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AIBU?

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Original poster

Keeps calling me a nag/ communication breaking down

109 replies

gahst · 18/12/2022 11:18

We are both stressed. We have two small kids. I'm on leave, he's away frequently for work and pretty much doesn't do any looking after them, because he isn't here enough. When he is here, he's very irritated by it all. Like he cannot catch a break at all.

We end up fighting about it all the time. Obviously he does no night wake ups, even when he's here. I sometimes ( when he's on holiday ) ask him to help a bit with nights, but he's extremely irritated about it.

When I try to bring this up, communication breaks down, he calls me a nag, to leave him alone etc. it's very frustrating. How can I communicate without nagging? I said to him this morning that I wish he showed me half the consideration I show him. Apparently that's nagging and I need to leave him alone.

Frustrated ! I am tried too.

OP posts:
Original poster
gahst · 18/12/2022 12:05

jeaux90 · 18/12/2022 12:02

You are not his support human.

He is a father and has responsibilities beyond his job.

Honestly I'd want to split.

Do you earn enough to sustain your situation? The house is it joint ownership or rented?

Yeah all that stuff isn't an issue.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 18/12/2022 12:08

Nothing you have said sounds unreasonable. It sounds like not only is he offering you no support but he is actually making your life harder by creating additional work for you to do. In your shoes I would be looking to leave him. In the meantime stop doing things for him; stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry, stop tidying up after him etc as much as you can. He needs to stop expecting you to be his mother!

Newlifestartingatlast · 18/12/2022 12:09

I think you have to go on strike. Do nothing for him. Do nothing that is not essential for you and the kids.
if you cook do not make a portion for him.
Do not do his laundry. Do not clean up after his mess.
Do not dust / vacuum unless it becomes a health issue.
Get a large washing up bowl- put everything he leaves out after he preps his meals into it . Put it on top of his shoes, coat or somewhere where he’d have to move it to do what he wants. Or even dump in his car.
if needs be start using disposable plates for you and kids.

do not negotiate in arguments or name calling. Walk away. The first time just simply state when he stops calling you names, insulting you and is ready to discuss how to properly divide up housework you will talk with him. Then walk away.

f that fails after 2 weeks then you need to walk away from the marriage

Octo5 · 18/12/2022 12:11

So you are there to feed him, wash his clothes, clean up after him and for sex.

If you dare ask him to pitch in then he calls you a nag.

He sounds like a complete dick and I’m shocked you’ve put up with this for so long.

Start from now.
Tell him that he can make the dinner today as you did it yesterday.
Tell him that the washing also needs doing.

If he starts calling you a nag tell him that you are not his mum and he’s a full grown adult who is capable of pulling his own weight.
If he’s not happy with the situation then he can leave.

No more being a pushover.
He’s calling you a nag to shut you up.
Ignore him.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 18/12/2022 12:14

Tell him you want a divorce because life with your children will be easier and more pleasant without him being around. Arrange an appointment with a solicitor now for the new year because they are always very busy in January!

Whitwhit · 18/12/2022 12:15

gahst · 18/12/2022 12:04

@Whitwhit I have really tried talking to him so many times in so many ways. It just doesn't get through.

He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong, always. Like I'm always chasing him around on his time off and he can't catch a breaks I honestly just don't know where to go from here. I find it hard to actually like him / have a nice time with him because I feel really betrayed by his behaviour. At the same time another part of me thinks that maybe I am the problem. I guess that's why I stay. I think maybe I am unreasonable.

Bollocks he can’t ‘catch a break’ - it’s sounds like you’re doing everything.
Is he helping out with the kids? Certainly not at night from what you’ve posted here.
What about at weekends?
What does he do around the house?
What admin stuff does he do?
Does he do school runs?
Does he do the shopping?
Etc etc….
Or does it ALL fall to you.

From what you’ve posted it most definitely does not sound like you’re the problem. In fact, the reverse.

WorrieaboutFIL · 18/12/2022 12:29

Straight out of the misogyny playbook. He's done a right number on you if he's convinced you that you're the problem. What happens when the kids start noticing? Do you think they'll learn about healthy relationships by observing you both?

WorrieaboutFIL · 18/12/2022 12:30

Also FWIW my ex told me I was 'too soft' and let him away with too much. I think you need to take action (not words). A strike/trial separation or something is all that gets through to these types.

dreamingbohemian · 18/12/2022 12:33

I can't believe you're still cooking for him when he's being so awful to you! Stop doing that for a start.

Original poster
gahst · 18/12/2022 12:35

He's unhappy with me. Feels hard done by, because I complain and don't do everything for him at all times and I rope him in to take part.

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 18/12/2022 12:37

Until you teach him he won't learn. Never mind taking part - he should be doing it by himself.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2022 12:39

gahst · 18/12/2022 12:35

He's unhappy with me. Feels hard done by, because I complain and don't do everything for him at all times and I rope him in to take part.

And, are you unhappy with him? (Clue, you should be, because he's horrible).

VladmirsPoutine · 18/12/2022 13:26

InFiveMins · 18/12/2022 12:03

It really doesn't sound like he's bringing anything positive to your life, at all. Are you considering leaving him? Are you able to? Personally I'd start trying to find a way out.

This is really the long and short of it. I couldn't live like this and if you're not already resentful you soon will be. Years later the bitterness will sweep in.

Wombat27A · 18/12/2022 13:30

Seriously, bin him off. This won't end with DC, you'll be doing all the work in retirement too. Things don't change.

TheShellBeach · 18/12/2022 13:34

Would he agree to going to counselling so that you could explore all this in a safe space and see where you get to?
I am not saying it will change anything but if you think the relationship is worth saving it might be a starting point.

On the other hand you might just think that splitting up is the only way forward for you. As you do all the childcare anyway, would it make a lot of difference?

Do you still love him? If not, it is time to part.

Original poster
gahst · 18/12/2022 13:37

TheShellBeach · 18/12/2022 13:34

Would he agree to going to counselling so that you could explore all this in a safe space and see where you get to?
I am not saying it will change anything but if you think the relationship is worth saving it might be a starting point.

On the other hand you might just think that splitting up is the only way forward for you. As you do all the childcare anyway, would it make a lot of difference?

Do you still love him? If not, it is time to part.

Doesn't want to go to counselling. I would.

OP posts:
PeaceJoySleep · 18/12/2022 13:38

own being a nag. I'd say YES I'm nagging, you put me in this situation of having to nag you because you didn't listen when I asked for help or care when you watch me do it all alone and as bad as that is, to boot, you call me a nag.

I wouldn't fear splitting up for a lazy manipulative man like this. Get back to work and if you're working from home hopefully you can manage it. Put the wind up his sails by showing a total lack of fear of NO maintenance, tell him it's the freedom you want. Tell him he can have the DC 3 and a half days per week and you won't fight him.

he might have a bit of a re-think, if you can be arsed with it.

PeaceJoySleep · 18/12/2022 13:40

gahst · 18/12/2022 12:35

He's unhappy with me. Feels hard done by, because I complain and don't do everything for him at all times and I rope him in to take part.

Ah, so he's looking for a woman to take on 100% of the sacrifices, lose 100% of the freedom and be HAPPY about that.

Yeh, there are so many women like that out there and he was so unlucky to get stuck with you. Poor man.

Imogensmumma · 18/12/2022 14:01

gahst · 18/12/2022 11:42

Just to give an example to the type of behaviour that annoys me. Maybe I'm too much, I don't know...
He's off for Christmas now.. so no work for a few weeks. Baby and toddler ill. I tended to both all night. He came in screaming that he couldn't sleep a couple of times.

I gave both breakfast etc this morning. He came down had his breakfast and has left everything he used out and about on the table. In addition to this, I cooked for him last night ( of course ) and the pots and pans are also still out, as well as all the dirty dishes. He just left them on the side. No worry in the world. So not only is the mess of this morning out, his mess from last night is also out. He plonked himself on the sofa for a bit, watching TV really loudly. No concern about all the mess he could clear up, but won't. Now he's disappeared for an hour upstairs. He will not tidy up or even consider doing it. If I say something, he will tell me potentially to shut up and stop nagging him. What kind of adult behaves like this ?

Your ex-husband acts like this!!!

seriously you can have my first LTB he is disrespecting you and being a poor role model to your DC.

Even if you and DC left and moved to a smaller home you would still be doing these chores but not cleaning and getting resentful tidying after someone else!

I mean not putting your breakfast stuff away and expecting someone else to is so cave man

unsync · 18/12/2022 14:08

Why are you still with him? How does he enrich your life? Why are you still doing stuff for him? This man sounds unattractive.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/12/2022 14:47

Hi OP

Having read your updates you have to leave. His level of disrespect is astounding. My husband works away sometimes and when he is home he picks up more (school runs etc.) as he is aware that I've been doing his share as well as mine when he has been away.

What kind of father screams about being woken up in the night, when he is leaving his wife to care for two poorly kids alone???

Leaving his stuff for you to clear up is just infuriating.

You've tried talking to him about it repeatedly. You've suggested counselling. It's only you trying to solve this. He doesnt want to because he likes the way things are and think it's fair that you do 100% of house and childcare because you're female.

It doesnt sound like a marriage it sounds like you've got a teenager in your house that just makes your life harder.

Just leave. It's that or put up with it, because he wont change.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/12/2022 14:48

And it's really sad that you are asking if it's you...that shows how much his disrespect is affecting your self esteem

EVHead · 18/12/2022 14:58

Fuck this.

You’re not his mum.

“I’m never here” is bullshit because evidently he is there, but thinks his job gives him a free pass to do as he likes.

When do you get time to do what you want? Like watch TV or disappear for an hour?

If he was living alone he’d need to do washing up etc. Why does he think he doesn’t need to do anything now?

It’s shape up or ship out time.

jwpetal · 18/12/2022 16:32

The issue is that you are both parents and are both busy and stressed. I am shocked that he yelled at your for getting woken by small children. You do not have to shoulder this nor is it your soul responsibility to solve. You do have to decide what you want and be willing to make hard decisions if he cannot meet what are family matters. Do this before you completely lose yourself.

piedbeauty · 18/12/2022 16:46

I'd leave him. What a misogynistic bellend. You deserve someone who is considerate to you, who loves you and the kids, and who is willing to pull his weight. That's not your 'partner'. What a waste of space.