To ask if you expect your family childcare to look after your sick child?

[Diploessence]

If it’s something like covid/ Strep A/ Norovirus?

For general coughs and colds I don’t think it would matter, but for something a bit more nasty, would you expect and call upon your family childcare (e.g your mum) to look after your sick child? Would you be annoyed if they said no?

No, I wouldn’t want to make anyone else sick. It’s tough if you have work to juggle but for anything more than a cold I wouldn’t expect anyone else to deal with my kids.

Would probably suggest you tell him to appreciate the free childcare...

A paid childcare setting would not have your child with a fever for 48 hours, or a bad belly for 48 hours, nor a list of named illnesses. Oh and you'll continue paying them whilst being on unpaid leave from work!

Personally I would try to give unpaid childcare less chance of illness than a paid for setting, them helping you in such a huge way would be a shame for them to only be paid in colds/tummy bugs etc! My mum does 2 hours a week for me when I work lates and nursery is closed but I don't ask when mine has a cold even though he would be at nursery, as I just don't want to put her off that help she gives and I don't want to make her unwell with the bug when she's not even paid!

Definately just feel fortunate and appreciate any unpaid childcare you receive

Who said SIL doesn’t like me and given that this is the first post that I’ve mentioned her why would it be tiresome?

I wasn’t even going to mention SIL but another poster said they needed context and this dilemma does involve SIL loosely as it’s her model with MIL that has given DH the idea that this is normal and anything else is less than committed which I find worrying.

See I grew up where we lived 3+ hours from extended family. Now I live in that city (but my DAunts/Uncles all still worked when Dd was young, and my 3 DGPs were vulnerable and very elderly and great to visit but not up to managing childcare so not available even if I'd thought it a solution) - road improvements (motorway, towns bypassed), mean it's only 2.5 hours away fromDPs/DMIL. But I have still never asked them for childcare when DD was I'll. that was on DH and I to sort and we managed it my juggling diaries, 1 going in very early, doing a lunchtime swop and the other working late, and both catching up at home when Dd was in bed. Person at home may or may not have got some things done but childcare was their priority.

This was for Dd who is now 17, so before WFH was really a thing. But between using some A/L and lots of juggling, and having good relationships at work so they knew we would get what was needed done and catch up when we could - we got through it.

Of course not. You can't send a sick child into nursery or school, that is the responsibility of the parents to take time off work or miss a social event to be there for the child. That is what being a parent is. You are extremely lucky to have any family provide childcare at all. Your husband is entitled and ridiculous either that attitude and comes across as really uncaring.

My Nan looked after me through childhood when ill with coughs, colds, chicken pox, measles, etc. (she'd had the latter too).

But my mum wouldn't ask her for sickness, tummy bugs type things.

Personally I keep my kids well away from my mum and dad if they are I'll with anything more than a very mild snuffly cold as dad is vulnerable. Anything else is selfish.

Just out of interest, OP. Why does your husband not see it as yours and his responsibility to care for your own sick child? Like the rest of us have to do who pay approved childcare providers? Is his job too Big and Important to have time off with a sick child? 🙄🙄

This. Even if I had a very important/big meeting at work I would cancel.

No, I wouldn't want my family to get ill.

If you dh is so bothered he can enrol them and pay for nursery
Wish him well with his search for one which will take your child even when they are sick

Looking after sick kids is not part of childcare. No Nanny I've ever had has worked if the children are sick - mainly because they also look after other children, but this is usually something worked out in a contract. Are you going to be paying your DM for this service? Unless your mother lives in the same household and will be exposed to the family bugs anyway I think it's an unreasonable expectation and unfair on everyone. Your DH sounds rather entitled to your mother's time and like he couldn't care less about her health. I hope she's got her head screwed on and lays down some ground rules about what she will and will not do & that you both respect that.

No I wouldn't but my mother will happily look after my nephew when he's ill (even if that means my kids can't go to hers on the same day). Drives me insane.

The point in your case @Diploessence , is that your husband needs to understand that your mum will be acting like a child minder would - you wouldn’t send a sick child to a child minder so you don’t send it to your mum . If his mum is happy to look after sick kids that is her business .

You keep your child at home if they are contagious, regardless of the type of childcare you are using. If you were using a nursery and you sent a sick child in they would call you to come and collect them. It’s not fair on the staff or the other children.

Interesting to read the responses.
I work at a GP surgery and the amount of vitriol we receive if any of our doctors/nurses are off to look after their sick children and appointments need to be cancelled or we have fewer appointments to offer is very unpleasant.
I suspect there's some cognitive dissonance here and people would also be annoyed if their children's teachers were off for a week to look after their child.

It sounds like you’ll have a situation where you have a sick child, you don’t want to send them to your mum but he does and so it will ALWAYS be you that has to take time off work. Some children are ill a lot…

YANBU but way more people think like your DH than are posting here. I’ve a friend who works in a nursery and she has a daily nightmare with parents dosing kids up on calpol, sending them in absolutely chocka with infection, and then refusing to come and collect because they need to work and they’re sure if more calpol is given…….

A lot of people are really selfish these days.

I think it depends, I would never expect and let DM/MIL know when DS is unwell as they both provide regular childcare, DM still works so I'd be worried about her then begging time off work, however she worked in childcare and ran a nursery for 25 years so get immune system is very hardy! She's also quite dismissive and says oh don't be silly I'll be fine if course I'll have him. She even offered when he had COVID but I said no. My mum is early sixties, fit and active.
MIL I would with normal illness, but she's not great in an emergency and can be a bit irregular with giving medication etc (in the past when he's had anti biotics) so if DS was very ill one of us would have him. He has gone there this weekend with a cold and a slight temperature we told get in advance and were more than happy to keep him home. FIL has sent us pictures including a couple of thermometer ones and he's actually much better and they've had a nice weekend. She's also only sixty very fit, active, horsey, gym goer and is retired.
If we had older grandparents who weren't as robust I'd feel differently.

I think be careful of judging before you have tried it. At face value, no of course you can't expect. But when you have had a child catch illness after illness, you're running on empty with zero A/L left, you have a big work deadline and are desperate to win a bid to keep 12 of your team employed next year... in real life if you're conscientious, or under pressure at work, as most of us are, then sometimes it doesn't feel like much of a choice and it's proportionate to ask. I know my mum has had my sick child once or twice and it had been a huge help.

Of course people can also be entitled CFs. But judging someone else before you've been in the situation yourself is a bit like judging your friends for letting their toddler watch TV, before yours is even born.

Not unless it was a genuine emergency.
I worry that on the off chance the 'cold' goes on to cause DM a chest infection/pneumonia for example, then I'm down a baby sitter a lot longer than just that day.

No cognitive dissonance here. If people need to be off with sick children then they need to be off! It's life as a parent. After taking a total of the equivalent of around 2 weeks off work this year between DP and I with our sick toddler who's managed to pick up every single bug going since starting at nursery, I understand this only too well! I've had eyes rolled at me at work by colleagues for rushing out yet again to collect her, partner has had comments made etc..... tough. It's life as a parent.

My perspective is likely different because we have literally no family to rely on, not one person. Those who do don't realise how lucky they are. But even if I did, there's no chance I'd leave my sick child to someone else. It's not fair.

I feel sympathy for your mother and your mother in law. Talk avoid being used.

My parents do childcare for us, covid, d+v anything very contagious that makes you very unwell they absolutely don't look after them. There's no point anyway as they'd not be able to look after them when they get it anyway, so it's far better for them to stay away and avoid getting it in the first place. This is a mutual agreement, I'd never ask and they'd refuse anyway.

About - not avoid.

Depends on them, my mum would have when mine were small but she was a young grandmother