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AIBU?

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Original poster

Keeps calling me a nag/ communication breaking down

109 replies

gahst · 18/12/2022 11:18

We are both stressed. We have two small kids. I'm on leave, he's away frequently for work and pretty much doesn't do any looking after them, because he isn't here enough. When he is here, he's very irritated by it all. Like he cannot catch a break at all.

We end up fighting about it all the time. Obviously he does no night wake ups, even when he's here. I sometimes ( when he's on holiday ) ask him to help a bit with nights, but he's extremely irritated about it.

When I try to bring this up, communication breaks down, he calls me a nag, to leave him alone etc. it's very frustrating. How can I communicate without nagging? I said to him this morning that I wish he showed me half the consideration I show him. Apparently that's nagging and I need to leave him alone.

Frustrated ! I am tried too.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 18/12/2022 11:20

Another dad who thinks children are solely women's work. 🙄

I think perhaps you need to go back to work and share the cost of the childminder. It's the only way you will get through.

Original poster
gahst · 18/12/2022 11:22

MintJulia · 18/12/2022 11:20

Another dad who thinks children are solely women's work. 🙄

I think perhaps you need to go back to work and share the cost of the childminder. It's the only way you will get through.

I am soon anyway. But I don't think it's going to change much. His job is out of the house and away, whereas mine is more from home etc. it will just be the same ! Really fed up and unhappy and don't know what to do !

OP posts:
Username112233 · 18/12/2022 11:23

This makes me so sad reading this. It seems like hes very old fashioned in that if he's working it's more than enough. The bottom line is it's not. You have a young family and it took 2 of you to make them. Have you tried communicating via text if you're too exhausted to do it otherwise? Your needs aren't more important than his.

Ohtheweatheroutsideistoocold · 18/12/2022 11:25

Ah 'nag', the stereotypical retort of a shit husband who doesn't pull his weight

It's deceptively simple really

Because you can't argue with nag, because then you are proving them right, you can't get them to pull their weight because then you are proving them right and you can't ever catch a break

It's misogynistic bullshit and I would never stay with a man who used it against me, although I realise that's easy to say when I'm not on maternity leave with two small kids

Original poster
gahst · 18/12/2022 11:25

I just don't feel like he takes responsibility for anything properly. He's untidy and moody about things not being tidy for example. He's always wanting to relax and not do much. It's so frustrating. I'm always left tending the kids and hating him.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 18/12/2022 11:27

What does he add to your life? Does he redeem himself by doing all the cleaning, washing and organising while you do the childcare?

I found life a lot easier without a very similar knob in tow. Perhaps you need to have a blunt conversation with your dh about how his attitude and refusal to share the load is endangering your marriage.

Original poster
gahst · 18/12/2022 11:29

MintJulia · 18/12/2022 11:27

What does he add to your life? Does he redeem himself by doing all the cleaning, washing and organising while you do the childcare?

I found life a lot easier without a very similar knob in tow. Perhaps you need to have a blunt conversation with your dh about how his attitude and refusal to share the load is endangering your marriage.

None of it. Just complains, is moody and is all ' woe is me ' about his terrible life.

OP posts:
hettie · 18/12/2022 11:29

So he shuts down communication by saying 'nag'? What would happen if (when things are ok/you're not in an immediate conflict) you went to him and said something like "I want to find a way in which we can communicate and resolve issues, how do you suggest we do this in a way that doesn't make you want to call me a nag?"
The only way to problem solve is to calmly talk about the problems and with out what you're both prepared to do about it.

Original poster
gahst · 18/12/2022 11:32

hettie · 18/12/2022 11:29

So he shuts down communication by saying 'nag'? What would happen if (when things are ok/you're not in an immediate conflict) you went to him and said something like "I want to find a way in which we can communicate and resolve issues, how do you suggest we do this in a way that doesn't make you want to call me a nag?"
The only way to problem solve is to calmly talk about the problems and with out what you're both prepared to do about it.

When we talk in a calmer way, he's all like ' I'm never here, I can't keep my clothes tidier. I'm never here, I don't have time to help with XYZ. I'm tired, I can't do XYZ. OK, when I'm here I'll try to help more with XYZ' and then doesn't really do it..

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2022 11:36

This is really sad and frustrating

If you tried to make him understand he might loose his marriage would that help?

Otherwise I would be planning a separation. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to be married with kids.

ladygindiva · 18/12/2022 11:39

Boot him out for a trial period. Short sharp shock treatment to see what an arse he's being. Sorry op, that's all I've got.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2022 11:39

I personally wouldn't stay with anyone who called me a nag. Because it's misogynistic gaslighting designed to keep you doing all the work. And it's working.

But, that's with the benefit of hindsight and experience, and I don't have small children.

So you have two choices...

  1. Keep 'only' nagging. Everything will stay the same as it is. The resentment will build until you get divorced in ten years time and you'll wonder why you didn't do it ten years before. (Me).
  1. Don't just nag. Get really fucking angry. He is being a selfish lazy arsehole. Tell him straight he ships up or he gets out. And mean it. If he's at home, everything is 50/50.
Original poster
gahst · 18/12/2022 11:42

Just to give an example to the type of behaviour that annoys me. Maybe I'm too much, I don't know...
He's off for Christmas now.. so no work for a few weeks. Baby and toddler ill. I tended to both all night. He came in screaming that he couldn't sleep a couple of times.

I gave both breakfast etc this morning. He came down had his breakfast and has left everything he used out and about on the table. In addition to this, I cooked for him last night ( of course ) and the pots and pans are also still out, as well as all the dirty dishes. He just left them on the side. No worry in the world. So not only is the mess of this morning out, his mess from last night is also out. He plonked himself on the sofa for a bit, watching TV really loudly. No concern about all the mess he could clear up, but won't. Now he's disappeared for an hour upstairs. He will not tidy up or even consider doing it. If I say something, he will tell me potentially to shut up and stop nagging him. What kind of adult behaves like this ?

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 18/12/2022 11:42

He’s not handling it well but he sounds stressed. Working a lot, as you say “can’t catch a break”. I think you’re both stressed.

id persist with talking rather than jump to blowing up your life as the first thing (like so many advocate on here)

FloydPepper · 18/12/2022 11:43

gahst · 18/12/2022 11:42

Just to give an example to the type of behaviour that annoys me. Maybe I'm too much, I don't know...
He's off for Christmas now.. so no work for a few weeks. Baby and toddler ill. I tended to both all night. He came in screaming that he couldn't sleep a couple of times.

I gave both breakfast etc this morning. He came down had his breakfast and has left everything he used out and about on the table. In addition to this, I cooked for him last night ( of course ) and the pots and pans are also still out, as well as all the dirty dishes. He just left them on the side. No worry in the world. So not only is the mess of this morning out, his mess from last night is also out. He plonked himself on the sofa for a bit, watching TV really loudly. No concern about all the mess he could clear up, but won't. Now he's disappeared for an hour upstairs. He will not tidy up or even consider doing it. If I say something, he will tell me potentially to shut up and stop nagging him. What kind of adult behaves like this ?

Although having read this he sounds lazy too. Perhaps the talking does need to be quite strong and firm…

hettie · 18/12/2022 11:44

Well is he always tired? Is he working long hours? Traveling for work can take it out of you...
If you both have too much on and are both overworked and knackered what can give? Can you use savings/family/reduce spends in other areas to buy either more childcare/some childcare/domestic help? Can he move jobs/area of company) cut hours to reduce his load?
There is no getting around it, small children after full on and it's relentless, everyone's knackered and needs support and down time. You need to work out how you get this.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 18/12/2022 11:45

Whenever I hear of a man calling a woman a 'nag' or tell her she is nagging I just think Misogynist

Want2beme · 18/12/2022 11:46

Does he ever interact with his DC? It's not normal for a partner to not want to do their bit.

hettie · 18/12/2022 11:48

Ok, having read your breakfast update. I would calmly and politely ask him (in about 45 minutes) " please can you clear up your breakfast and dinner things so that the kitchen can be used for making lunch". And any screaming or shouting is unacceptable and needs a firm do not/that unacceptable response. Would you are a couple's therapist? He seems dismissive and the avoidance/yelling is crap and won't change.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/12/2022 11:49

gahst · 18/12/2022 11:42

Just to give an example to the type of behaviour that annoys me. Maybe I'm too much, I don't know...
He's off for Christmas now.. so no work for a few weeks. Baby and toddler ill. I tended to both all night. He came in screaming that he couldn't sleep a couple of times.

I gave both breakfast etc this morning. He came down had his breakfast and has left everything he used out and about on the table. In addition to this, I cooked for him last night ( of course ) and the pots and pans are also still out, as well as all the dirty dishes. He just left them on the side. No worry in the world. So not only is the mess of this morning out, his mess from last night is also out. He plonked himself on the sofa for a bit, watching TV really loudly. No concern about all the mess he could clear up, but won't. Now he's disappeared for an hour upstairs. He will not tidy up or even consider doing it. If I say something, he will tell me potentially to shut up and stop nagging him. What kind of adult behaves like this ?

You would be better off without him. By a country mile.

Dotcheck · 18/12/2022 11:50

hettie · 18/12/2022 11:44

Well is he always tired? Is he working long hours? Traveling for work can take it out of you...
If you both have too much on and are both overworked and knackered what can give? Can you use savings/family/reduce spends in other areas to buy either more childcare/some childcare/domestic help? Can he move jobs/area of company) cut hours to reduce his load?
There is no getting around it, small children after full on and it's relentless, everyone's knackered and needs support and down time. You need to work out how you get this.

He may be tired, but he is behaving like an entitled child. Why should the OP figure it all out?

Whitwhit · 18/12/2022 11:58

gahst · 18/12/2022 11:42

Just to give an example to the type of behaviour that annoys me. Maybe I'm too much, I don't know...
He's off for Christmas now.. so no work for a few weeks. Baby and toddler ill. I tended to both all night. He came in screaming that he couldn't sleep a couple of times.

I gave both breakfast etc this morning. He came down had his breakfast and has left everything he used out and about on the table. In addition to this, I cooked for him last night ( of course ) and the pots and pans are also still out, as well as all the dirty dishes. He just left them on the side. No worry in the world. So not only is the mess of this morning out, his mess from last night is also out. He plonked himself on the sofa for a bit, watching TV really loudly. No concern about all the mess he could clear up, but won't. Now he's disappeared for an hour upstairs. He will not tidy up or even consider doing it. If I say something, he will tell me potentially to shut up and stop nagging him. What kind of adult behaves like this ?

@gahst Does he give a shit about your kids (or you) at all? At all? Because this updates reads it’s all about him. Your baby and toddler were ill in the night, yet he’s more concerned about his sleep?

He’s obviously not pulling his weight re dinner or breakfast. Or with looking after the kids today, if he’s firstly plonked himself in front of the TV, and then fucked off upstairs.
And PPs are bang on with nag = classic misogynist. As is also clearly evidenced by his behaviour above.

What do you want to happen?

(if it were me I think I’d tell him to fuck off, but I appreciate it might not be that easy)

jeaux90 · 18/12/2022 12:02

You are not his support human.

He is a father and has responsibilities beyond his job.

Honestly I'd want to split.

Do you earn enough to sustain your situation? The house is it joint ownership or rented?

InFiveMins · 18/12/2022 12:03

It really doesn't sound like he's bringing anything positive to your life, at all. Are you considering leaving him? Are you able to? Personally I'd start trying to find a way out.

Original poster
gahst · 18/12/2022 12:04

@Whitwhit I have really tried talking to him so many times in so many ways. It just doesn't get through.

He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong, always. Like I'm always chasing him around on his time off and he can't catch a breaks I honestly just don't know where to go from here. I find it hard to actually like him / have a nice time with him because I feel really betrayed by his behaviour. At the same time another part of me thinks that maybe I am the problem. I guess that's why I stay. I think maybe I am unreasonable.

OP posts: