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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend wont discuss my concerns

111 replies

Cassie077 · 18/12/2022 11:49

Very good friend has been deflecting for many many months when I asked to spend time with her. I feel
hurt. When I told her this she respectfully had to hang up the phone. We have had times in the past we have tried to discuss and they went soso. She always thought things were mostly my fault and so about never apologized. I did. The discussions she felt upset by. At times I would feel more intense or emotional and yet I was hurting. I apologized if something was off. She seemed to think expressing feelings meant arguments. She saw me struggling and suffering for months on end as I tried to guess why she stepped back so far. Which I kept trying to talk about. She was a great helpful friend. I just couldnt have no communication on things I needed to discuss. Even if no change in the outcome. Now I am still sitting with no change on outcome after telling her this. And now without my friend as if there is no chance for us to discuss anymore. She wasnt protecting me. I needed discussion on this. I hate myself now. And am extremely depressed. I know I said the friendship couldnt continue but I said “with” lack of communication. I told her I needed her half to solve. She hasnt gotten back with me. Do I try contacting her again? Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by no discussing and not being okay with her spending personal time with me? We saw eachother at a hobby. And she has helped with many things. I wanted 1-1 time to just sit and talk. Though we did talk on phone daily. Am I being unreasonable that I have felt I need to cut ties?

OP posts:
Sugarplumfairy65 · 18/12/2022 13:42

Cassie077 · 18/12/2022 12:48

That she wasnt spending personal time with me. And was not allowing me to discuss why.

Maybe she doesnt want to? She will have other things going on in her life that have nothing to do with you.

MadeofElephantStone · 18/12/2022 13:43

You seem to have an unhealthy attitude and attachment to this friendship. Your op was quite intense to read, if this is what your friend is experiencing then it may be putting her off. It might be worth seeking counselling to explore the issues you may have around friendships or at least to get another perspective on how to manage them going forward so they have less of a damaging impact on your wellbeing.

LuluBlakey1 · 18/12/2022 13:44

She does not have to do either. You are pressuring her which is likely to make her back off further.

AlisonDonut · 18/12/2022 13:44

You cannot control how much time people spend with you.

If she doesn't want to, then she doesn't want to.

Leave her be.

PortableVirgins · 18/12/2022 13:46

Even reading that was stressful, OP. You sound rather self-absorbed and as though you have very little insight into the effect of your behaviour on other people. She's made it clear she doesn't want things to continue in this pattern of 'discussions' about what you feel she's doing wrong as a friend. The 'friendship' between you isn't something she wants to 'solve' -- she wants a break from all this teenage emo stuff, and frankly, it's not hard to see why.

Blanketpolicy · 18/12/2022 13:47

You need to respect her boundaries if you want to be friends, she has made it clear she is at her limit of discussing such intense feelings with you. These discussions may be having a negative impact on her.

If her boundaries are not compatible with your needs from a friend find another friend to fulfil that need. It doesn't mean you cant still be friends with her too.

7eleven · 18/12/2022 13:50

Blanketpolicy · 18/12/2022 13:47

You need to respect her boundaries if you want to be friends, she has made it clear she is at her limit of discussing such intense feelings with you. These discussions may be having a negative impact on her.

If her boundaries are not compatible with your needs from a friend find another friend to fulfil that need. It doesn't mean you cant still be friends with her too.

Perfect advice x

Soakitup37 · 18/12/2022 13:53

I had to break off a long term friendship like this, I loved her dearly but she was such hard work, almost making me her partner in a relationship (she was already in a relationship) I had to build up the energy to spend time with her and when I did something without her or went any length of time not being in contact she would blow up at me and ask me why and how we needed to talk about it. I tried to explain gently how it was full
on and too intense but she couldn’t understand and took it too personally.

she was a very needy, insecure person and I honestly hope that she’s been able to work on that and become a happier person but the intensity burned me out and broke the joy Of the friendship for me in the end

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2022 13:54

What you wrote is just screaming RED FLAGS. Honestly, you sound like a stalker.

TrashyPanda · 18/12/2022 13:57

Kindly - can you see how one-sided this friendship was?
that she “had” to be there for you.

she can’t take it any more.

she doesn’t want to have to tell you honestly that you are far too demanding.

IncompleteSenten · 18/12/2022 13:59

She gave you time every single day on the phone and that wasn't good enough for you?

I think she is taking a step back and I think it is likely because you are far too demanding of her time and attention.

I think you backing off in return is a good idea. It sounds like she can't give you what you need and she's trying to avoid having to tell you that you are too demanding and have needs she cannot meet.

Panpastels · 18/12/2022 13:59

Seek help and leave this person alone before they put an injunction on you!

Letthesunshineonin · 18/12/2022 13:59

You sound stifling. I think it would be good for you to get some therapy. Talk things through there

Lougle · 18/12/2022 14:00

How could such a discussion have a positive end? She's either going to tell you things about your behaviour that will hurt you, or that you are unlikely to be able to change. You don't sound like you have a massive insight into how your friend might feel.

If your friend tells you that everything is too intense and actually, she'd be happy just meet up at the hobby and talk on the phone once per week, how would you feel? I suspect the only outcome you'd be happy with is regular individual time spent together. She doesn't sound like that's what she wants.

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/12/2022 14:02

Ive read that twice and it still doesn’t really make any sense, it’s just emotional drama for the sake of it. She’s probably fed up.

Greyarea12 · 18/12/2022 14:03

There shouldn't be constant 'discussions' in friendships about 'concerns". It shouldn't be that hard. It all sounds very formal and quite draining.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 18/12/2022 14:03

It is very sad for you OP but your friend does not want the very close relationship you imagine for the two of you.

It looks as if the two of you feel differently about each other.

She doesn't have to justify this to you any more than you have to justify your desire to see her more and to be closer. This isn't a matter for apology.

These are her feelings and your feelings. They just don't match.

Can you become content with just meeting at the hobby and chatting at the level she can cope with... or are you going to have to end the friendship completely?

Mumuser124 · 18/12/2022 14:04

Your friend clearly likes you or you wouldn’t be friends but she probably doesn’t have more space in her life for anything else.

The reason why she probably doesn’t want a discussion is because you’ve just turned the friendship into something that now requires work.

InSummertime · 18/12/2022 14:07

My therapist gave me this and it is useful to me as I try and support people buying into the friendship is about love and support. It should enrich, it shouldn’t drain. I am not a counsellor. I had a friend who for 10 years goes from one drama to another - it’s fucking exhausting. I cut her off a year ago and told her why.

I reached out to wish her a good Christmas and that I hoped her family was ok. I have just had back
’I have my mother, my daughter and son-in-law and his sister and her husband all coming next week for Christmas I am exhausted already despite inviting them all. My other daughter is now refusing school totally and hasn’t been since September (she is 15) local
council are refusing to help us as the psychologist has stated she is choosing this behaviour and to refuse school and engage. She medicated and hadn’t left the house in 3 months and has no social life. She is drinking in her room. She is suicidal - I’m depressed. Are we still friends as you have texted me I really need some support’

she doesn’t get it - no matter how many times I tell her - get some counselling, get a therapist

she wants to off load everything on me and I have my own shit - be careful of what you ask. Support is different to different people - a once in a year cry down the phone is not the same as when it is relentless and doesn’t fill the other person with joy or enrich their lives

Friend wont discuss my concerns
GelPens1 · 18/12/2022 14:11

What are the issues you want to discuss? It is really emotionally draining to be around someone who constantly talks about negative things.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 18/12/2022 14:12

You sound like hard work. Get help other ways and give people a break!

BMW6 · 18/12/2022 14:14

Christ Alive OP that's wayyyyyyy too much angst.

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/12/2022 14:17

🙄 back off

Diffuserqueen · 18/12/2022 14:18

Op you’re not entitled to her time. And honestly just talking to you daily is a commitment.

it all sounds a bit too much. I think you need to accept it’s went too far now. The friendship is over and you need to leave her alone

MichelleScarn · 18/12/2022 14:22

She wasnt protecting me. I needed discussion on this.

the whole thing is exhausting, but why do you feel she needs to protect you and you seem to demand it?!