Keeps calling me a nag/ communication breaking down

[gahst]

We are both stressed. We have two small kids. I'm on leave, he's away frequently for work and pretty much doesn't do any looking after them, because he isn't here enough. When he is here, he's very irritated by it all. Like he cannot catch a break at all.

We end up fighting about it all the time. Obviously he does no night wake ups, even when he's here. I sometimes ( when he's on holiday ) ask him to help a bit with nights, but he's extremely irritated about it.

When I try to bring this up, communication breaks down, he calls me a nag, to leave him alone etc. it's very frustrating. How can I communicate without nagging? I said to him this morning that I wish he showed me half the consideration I show him. Apparently that's nagging and I need to leave him alone.

Frustrated ! I am tried too.

If he's not going to change or at least improve, then you'll be battling like this for the remainder of your marriage. Seems to me that he doesn't see you as worthy and isn't interested in family life. Sorry if that's harsh, but you're trying to make it work and he isn't.

I really think that he thinks I don't support him enough and that I'm not doing my job well enough.

I think he thinks that his life would be so much easier if I was just a better wife. ( the way he imagines a wife should be ). But I never ever ever made out I was going to be that kind of wife before we got married and I didn't get the impression that he expected me to be like that either. I thought he knew I wasn't going to be completely subservient and serving him and just completely killing myself for him and the kids. I was always a career woman with a cleaner etc and got loads of takeaways. I refused to clean up after him.

Leave the kids with him and put your phone on silent and go out for the day op.

He will either realise just how hard a typical day is or he will send you abuse when you tell him to enjoy his day and to make sure he has completed x, y and z.

If he sends you the abuse, you know you need to leave him.

It doesn't sound like an equal partnership, not that I'm in an equal partnership and I definitely do more but my husband would never speak to me like that.

@gahst it's so awful. He is just an arse. What does he expect you to do that you're not doing? What is his idea of the perfect wife? Do you have any 'nice' time together?

I'm kind of in the same situation as you. It's tearing me apart. I don't think I have any choice but to split up with him. I do think that I possibly am at fault because I seem to have people walking all over me generally and I'm really not sure how I've ended up here

He needs a reality check. Having kids is a second job and hard work for BOTH parents. Nobody gets their own time with kids under five, I reckon! I’m still looking for some and mine are way older. Also, it’s my view that work is central for happiness for both partners. That makes it harder not easier, but encourages mutual respect and less navel gazing.

He needs to address this now before you go back and it all implodes. Write him a letter. Ask a friend to talk to him. Book counselling. Anything but don’t implode your life like people on here advocate. Plan weekly meals on a chart, stick a chore planner up on the fridge, have it all documented so he gets the idea now. Act like you mean business.

This is great advice but for me it just seems really one sided having to write lists and stuff it feels very parent v child behaviour and then it's just unattractive

Sorry, but I think your relationship is doomed. He won't change because he has everything he wants except your silence. He doesn't want to go to counselling because that would be an admission that something is wrong, and because he knows the councillor will tell him to act like a man and pull his weight.

Your resentment of his dismissing anything you ask of him will grow. It will kill your physical relationship, because no-one wants to do that with someone they resent. It's so unattractive. You will be constantly tired, undervalued and treated increasingly like a mother. You effectively have three children already. The kids will grow up believing that this is what a mariage looks like.

Get out before it all just grinds you down and overwhelms you. You can't change him, only he can do that, and he doesn't want to. He's proven that to you.

There have been many, many threads on here and in Relationships where women have posted their regrets at staying in the same situation, hoping it will get better (when the kids are older, when he matures, when....) and it never did. Don't waste your life.

Sorry.

His response is designed to shut you down or provoke an unreasonable response. It's despicable.

I'd divorce him. But if you really don't want to you can try:

When (state things you see - facts)
I feel (your own emotions)
Because (shared values)
Please (actions - achieve able and time limited)

When I've cooked dinner for everyone and breakfast for the kids and the dishes are there hours later, I feel sad and angry. Because I want us to be a team as a family. Please do the dishes before the next meal when I've cooked.

It's VERY simple but VERY tricky. When has to be just facts, I feel just emotions not judgement, Because has to be your own values and Please needs to be specific and natural. The below is doing it wrong:

When you ignore the dishes I feel disrespected because you're treating the place like a hotel. Please just stop being so lazy and mean.

And BTW I consider the word 'nag' to be a sexist word which is directed at women to shut them up. I hate it much more than the word 'cunt'. I would genuinely divorce DH if he used it more than once. He'd get one warning, because I'm a delight.