Keeps calling me a nag/ communication breaking down

[gahst]

We are both stressed. We have two small kids. I'm on leave, he's away frequently for work and pretty much doesn't do any looking after them, because he isn't here enough. When he is here, he's very irritated by it all. Like he cannot catch a break at all.

We end up fighting about it all the time. Obviously he does no night wake ups, even when he's here. I sometimes ( when he's on holiday ) ask him to help a bit with nights, but he's extremely irritated about it.

When I try to bring this up, communication breaks down, he calls me a nag, to leave him alone etc. it's very frustrating. How can I communicate without nagging? I said to him this morning that I wish he showed me half the consideration I show him. Apparently that's nagging and I need to leave him alone.

Frustrated ! I am tried too.

Leave him.

His behaviour and attitude is disgraceful. He’s showing a complete lack of respect for you, and it’s no way to live. You deserve better, and your kids deserve to grow up in an environment when their mum isn’t made to second guess herself and be made to be a skivvy constantly. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Yanbu and it is a betrayal. He doesn’t seem to give a shit about how you’re feeling for have any desire to change, so it doesn’t seem like there’s really much you can do besides leave

OP so you said you can sustain yourself and the kids?

Then I'd divorce him. I could not be in this kind of relationship.

I think if it were me I’d ask him if he realises what a poor father and husband he is being. He is bringing in money and that is about all. He isn’t forming a partnership with you or being a parent. It’s a selfish way of life and he’s totally opting out of family life. Either he changes job so he’s more available, or he bucks his ideas up when he is at home, or he slings his hook. Because you can’t keep on like this.

It's just massive isn't it. To divorce over this. I did tell him today that it's appalling and that I would consider it, because his behaviour is making me dislike him and I don't want my kids growing up with parents who are always fighting and dislike each other. He said, ' ok so you want me to do more housework, basically '...

It's not even about that. It's about him, also considering my needs for a change. The way I consider him and his needs. ' oh he's tired, I'll put the kids to bed and let him chill. Oh he's had a long day, I'll clean up after dinner ' etc. whereas he knows I'm having a bad day and both kids are sick, yet be doesn't think- let me clear the table and clean the kitchen so when my wife comes downstairs in the morning, she doesn't also need to do that. Let me tidy up the living room before I take myself upstairs to chill, so it's nice and clean for us. Etc etc.. stuff like this doesn't cross his mind. He'll come down and just complain it's a mess ( when I don't do it ). I said we can't live like students, we need to keep tidying the place as we go along. He said we live like students because of the shit food I make for him !! Outrageous !

You need to stop cooking for him immediately after that comment about food. He doesn't like want you cook, he is free to make his own

You have 2 choices that are within your control

1. Put up with his shit
2. Leave him

If he isn't willing to do counselling, and he isn't willing to talk constructively and he isn't willing to pull his weight then these are your only options. You cannot force him to change. All you can do is change your circumstances.

Ultimately given how much of an arse he is being this probably isn't a question of whether you will leave him, but when. How much more bullshit do you want to put up with?

No op. It's not massive to divorce someone who is
Selfish
Lazy
Sexist
Thoughtless
Unkind
Mean
Setting a terrible example for children
Adds nothing to your life
Makes your life harder
Gets angry

My husband use to complain about the state of the house until the day my teenage daughter turned around and told him he was a huge hypocrite and that he had no right to complain about the state of the house when he does no housework and nothing to keep it tidy.

Did you husband move straight out of his mums house and in with you by any chance and your MIL use to do everything for him?

He isnt an equal partner in your life. He is no use with the children. He doesnt equally share the household chores. What use is be to you?

Obviously he does no night wake ups, even when he's here.
why is that obvious?

I would recommend therapy - and if he won’t do it - do it on your own and work out an exit strategy. His gaslighting and quite frankly abusive attitude is bound to be affecting you. And with 2 little ones it must be extremely difficult. Please speak to someone, you can do it online these days. Best of luck

“It's just massive isn't it. To divorce over this. I did tell him today that it's appalling and that I would consider it, because his behaviour is making me dislike him and I don't want my kids growing up with parents who are always fighting and dislike each other. He said, ' ok so you want me to do more housework, basically '...”

You would not be divorcing over housework, you would be divorcing over this:

“It's not even about that. It's about him, also considering my needs for a change. The way I consider him and his needs.”

LTB without further thought and don’t look back because you and your children deserve so much more than this selfish, lazy person who doesn’t love any of you enough to do better.

So true! Whenever my husband has a pop that I'm nagging, I remind him I wouldn't have to if he didn't give me something to nag about.

He is really disrespectful to you. What was his upbringing like? Does he have a misogynist father?

He is training you to be a doormat. When you attempt to stand up for yourself he is dismissive, insulting and gaslighting.

That isn't love. It is sad, as you don't want to end a marriage but I've never seen a situation like this improve, usually it gets worse and he could start to bring your dc into this "look how angry mum gets".

He is clearly lacking in empathy as a normal person can't ignore their loved one struggling. It's why you try for him, because you have empathy.

You may not be ready to leave him yet - would suggest you read a few books to help you understand why you can't change his behaviour. "Why does he do that" and "the verbally abusive relationship"

If you start to enforce boundaries be prepared for his behaviour to escalate so get yourself support - tell family and friends, consider counseling for yourself. Look into how life will be without him, house, income CMS (assume he will try to pay as little as possible) - would he be a present father or just EOW at best.

You didn't cause this, selfish narcisstic men usually show their behaviour when children come on the scene because they think you won't have options.

sounds like you are flogging a dead horse here.

He shouts when the kids wake him up at night. He calls you a nag. He doesn’t do basic cleaning but criticises the state of the house. He complains you don’t do everything for him. He moans about the dinners you make him.

Mate, raise your game. He sounds like an arse. Can you kick him out to go back to his parents?

There's nothing in it for him to change and it goes against his belief system. So he won't. At best he'll make a couple of vaugely encouraging noises to keep himself from imminently losing his servant, but talking or counselling won't result in a change that he doesn't want to make.

If you LTB, that's 25% ish less of the mess to take care of and cuts out the constant criticism and brewing resentment.

This.

Men don't get called nags. It's poisonously sexist and very calculated.

Divorce. He's a sulky manchild.

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this, I have my very own thread which is similar except I'm 10+ years on. I didn't make a big deal about it when kids were younger- for a mixture of reasons - similar to you - thinking I might be the problem/ thinking I'm just better at coping blah blah but honestly it's just him being selfish. It's like he sees his life as more important than yours.
I have had lots of therapy to try to understand why I accept it and am getting stronger but I am still here.

It takes two people to fix a marriage op. You can't do it on your own, and if he doesn't see there's an issue you're onto a none starter.

He has stepped out of family life and is acting like a single man.

My XH did this too, although to be fair to him he did load the dishwasher as l was too incompetent to do it properly have coped loading it since he left just fine!

The way he spoke and treated me completely killed any love l had for him and by the time he left, l didn't even like him as a person anymore.

It wasn't pleasant when we split but once I worked out that l could cope financially alone, l felt like a weight had lifted from the house (he moved out to OW).

5 years on life is so much better.

To divorce over this, you mean his total disrespect for you, shouting at your poorly children because they are walking him up, the fact he expects you to run around cleaning up after him. What is this teaching your children about relationships?

Why should she have to ask ?

Is just leave it. His mess. He can sort it.

*I'd

The examples you use are much worse than how you generally frame the issue, which is bad enough. If this is real (the examples seem so awful I can't quite believe it is) I would 1. Tell him I am going to divorce him unless there is a marked improvement in behaviour and attitude by end of January, and 2. Probably divorce him as he sounds terrible and it seems unlikely he'll change.

@Livingwithcrap also 10+ years down the line and mostly enjoying life.

OP, my DH was just like yours. He is better now (but still could improve significantly), but I think he realised how much he’d lose if he lost me…..seeing his kids daily and a live in slave. We are nowhere close to 50:50, but improving slowly. The baby years are the worst. Doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been up at night they are always more tired. They are oblivious to mess, and anything they do do is a half hearted job (even today DH idea of clearing up means putting 80% of the dishes in the dishwasher and never wiping the table). On MN there are some mystical DH who apparently do pull their weight- they aren’t married to anyone I know.
only you can divide whether you can put up with this or need to leave.

OP I’ve just read all your posts. Sounds just like my life was. Your biggest card is the fact that financially you don’t need him. You’ll read so many posts on MN from women who are stuck because they can’t leave for financial reasons.
His comment ‘so you just want me to do more housework?’. Yes. That would be a start. If he does more house work he’ll see a happier you and a happier you will make a happier him.
I totally get that it’s WAY more than just housework, but atm you are so exhausted there is no room in your brain for anything other than resentment. If he can just pull some extra weight it will give your brain a break and things might improve.
some men don’t want to though.
I’ve been there. I really feel for you x