Friend wont discuss my concerns

[Cassie077]

Very good friend has been deflecting for many many months when I asked to spend time with her. I feel
hurt. When I told her this she respectfully had to hang up the phone. We have had times in the past we have tried to discuss and they went soso. She always thought things were mostly my fault and so about never apologized. I did. The discussions she felt upset by. At times I would feel more intense or emotional and yet I was hurting. I apologized if something was off. She seemed to think expressing feelings meant arguments. She saw me struggling and suffering for months on end as I tried to guess why she stepped back so far. Which I kept trying to talk about. She was a great helpful friend. I just couldnt have no communication on things I needed to discuss. Even if no change in the outcome. Now I am still sitting with no change on outcome after telling her this. And now without my friend as if there is no chance for us to discuss anymore. She wasnt protecting me. I needed discussion on this. I hate myself now. And am extremely depressed. I know I said the friendship couldnt continue but I said “with” lack of communication. I told her I needed her half to solve. She hasnt gotten back with me. Do I try contacting her again? Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by no discussing and not being okay with her spending personal time with me? We saw eachother at a hobby. And she has helped with many things. I wanted 1-1 time to just sit and talk. Though we did talk on phone daily. Am I being unreasonable that I have felt I need to cut ties?

I honestly don't blame her, too needy, too intense and me me me me me me me.

No.

The relationship sounds one-sided. She was the mother and you were the child. That's the way it's coming across. I could be wrong about that.

Maybe you put all your friendship eggs in the one basket and therefore needed her to provide you with very high levels of emotional and social support.

It can come across as needy to expect a friend to fill every emotional void you have.

The friend cannot fix every emotional wound you have.

Look at the roles between the two of you. Why are you so dependent on this friend?

The problem with issuing ultimatums is that you have to be very, very sure you’ll get the response for which you were hoping. Your friend has essentially called your bluff. You were expecting her to fall over herself to apologise, to reassure you that she’d make more time for her from now on. But she didn’t. You gave her the option of cutting ties and she appears to have taken it.

Learn a lesson from this. Ultimatums and demands rarely earn well. In future, try to let friendships develop a little more organically rather than laying down ground rules and schedules.

I'm so sorry op you sound really unhappy. Do you have a counsellor or any mental health support at all? If not can you see your GP and get some help sorted. Some CBT or counselling would really help you. The support you need is best coming from a trained Counsellor or ideally a psychotherapist you could discuss these needs and how they could be met leaving you to have a proper real friend once you have understood how to operate true friendship. Please take care of yourself I wish you a brighter future and a very merry Christmas

OP have you been speaking about hurting yourself to her? Is that why she has said she wanted to hear from you every day?

Oh for goodness sake. Quit the pity party and do some work on yourself 🙄

Think about what your calls and time together are like for your friend, and ask yourself these questions.

Is it fun for her to be around me?
Does she leave feeling buoyed up and happy for speaking to me?
Does she feel that I've listened to her?
Who spoke most during that conversation? And who was the subject most of the time?

I do wonder if your friend talks to you because she knows you need her. But that it's not actually fun, nor are the conversations light.
I wonder if you know as much about her life/day/week as she knows about yours.
I wonder if she leaves feeling like she has an extra burden on her shoulders.

I've been that friend. I was very fond of the friend who needed me and used to enjoy their company. But after a while I realised that a lot of the time, I left their company or the conversation feeling really stressed and worried about them. And also that they hadn't asked a single thing about me, and I'd not found a point in the conversation to tell them anything. And I certainly didn't feel able to share anything that was positive ir they'd feel worse.

If you manage to talk to her again, ask about her life Talk about something light or anusing. Even if it's about TV. But save your own problems for another time, when you've re-established yourself as sommeone who she actually likes to be around.

You can’t insist that someone spends an hour a week with you. That is entirely unreasonable. I would suggest getting some support and exploring why you feel you’re entitled to someone else’s time in this way.

I have lots of friends and I do not meet with them 1-2-1 for an hour a week to discuss my problems that is what a counsellor is for. Your friend had a mutual interest i.e. the hobby and she gave you friendship in relation to that. You appear to have become fixated on her as "support friend" and are asking her to rationalise her reluctance to commit to that role.

She has stepped back as you are trying to dictate the terms of the friendship just to suit your needs. Do you have a counsellor that you can discuss this friendship dynamic with?

OP, this is likely the most simultaneously compassionate but realistic post you are going to see on your thread.

I am genuinely sorry about how painful all this rumination & attemot to wrest back some kind of 'control' over the direction of your friendship must be for you. I hope you take @annielouisa's excellent advice & find some solace, wisdom, & healthy coping techniques from an experienced therapist. Possibly one well-versed in attachment issues.

Best wishes

Op wanting to spend time with someone is not a bad thing. I think you know this and are just upset by responses.

demanding someone spends time with you , not accepting when they don’t wish to, or don’t have the time to. Trying to constantly make them justify this decision to you, making them upset, wanting them to apologise for not spending time with you, not Respecting them or their boundaries, feeling entitled to their time. Feeling entitled to their support. That’s what is a bad thing. That’s what posters are telling you.