To ask if you expect your family childcare to look after your sick child?

[Diploessence]

If it’s something like covid/ Strep A/ Norovirus?

For general coughs and colds I don’t think it would matter, but for something a bit more nasty, would you expect and call upon your family childcare (e.g your mum) to look after your sick child? Would you be annoyed if they said no?

He said that looking after a sick child is part and parcel of providing childcare and she’s not much use to us if she won’t provide it when DC is ill.
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I said that’s the wrong attitude and thah asking people to look after your sick child and put their own health at risk is selfish and entitled, but then that just sums SIL up to be honest.

So he is slating your family who have kindly offered to provide childcare and in return you are slating his who have a family childcare arrangement that works for them. You both sound lovely, is this how you always deal with your own differences of opinion, by running down others?

I said I would feel guilty leaving her with anyone when she's sick. I'm at a loss as to how you have managed to take personal offence from that.

It's great if you don't feel that guilt! I wish I didn't trust me, would make my life so much easier! But the fact I do feel that, doesn't make me any less or any more of a parent than someone who doesn't. And I never implied it did. 🤷‍♀️

We are all different and my feeling is as valid as yours. No need for the level of defensiveness.

I refuse to feel guilt for leaving my dc safe and happy with people who love them and I know will look after them well.

Equally, I refuse to apologise for feeling that guilt 🤷‍♀️

We are all different, after all. Neither is the "right" way and no one has suggested it is. Just different yet equally valid ways of parenting.

It’s not just about it being part and parcel of being a parent - it’s about the children themselves and what they need. Depending on your family set up of course, when they are feeling poorly surely most want mum or dad - or primary carers - looking after them, that gives them the best comfort.

Just wondering, but has there been a discussion about which GP should have your DC? It's just that if his mother has offered, but you prefer to use yours the "not much use" comment gains some context.

So you’re already using your mum for free childcare which is entitled enough, but he also wants her to look after your child when they’re ill.

Why doesn’t he want to look after his own child when they’re ill? Grandparents are great, but most children want their parents when they’re ill, not granny or grandad.

My DC went to my Dad 2 days pw when they were small. The care was sometimes unconventional but they were safe and loved and happy. They were fine with Grandad when ill. They considered GPs and parents interchangeable at that age, frankly. And my dad would have been offended if we thought he shouldn't have them when they were ill.

It would depend:

Covid - no way
Noro - not a chance
Diagnosed contagious disease - probably but only after the infectious period had passed
Other illnesses - eg post vaccination or a bad tooth or general “poorlyness” for a baby - probably yes

And the circumstances would change my answer:
Regular childcare slot - more likely, especially if they were already there when the child showed signs of illness (probably caught it already etc)
Specially coming to help - less likely
Help in hospital (eg back up for a few hours to keep sanity allow a shower) - once child is starting to recover

I don’t have childcare from parents. But no. I wouldn’t send my child knowingly sick. Especially with fevers etc. in fact my mum has asked me to not take my children round if any of us are feeling hnwell

however I also have a really rare disease. Sickness bugs kill 84% of us. So I can’t be around my children when they start throwing up and if my husband is away my mum comes round. Because it’s better if she catches it than me.

life can be proper shit sometimes.

Nope I think it’s quit selfish. If someone is working I can understand if it’s something like chicken pox which the family member has had already and the child is generally well it might be okay if the childcare provider was ok with it. If it’s just so the parent can go out and get drunk it’s downright selfish to both the family member and child. I know someone that does it frequently to an elderly relative who has serious underlying medical conditions. It’s often so they can go party and even when the child is not well enough to be anywhere but in there own bed it still happens. The elderly relative ends up sick generally after it.

COVID and Noro are the only things we do childcare for (tho he can go to school with COVID now, so if he was okay we wouldn't even keep him home) other times he goes to school or my parents. My parents aren't vulnerable and likely had him within 24hours of symptoms starting anyway. It's like chicken pox, we can't take two weeks off to keep him off if he's fine in himself.

I think it needs to be up to MIL we could reasonably be grandparents in our late 40 or early 50s. It's more likely we will be at stages in our careers where we can work home or say we aren't coming in today than DS will be so would happily have any grandkids infected or not.

Nope, would not do this, same as I wouldn't send them to school/nursery/childminder.

Surely it's down to each family to Dec what works best? As long as communication is open and everyone can express if they are uncomfortable?

When I'm of mine has been ill, I've often taken a day off to be sure if it's serious. But my eldest is prone to eat infections and may need calpol/cuddles for a day before she's back at school and my mum has always been happy to stick on a Disney film. One of my little oneoften goes south pretty quick though, and has had a number of hospital trips, so I wouldn't want to leave him.

I assume your MIL can speak up if uncomfortable? If not, then it is your responsibility not to put her in an uncomfortable position. Your SIL is not your responsibility.

@LindaEllen

Yes, I am always curious as to how all children with an upset stomach on MN definitely have norovirus.

I mean some of them may do, but where/how do you get this diagnosed?

As I understand it, it's pretty hard to even get a phone consultation with a GP these days (I'm not in the UK) so who is doing all this testing for norovirus, and how do the results come back so quickly?

Whatever happened to "a bit of a dodgy tummy"?

Your DH is a wanker. Family are not your employees and can offer the level of support they feel comfortable with. As others have said, nurseries and other childcare providers will refuse to look after a sick child too. The phrase entitled prick comes to mind.

I think this is a balance between "oh your child is sick, please take as much time as you want" and "please try and arrange to share childcare with the other parent" (I'm a lone parent so yes I know this is not possible in many cases).
You are employed to do a job, employers can't just absorb parents being off with sick kids. If you can't get childcare then you'll still be taking emergency leave.

We really only ask for non-medical emergencies (eg power cut at nursery etc) or when it is clear illness is no longer infectious/not infectious at all (eg post-jab, when they aren't 100% and you would rather they were out of nursery)

So he expects free childcare from your mum, and for your vulnerable dad to be put at risk when your child is ill? Seriously? What a peach he is.

And yes, let him see that paying through the nose is going to mean that one of you is going to be looking after your child even more often. GP's are often happy to have kids once they're getting over something, while a nursery or CM won't. And a Grandparent is unlikely to phone you at work to get you to pick your kid up because 'they're bit pink'.

How do men like this get women to marry them?

A sick child with communicable illness needs to be looked after by their parents.

Your DH sounds like a total prick.

Your husband is being unreasonable here. Saying that if his mum is OK with it he probably feels thats the norm! Nurseries have strict rules about illness .D and V can be very dangerous in older people as well likewise colds and flu. His Mum may be strong and fit now,but not all older people are!

He said that looking after a sick child is part and parcel of providing childcare

He seems to think you're both doing her the favour here, not the other way round.

I wouldn't ask. But my mum would certainly still offer and wouldn't mind. But she is fairly young not high risk

No
I did have my mum help me for a couple of hours this week as my 8yo had a bad cold & I had to work out of the house but I made my mum stay downstairs & my DD stay in bed. I wouldn't do it with anything more serious though.

Re your husbands comments....your DM is helping you with childcare which is great but would you send your child to a nursery/childminder if they are poorly? I think your DH is being a bit unreasonable with his thought process especially given your dads situation.

There are too many variables to be a straight forward yes or no
my mum always insisted lucky enough we only really had to usual cough colds and bugs
depends on illness and how your mum feels and how accommodating work are