Friend wont discuss my concerns

[Cassie077]

Very good friend has been deflecting for many many months when I asked to spend time with her. I feel
hurt. When I told her this she respectfully had to hang up the phone. We have had times in the past we have tried to discuss and they went soso. She always thought things were mostly my fault and so about never apologized. I did. The discussions she felt upset by. At times I would feel more intense or emotional and yet I was hurting. I apologized if something was off. She seemed to think expressing feelings meant arguments. She saw me struggling and suffering for months on end as I tried to guess why she stepped back so far. Which I kept trying to talk about. She was a great helpful friend. I just couldnt have no communication on things I needed to discuss. Even if no change in the outcome. Now I am still sitting with no change on outcome after telling her this. And now without my friend as if there is no chance for us to discuss anymore. She wasnt protecting me. I needed discussion on this. I hate myself now. And am extremely depressed. I know I said the friendship couldnt continue but I said “with” lack of communication. I told her I needed her half to solve. She hasnt gotten back with me. Do I try contacting her again? Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by no discussing and not being okay with her spending personal time with me? We saw eachother at a hobby. And she has helped with many things. I wanted 1-1 time to just sit and talk. Though we did talk on phone daily. Am I being unreasonable that I have felt I need to cut ties?

Your friend has a right to not spend time with you if they don't want to, they have a right not to talk about/discuss things with you (although I suspect it wouldn't be a discussion but a one sided tirade or lecture from you) if they don't want to, they have the right to make their own choices not have your choices forced on them.

You sound incredibly controlling and hard work, a friendship is give and take and you seem like all you want to do is take and be in charge. No wonder your friend has backed off, I would too.

This. You are too intense and demanding and expecting too much.

Op do you habe any one else in your life? A partner? Parents. Siblings? Anyone who can offer you support?

it does feel like you need some support, what you write is like a bad romantic relationship with one needy person . Not a friendship.

you don’t demand from a Friend, protection, personal time commitments, daily calls, discussions on your needs snd how she can meet them. She doesn’t need to justify to you why she won’t Spend more time with you and take repeated discussions on it.

I mean it gently, please let her be now, but do you have any other support from anyone else?

I mean this in the kindest possible way, OP, but do you have a diagnosis of any kind?

Please see a doctor, there are so many red flags for MH problems in your posts, and some of it sounds very familiar from a friend I had as a teenager who eventually was diagnosed as having ASD.

It sounds incredibly hard work for your friend. I am thinking that this friendship isn't working out for her anymore and she is trying to back out.

I watched Hamza on Strictly last night. One of the things he said was to have people in your life whose eyes lit up when you walk towards them.

I’m sorry but this isn’t that friend. And I’m afraid I can’t blame them.

To me they sound a bit exhausted with your friendship and they need a lot of space/maybe permanent distance.

I have an acquaintance who never contacts me in the good times. It is always when there is a crisis/needs money/ wants something/wants to talk everything through for hours before accepting what I told them a minute into the conversation. It is exhausting and yes, my heart sinks when I see their name on my phone.

I back away as much as I can but I am not nearly as accommodating as I once was.

We all have our woes and sometimes it is too much to take on someone else’s woes too and it is unfair to expect them to really. Therapy is a better option I think.

Your post seems to be very 'me, me, me, me', OP.

Have you considered counselling rather than trying to dump everything on a 'friend'? Because that's not fair ... and she's telling you that with her stepping back.

It's all about you, and what you want and need.

You are (quote) intense, emotional, struggling, suffering, depressed, needing protection, endlessly wanting HER to discuss, communicate, "solve" your problems.

When you told her the friendship can't continue , she must have heaved a sigh of relief.

Your friend is in a no-win situation. If she caved in and discussed this with you and potentially gave you a few home truths, then she'd be in the wrong for upsetting you. If she actively tries to avoid these conversations, as she's doing now, she still upsetting you.

You have been told by many posters here why she doesn't want to meet you in person to discuss things with you but you just aren't listening.

You say you spoke on the phone every day. I don't have any friends that I speak to on a daily basis. It sounds like she was there for you but it still wasn't enough.

I'm trying to be as kind as possible, but you sound very hard work. A friend of mine used to ring every day and expected me to talk - in the middle of my working day - for an hour or more. She was sat at home bored but I was working. I used to say "I can't talk, I'm busy" but she took no notice. I used to say "I have to go now, I've work to do" but she didn't care and would say "I just need to tell you this..." Every. Fucking. Day. Then I started ringing her at the weekend (when I had time) and she would genuinely say "I've got to go now" and simply hang up the phone. No goodbye, no chance to wind down the conversation. She would just hang up because it didn't suit her to talk at that time. I distanced myself from that friend. She didn't respect my boundaries at all and it was all about her. We are no longer friends because I have no time for being treated that way. Does it sound familiar?

Daily contact isnt just for me. She said it would bother her if I didnt call.

I am sorry I posted this. Only because I didnt realize wanting to spend time with someone was a bad thing. I thought it was a good thing in a friendship that peor do. And I am having to defend that. 1 hour a week is what I wanted. We used to do tons together.

So respect that and leave her alone.

Are you in love with her?

Me me meeeeeee

What do YOU bring to HER?

Please don't be upset when I say, this relationship sounds far too intense. You also sound like very hard work. I'd step back and be grateful for any further interaction.

She doesn't want to be friends anymore op.

You can't force someone to be your friend.

I'm sorry but you sound very clingy and needy. Where is the fun stuff in this relationship?? Do all your conversations have the need to be doom and gloom and deep. People get drained from that

Spending time together is good... if you both want it.

Not wanting to spend time with someone is allowed. Friends don't feel time together as an obligation.

Why do you think that she doesn't want 1 2 1 time with you?

You still don't get it, do you?

I am sorry I posted this.
The only reason you're sorry is that you haven't had the answers you expected. You expected everyone to be on your side and agree that your friend was out of order and it hasn't panned out that way.

I didnt realize wanting to spend time with someone was a bad thing.
It's not. Nobody has said it is. But placing demands on someone and their time is. We all lead busy lives and a friendship is a two way street.

1 hour a week is what I wanted.
It may have been what YOU wanted, but it's clearly not what she wants. Again, friendship is a two way street. If anyone said to me that they expect a call every day and one hour a week, I'd tell them to fuck off. Life isn't like that. She can't provide the commitment you expect or think you deserve. Can you not simply appreciate the friendship for what it is? Honestly, you are really lucky to have someone to speak to every day. I don't have that. You run the risk of losing it if you don't back off.

Same.

An hour a week is still a lot to ask of someone when it is one sided and sad.

It is a good thing only when you share good times and it is a reciprocal friendship. Otherwise, sadly, it is a chore.

I think, probably, you unloaded too much on her. People with depression can be pretty hard for others to support. It seems unfair to say that, but the supporters are humans too, with their own lives and issues. It can really drag you down shouldering someone else's burdens on top of your own.

You said she was a good, helpful friend. Can you think of many things that you helped her with?

I also think it's relevant that it was you who was calling every time, whatever she told you about appreciating it.

Only because I didnt realize wanting to spend time with someone was a bad thing. I thought it was a good thing in a friendship that peor do.

Wanting to spend time with someone is not a bad thing, dictating how that time is to be spent and what for is.

Your post are all about you, what you demand, what you need/want, how you deem your friend should be. Your friend has agency of her own, she is not obliged to dance to your tune.

1 hour a week is what I wanted.

Your post is all about what you want.

Do I try contacting her again?
For the love of all you hold holy - NO!
Let her come to you.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by no discussing and not being okay with her spending personal time with me?
Not in the least - but you can't expect her feelings to match yours, & talking about it any further is not going to change her feelings into being ones you are more comfortable with.
I know that hurts - but it's a fact, & maybe putting energy into finding a way to deal with that internally, rather than trying to 'fix' the issue, is a better use of your time.

We saw eachother at a hobby. And she has helped with many things. I wanted 1-1 time to just sit and talk. Though we did talk on phone daily. Am I being unreasonable that I have felt I need to cut ties?
I don't know. But probably. Why so all-or-nothing?

You are at an impasse - you want to talk about what you feel is an issue, she does not.
However - you feel the only solution is to cut ties if you are not able to keep talking about the issue.
She feels the reverse - that if you keep talking at her about the issue, she needs to step back.

So if you are unwilling to keep your need to constantly discuss - (I am sorry, it's hard to work out what the issue actually is, but seems to be about you wanting more time with her & deeper conversations than she wants to have) - this issue to yourself, then yes - you need to withdraw, because painful as it is for you, she is not interested in hearing it.

Have you spent any time considering doing it her way?

Because you appear to be demanding contact frequency & intensity on your own terms without giving the same consideration to her terms.
She's clearly not comfortable with how hard you are pushing, so is sliding away because SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE ENDLESS TALKS about what you want & need from her.

A daily phone call was a LOT. I'm not sure how much more you can expect - she also has a life. Problems. Feelings. She's not demanding you sit up & pay attention to them - quite the reverse, she is clearly indicating it's all got too much for her, & she wants you to stop asking to have "The Talk" like you are a pair of lovestruck teens.

If you want to keep her in your life, keep things lighter. And stop apologising, it's just a way of drawing focus bavk onto The Issue. Which she does not want to discuss. You need to actually listen to her - including the things she's NOT saying, which are essentially - "too much, too intense, can we not just re-set & have fun & lightness".

You are sorry you posted because we didn’t say what you wanted us to say.

What did you want from this thread? Something that you can show your friend as proof that she should want to give you what you demand?

The obsession with regular official meetings (speaking daily, I wanted one hour a week) to discuss your problems and wanting your friend to ‘help’ and ‘protect’ you (from what, I wonder…) look like serious issues to me. I would not feel able to cope with the responsibility of that in a friend.

She might have said something like she would worry about you if she didn’t speak to you every day but it might have just been a throwaway comment to try and placate you.

Again, just let her go. You need a therapist before a friend.