Friend wont discuss my concerns

[Cassie077]

Very good friend has been deflecting for many many months when I asked to spend time with her. I feel
hurt. When I told her this she respectfully had to hang up the phone. We have had times in the past we have tried to discuss and they went soso. She always thought things were mostly my fault and so about never apologized. I did. The discussions she felt upset by. At times I would feel more intense or emotional and yet I was hurting. I apologized if something was off. She seemed to think expressing feelings meant arguments. She saw me struggling and suffering for months on end as I tried to guess why she stepped back so far. Which I kept trying to talk about. She was a great helpful friend. I just couldnt have no communication on things I needed to discuss. Even if no change in the outcome. Now I am still sitting with no change on outcome after telling her this. And now without my friend as if there is no chance for us to discuss anymore. She wasnt protecting me. I needed discussion on this. I hate myself now. And am extremely depressed. I know I said the friendship couldnt continue but I said “with” lack of communication. I told her I needed her half to solve. She hasnt gotten back with me. Do I try contacting her again? Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by no discussing and not being okay with her spending personal time with me? We saw eachother at a hobby. And she has helped with many things. I wanted 1-1 time to just sit and talk. Though we did talk on phone daily. Am I being unreasonable that I have felt I need to cut ties?

Are you both quite young? I think I felt like this about people in my twenties, now I look back and think it's terrible that I so wanted other people to be what I wanted them to be instead of appreciating them for who they were.

And when I say twenties, I think in many ways I was very immature.

Friends need to be not as dependent as this on each other. It's too much.
But I hope you're ok and your friendship could survive this.

This is too much. I couldn't be friends with somebody as intense as you. Friendship shouldn't be this hard work and she doesn't owe you anything at all! I think you need some counselling to unravel your feelings because you will continue to spoil friendships if you carry on like this. I can't imagine speaking daily to any of my friends let alone expecting this level of commitment. It's not normal.

'She was a great helpful friend' and then 'she has helped with many things'.

Maybe she doesn't want to help you anymore because she feels it's too draining, but just doesn't want to come out and say that to you?

I think you just need to back off now and leave her be.

Sorry I meant to add, it can be very difficult helping someone who suffers with depression.

Not everyone is cut out for that.

That she wasnt spending personal time with me. And was not allowing me to discuss why.

People are not duty bound to spend time with you or enter into endless discussion if they don't want to. Friendships can't be controlled like this. It does all sound a bit demanding. I probably wouldn't speak to you either if you were making demands that I had to discuss what you wanted to discuss.

Jesus christ.

@Cassie077 - it may be hard for you to understand. but she doesn’t owe you meetings or an explanation and if you’re honest you can probably look back at your last interactions and work out for yourself why she doesn’t want to spend time with you.

When you think about the last times you met with this friend, how much did you learn about them? How much did you help them? What did you offer them? Were there some laughs, or was it a quite intense discussion of how your needs have to be met?

Some people are uplifting to be with, you spend time with them and have fun, feeling lighter and happier both during and afterwards. When you talk they listen and put positive spins on things or offer practical or emotional support, but also you need to listen when they talk and offer this in return.

Were your meetings with her like this?

Some people are less like this. When you talk they don’t listen - either blocking what you say by not properly engaging, or turning the conversation back to themself all the time. - they’re self absorbed and have a negative mindset. It doesn’t make them bad people, but it’s a negative and draining experience to be with them.

Do you feel there’s any element of your relationship that was like this?

For everyone’s sense of well-being they need to set boundaries on relationships that protect them. If your friend talked to you on the phone everyday then that’s a lot already and (hopefully) she was happy to do that. She doesn’t ‘owe’ you meeting up in person and nor does she ‘owe’ you a meeting so you can tell her off.

Do you have other close friends? Do you help this friend or is it usually her helping you? Do either or both of you have relationships or families?
Sometimes friendships go through phases of being less intense and more casual catch ups through shared hobbies. Sometimes they recover the closeness, sometimes not. Some people like to analyse friendships for clarity of where they stand, others prefer to let their actions speak for them.

Your friends actions are telling you she needs some space. You can choose to listen to this and respect it or to keep pushing at it.

You haven't mentioned your friends wants or needs at all.

I would back off OP, let her know you are there, see her when you do your hobby, listen to what her actions and responses are telling you about what she needs from the friendship.

How often have you sat and listened to your friend? How often have you helped her ? Maybe she just hasn't got the emotional energy to give any more of her time to you.

You sound like a stalker OP.

Leave her alone.

Am sorry, @Cassie077 but I'd be running for the hills.. too much.. just too much.

You sound like an emotional vampire, you've drained her and she's had enough.

Are you in love with her?

I bet she's doing cartwheels that you've cut ties.

Leave her alone OP, she doesn’t want to be your friend any more.

This happens to most people as their lives as they grow and change. As your circumstances move beyond your friendship group being your entire world even the best friendships are not usually as intense as maybe they were when you were a teenager.

You come across as scarily needy. Get some professional help for your depression and need for constant emotional support and start a new hobby to get yourself out of your own head and make new friends on a basis of shared interest and fun rather than just wanting to talk about your personal problems all the time.

You speak on the phone every day and saw each other at a hobby but still needed more ‘personal’ time? That sounds very intense for a friendship! You sound very needy of her time which was probably overwhelming for her and why she needed to step back. Presumably she has other commitments which take up her time, be they work, family, a partner, other friends, hobbies etc and it sounds like you were trying to take more than a reasonable share of it!

Do you have anybody else in your support network, other friends, a partner or family?

@Chikapu there's really no need for that level of nastiness.

What's wrong with you??

I don’t understand most of the post but what I did get is that it sounds like an awful friendship . Friendships shouldn’t be hard and if someone doesn’t want to discuss something with you then you should respect that.

She's no obliged to spend 'personal time' with you. You've been speaking on the phone daily, and it sounds vey much that all you want to talk about is you. You put her on the spot, and she wisely didn't get into an argument with you about it.

I'm sorry about your depression, but those of us who support people with mental health issues, also need to ensure that doing so doesn't bring us down too. Your friend has made boundaries to ensure that she keeps herself mentally healthy, and you want her to break them.

Do you support her? Do you listen to her?

Get another friend. And chill out for the love of god!

@Cassie077 Would you consider seeing a therapist to discuss this?

Strongly suspect you're too much for her. Daily contact and explaining why she has other things to do and people to see, beyond hanging with you to discuss your friendship.
Grown ups with responsibilities and commitments, like work, bills, family, parenting do not have time to devote to that.

No-one has a god given right to expect anything from a friend. You NEED to tell her. She NEEDS to not hear. Your wishes don’t trump hers.

Back away and give her some space.

I do think you might have an unreasonable expectation of what a friend and friendship is. There isn't an obligation to commit time to each other. Friends are people whose company you enjoy when you do spend time with them. There isn't a requirement to do this. Do you see friends as people who have to be useful to you?