Keeps calling me a nag/ communication breaking down

[gahst]

We are both stressed. We have two small kids. I'm on leave, he's away frequently for work and pretty much doesn't do any looking after them, because he isn't here enough. When he is here, he's very irritated by it all. Like he cannot catch a break at all.

We end up fighting about it all the time. Obviously he does no night wake ups, even when he's here. I sometimes ( when he's on holiday ) ask him to help a bit with nights, but he's extremely irritated about it.

When I try to bring this up, communication breaks down, he calls me a nag, to leave him alone etc. it's very frustrating. How can I communicate without nagging? I said to him this morning that I wish he showed me half the consideration I show him. Apparently that's nagging and I need to leave him alone.

Frustrated ! I am tried too.

I'm not saying anything that others haven't OP but having read through your posts I think his behaviour is absolutely fucking outrageous.
Why do his needs trump yours? And calling you a 'nag' is the last resort of a lazy, entitled arsehole.
The road to realisation is the shittiest one and often we stay in certain circumstances longer than we should because it's the path of least resistance.
I've never said this but LTB and enjoy your life without him.

FFS. I see this all the time and I'm sick if it. Men think marriage is going to be cooked meals, housekeeping and sex on tap then get all pissy when the kids come along and steal all that lovely attention that was theirs. So they return to the single life and don't think about the mess they've been "saddled with"

Nothing much to add but I'm sorry your husband is a prick.

It's not unreasonable to want someone to proactively be a decent human being. He would rather you nag than do it. For him, the cost of a live in cook and cleaner is worth a bit of nagging. Which he easily resolves by telling you what you want to hear until you go away or calling you a nag. Rinse and repeat.

I couldn't be doing the extra effort and stress of dragging the horse to water and trying to force it to drink.

Suspect you will stay with him though as you'll wait until he works away again and tell yourself you're overreacting, put up with it when he is home and generally make excuses for staying in the relationship until the relationship until the kids are self sufficient. If you are going to this at least be honest with yourself that you dont really want to make a change by reinforcing boundaries and youd rather staying he relationship even if he behaves appallingly. Hen you can make peace with it and save yourself years of stress. Just make an active choice and stick with it.

Op leave him, he won’t change, he might change for a few days but fundamentally he won’t.

I was in the same situation a few years ago and I look back on it now and my only regrets is I didn’t leave earlier, that I wasted all that time trying to work things out. Looking after his needs while he literally did nothing.
He doesn’t value you, he doesn’t care about you. He’s lazy and a slob and is treating you like hired help.

His comment when you mentioned leaving you shows he choosing to to dismiss you, and devalue you and not listen to you.

yes he’s tired, and works away, we’re all tired, and all find it hard to catch a breath. I’m sure you feel the same, doesn’t mean we get to be nasty to the person we are meant to love and care for.

Don’t go down the route of not cooking him dinner, or washing his clothes, or piling all his shit up in a corner, it just causes more resentment and conflict.

You have two choices- leave, or more of the same.

i’m sorry you are in this situation.

The examples you give are awful OP. Most are a shocking level of laziness and distain, but shouting for being woken up because both his children are poorly is really fucking nasty, made even worse that he's on leave ATM (having work the next day still would not make his behaviour acceptable, but it is a whole new level of selfishness when he's at home the next day any way).

As for the 'nagging' comment, I have been both the giver and receiver of nags, for both big and small stuff, over the years. It has always been the result of weight not being pulled or reasonable timescales not being adhered to (I can be guilty of the latter as I struggle with a level of procrastination over admin tasks that frustrates me, let alone DH!).

I think given you have already suggested counselling (unsuccessfully) and finances aren't an issue, I would tell him you want to divorce and ask him to go. There is a miniscule chance this will be the kick up the backside he needs, but it doesn't feel likely. It sounds like you will have less to do with less stress and a happier household, even if he refuses to ever have the DCs. Any contact time with him they do have will be a huge bonus over the nonexistent levels of childcare he does currently. He is bringing nothing positive to yours or DCs' lives ATM and won't change.

ok so you want me to do more housework, basically

or you could word this as no I want you to pull your weight and treat our relationship like a team rather than me doing everything whilst you have a nap

Yes he just minimises it using that kind of language.

He'll say, all this drama you're creating, just because you want me to do more housework.

Or he'll say. ' ok fine, you won't be happy until I do everything. So you want me to go to work and then come home and look after the kids and cook and clean as well' ' you want me to do everything '.

This. You need to go big on this or don’t bother.

He's not actually listening to you is he? My husband is the same and it is so annoying. Ultimately you deserve to be happy and have your needs met.

At which point you calmly counter by explaining that he currently does nothing, and there is a whole range of Something between Everything and Nothing. He is hoping to shut down the conversation by making you feel unreasonable. You are not unreasonable! (Although you are on a hiding to nothing with this lazy nasty git, and I can't see how the marriage is save-able)

Is he incredibly rich? Has he got a gold plated penis? Does he look like Thor?

There’s nothing likeable let alone lovable about him so why are you still with him?

You don’t rely on him financially so why are you still with such a horrendous role model for your kids?

Completely understand why physically, emotionally or financially abused women stay in awful relationships but can’t for the life of me understand why seemingly intelligent women who are not suffering abuse put up with this crap or moan about it without taking any action.

@Mumsanetta I don't think it's as simple as you make out unfortunately.

Op are you scared of him?
are you walking on eggshells?

@Freddiefox I've been through similar. Ultimately it was DH that walked, but frankly he did me a favour.

Life will be so much easier without him, granted this will take time as it's different. I'm a few months down the line and still adjusting, mine was abusive as well but it took us separating for me to realise this.

@Mumsanetta it's really not that easy as what you say

Sorry I meant to @gahst not @Freddiefox!

It can be. It really can be.

You can stay and put up with it and spend the next 10 years of your life utterly miserable and losing sight of the person you used to be. You can stay and let the kids see it and mirror it and grow up to have the same relationships. Or you can leave.

You get one shot at life and you really don't have to waste it with a pathetic man.

LTB.
Sorry, but there's no way to negotiate with someone who thinks all of this is woman's work.

It absolutely can be. It was for me. Think about WHY you are staying. And if it's simply for the 'shame' of divorce- then, leave. Honestly. It's been marvellous for me. Everyone is happier. Me absolutely. My kids absolutely. Even my ex I think, not that I care!

1. if his job is really causing him this much stress and anger, he needs to think about whether it’s the right job. Does he want to feel like this until he retires?
2. if not the job, there could be other unarticulated emotional issues here. Have you asked him why he’s so angry all the time? Does he not like being married or having children?

OP, you are experiencing a form of abuse. The way he uses language is to emotionally and psychologically abuse you.

You sound conscientious, hard working, agreeable, understanding, kind. How possible would it be to change these things about you? Some people with these traits are sadly targeted by people with the opposite traits, like your husband who is entitled, chronically self-centred and very willing to see you as someone who ought to work to meet his needs. Just as you are unlikely to be able to change your nature, he is extremely unlikely to change his. He is not just a 'slightly selfish husband', he probably has a brain pathology that cannot be fixed. Sadly this will impact your children but the best thing you can do is create one safe, loving, respect home for your children, without the influences of this damaged person. You will need to face to to the reality of your situation, it is really tough. But, if you continue to stay living with this man the experience of accepting his awful treatment of you while also knowing you don't deserve it, will take a toll on you. Some individuals will persist in these situations for years without realizing their is a cost - one of which is that it impacts your cognitive functioning, so increasingly you lose your capacity to make decisions confidently and back yourself. If you think about it, it makes sense, humans are not designed to live under ongoing stress for long periods of time - this is what can cause CPTSD, which is not pleasant and hard to recover from, as well as health issues. Living like this with this damaged person will also have a similar impact on your children. You possibly already are living with the impact of this man's constant devaluing of you, but please consider that it becomes harder to leave the longer you stay - not easier. Your children deserve you to be as healthy as possible, and you deserve a good life, so please seriously look into contacting Women's Aid, finding resources that help you understand abuse and start getting support specifically for making a plan for how you might leave this very destructive arrangement you are in. You are the only one who can make this decision but you can start gathering information to know how it would work for you to leave, so that if you continue to stay you are well informed about ALL your options.

I said to him this morning that I wish he showed me half the consideration I show him. Apparently that's nagging and I need to leave him alone.

You've tried words and it didn't work. Show him with your actions that relationships are 2 way. Stop showing him so much consideration and if he complains about it tell him he is nagging you and ge left you no choice by refusing to discuss when you were the one feeling hard done by. It will preserve your sanity at least. Why pour all your energy into making someone happy who doesn't care about your happiness?

Op your dp has no respect for you whatsoever. He appears to despise
you. He doesn’t even seem to love his own children. I don’t have anything more to add except to say I would bet money that if you stay you will not be happy.

Great post...

If he lived alone he'd still have to work and do cooking, washing and cleaning.

I don't know. We talked some more and I was called the biggest moaner in the world and just completely ignored. I completely lost it. I just get so so so angry when I'm trying to come up with solutions, but feel like it's just falling on deaf ears.

I suggested we need to get more help if he's not available/ needs to do his own stuff / wants a break. He's just silent or said ' ok fine, let's waste all of our money on having help 24/7. Ok fine, so you want help every day then ? You want someone to help you every day ? '... we definitely have the money to spend on it. It's not the issue. He's not willing to come up with any other strategies of how to make things better and it's very frustrating.

I don't know where to go from here.