at her for not spending time with you?

Now you have said you wish to cut ties with her if she doesn't spend more time on you and she has leapt at the chance.

She did a lot for you by the sound of it, and instead of thanking her you've criticised her for not doing more.

Being this fixated on one friendship, and expecting this much emotional support from one person isn't normal op.

Alibabasonethief · 18/12/2022 12:14

Sage396 · 18/12/2022 11:59

That sounds quite intense for a friendship. I don't have any friends I regularly (or ever to be honest) have arguments with. I've stepped back from a friendship before when it became emotionally exhausting; maybe she's doing the same. I think it's time to back off and if the friendship doesn't recover then that's okay - that happens sometimes.

Yes this. I don’t mean this harshly but everyone’s emotions are their own to deal with. If someone is treating you in a way that is not meeting your needs it is up to you to 1) try to fix it which you did but then 2) accept the reality that it can’t be fixed and put boundaries in place to protect your mental well being.

Your friend is persistently putting emotional boundaries in with you which you are failing to recognise. She cannot do what you need from her and you need to address these issues elsewhere. Your response to this to me suggests that you have had experiences of this in the past that this situation is triggering it might be worth exploring that with a therapist.

MadameMinimes · 18/12/2022 12:15

I think you just need to accept that the friendship has come to an end. You gave an ultimatum and said that you couldn’t continue the friendship unless she agreed to change. She has clearly decided that she’d rather let the friendship end than fit in with what you wanted.
It’s time to move on. I mean this gently but you sound very intense and she possibly found it all a bit much.

Remona · 18/12/2022 12:16

Sometimes the more we push, the more people resist.

Let it go. She’s made it crystal clear that she doesn’t want to discuss this and you are making matters worse by forcing the issue. Small wonder she has taken a step back.

Not everything in life needs to be analysed to within an inch of its life.

Bigdamnheroes · 18/12/2022 12:17

You sound bloody hard work and the friendship very one sided.

It's all about what you need, not what she needs, which, from the sounds of it, is to move on from this bullshit, not keep dragging it up every 5 minutes for long intense discussions.

And frankly, what you need isn't her problem. If you need to go through it all in such exhausting detail pay a therapist to listen to it.

Leave her alone for Christ's sake, she is done with it and clearly doesn't want to be your friend anymore. Not that I blame her, you're coming across very self obsessed.

MintJulia · 18/12/2022 12:17

Way too intense. Your friend has every right not to want to discuss something. If you raise a topic and she fends it off, don't pursue it. Change the subject.

She is not your counsellor.

spookymarmite · 18/12/2022 12:20

It sounds like this person doesn't want to be friends with you.

MuckyPlucky · 18/12/2022 12:20

Your ‘concerns’ are that she’s distancing herself. That should speak for itself. The more you push at her to ‘discuss these concerns’ the more she’ll want to distance herself. You’re doing the exact thing she’s pissed off about.

You sound incredibly hard work, and very troubled. Your poor friend has a life of her own to attend to, and you’re hounding and trying to constantly draw her in to your drama.

Please, leave her in peace. And please consider therapy for your over-intense reactions to perceived relationship slights. It could really improve your life and future relationships.

Bard6817 · 18/12/2022 12:23

People have a lot going on, not just you.

I like to say we all have a patience cup, and It gets filled by your own troubles and sometimes, other people need to try and fill yours too, as it stops their cup from running over. Once it runs over, that’s when people break…. People know when their cup is nearly full usually, but not always. I’d never blame someone for protecting their own cup. I do blame those that dump their woes on others without regard for the other.

Pterrydactyl · 18/12/2022 12:28

This all sounds very intense.

For whatever reason, it sounds like your friend is either not able, or not willing, to provide the level of support that you want from her. I’d guess that this may be part of the reason why she’s been taking a step back from your friendship.

Its not unreasonable to feel upset when friendships dwindle, but if she wants to take a step back - and from what you’ve written, it seems clear that she does - then you pushing for more contact and more discussions about what’s gone wrong, is unlikely to help. I’d give her a bit of space for now.

cansu · 18/12/2022 12:31

You sound very intense. I would not want a friendship to be hard work like this.

pastypirate · 18/12/2022 12:34

Sounds like you want to go on at her about x and y and she's said no. I don't blame her.

iRun2eatCake · 18/12/2022 12:36

Take the hint...she doesn't want the same level of intensity scrutiny of a friendship like you do

Sodullincomparison · 18/12/2022 12:43

I have a friend of over twenty years who sends messages like this. I just don’t reply any more as it has sucked all the oxygen out of the friendship.

I will give my friends anything in the world but life is too short for friendships which bring conflict.

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