Page 5 | Family Secret Santa

earlystartsdaily · 2022-12-18T09:55:20+00:00

This year we decided that DP & I would ask the family (parents and siblings) if they'd prefer to do a secret Santa instead of all of us buying each other presents. Partly to save money. And so that we could focus on getting 1 decent present rather than lots of presents for everyone. We put the amount at £50. All family agreed. We're supposed to be meeting today to do the secret Santa. 2 members have messaged (they are partners) to say they can't come because they're not well. I feel annoyed by this. Partly because I am not sure they're unwell. I think they didn't buy secret Santa presents therefore are just not going to come. I feel upset that 2 people won't get their present today. And I'm annoyed with myself because when DP suggested it, I just knew that these two family members would likely do this. But we didn't want to not include them and they said they were happy to do it at the time. And I felt guilt for being negative. DP & I have these 2 members as our secret Santa's and we have gone to a lot of effort to get them really lovely and thoughtful gifts. I'm not really sure what to do? We are still meeting the rest of the family today.

HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 22:28

Lemonlady22 · 18/12/2022 19:45

Secret Santa in family’s do not work. My son said about doing in this year, his wife, her parents, me, my husband, other son and daughter. Day of swapping names, sons wife says her mum and dad are not doing it cos they don’t want to buy a present for someone they are not related to. Okay…so that leaves just a SS for just my sons side of the family. I opt out and point out the ‘ not related’ has upset me. I’m the bad person in this for pointing that out and big argument now, and I need to apologise…🙄

I would be so embarrassed of my parents if I was your sons wife.

blubberyboo · 18/12/2022 22:47

Op I hope you can return the 2 gifts you bought and try and sort something for the other person who missed out.

then next year organise it without this pair and make sure and tell them that you’ll not ask them as they didn’t take part

allboysherebutme · 18/12/2022 23:30

Could you ask them if you could pop buy to collect the secret Santa presents, as otherwise two people will not have anything. X

Lemonlady22 · 19/12/2022 02:38

HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 22:28

I would be so embarrassed of my parents if I was your sons wife.

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They don’t see anything wrong in it tbh, I’m the bad person for pointing it out. Apparently I need to apologise for upsetting them….not happening! Stopping me from seeing my grandchildren now so I’m being punished😥

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 19/12/2022 02:48

earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 19:32

God that would be awkward because they definitely wouldn't have them.

I have found out today that one of them has me as their secret Santa.
In a way I'm glad because I'd rather it be me than DP or my mum etc.

have they said when they will produce the presents?

JustLyra · 19/12/2022 02:53

Lemonlady22 · 18/12/2022 19:45

Secret Santa in family’s do not work. My son said about doing in this year, his wife, her parents, me, my husband, other son and daughter. Day of swapping names, sons wife says her mum and dad are not doing it cos they don’t want to buy a present for someone they are not related to. Okay…so that leaves just a SS for just my sons side of the family. I opt out and point out the ‘ not related’ has upset me. I’m the bad person in this for pointing that out and big argument now, and I need to apologise…🙄

I don’t see what was wrong in doing it with just you, your husband, your two sons, your DIL and your daughter. 6 people is plenty.

Secret Santa can be hard enough sometimes without trying to buy a gift for your SIL’s sister that you barely know.

Why does not related upset you? You’re their DD’s in-laws - many people barely consider themselves related to their own in laws, never mind relatives in laws.

NumberTheory · 19/12/2022 02:57

It’s a rubbish situation OP, and sucks a bit for the two who won’t get a gift. But they’re adults, since it’s family they presumably know what these two are like too, and they’ll roll their eyes a bit and ficus on having a good time with all of you. If you decide to do it again next year, can you cheat and just make sure they get each other?

I’m curious though - why, since you say you knew they were likely to be like this, you suggest secret Santa in the first place? Is there more going on?

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 03:21

earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 10:17

I know the logical thing is to suggest collecting the presents from them and my DP suggested I say this to them. I know it sounds really passive but I will feel mean doing that. Mainly because I just KNOW they wouldn't have got any. And I feel like they'll be put on the spot.
I know it's their responsibility as fully grown adults.

Why would YOU feel mean?

You've kept your end of the bargain. What's mean about expecting everybody to? If it puts this pair on the spot because your suspicions are proved correct, how is that being mean?

Is it more like second-hand embarrassment? Because I can see how squirmingly embarrassing it could feel to call someone out who you already know is CF & is likely to push back with excuses or DARVO. Do you think it's more that you don;t want to be the person who brings that embarrassment about?

They've replied saying not to go round to collect presents.
😂Bingo! Well called, OP - you clearly know them well ...

I said to them
'We dont want anyone to be without a present so we'll come to yours and collect your presents and after we've done the secret Santa, we will drop yours off". I also said we will just do a swap as they're poorly so wont come in the house etc. and they replied saying they don't want us to catch anything so not to go round.

Why is it YOUR job to smooth any of this over? "I offered to drop off George & Mildred's SS presents, but they said they didn't want us to collect theirs, so I'm afraid we're 2 short" & let everyone else think whatever they want to think about it.
You;re not George & Mildred's mummy. You're not responsible for their manners. You're not responsible for the other person (just seen one of them is you) who won't be getting a present.

Stop imagining other people's shady behaviour is your problem, or reflects on you in any way.

Lemonlady22 · 19/12/2022 04:23

JustLyra · 19/12/2022 02:53

I don’t see what was wrong in doing it with just you, your husband, your two sons, your DIL and your daughter. 6 people is plenty.

Secret Santa can be hard enough sometimes without trying to buy a gift for your SIL’s sister that you barely know.

Why does not related upset you? You’re their DD’s in-laws - many people barely consider themselves related to their own in laws, never mind relatives in laws.

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Because we were all really close, big extended family, but suddenly we are ‘ not related’ feels like a kick in the teeth. If I had said ‘I’m not buying for someone I’m not related to’ there would have been uproar. I would never say that to someone I saw as close family.

Original poster

earlystartsdaily · 19/12/2022 04:30

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn
They just said they'll get them to us at some point. But haven't said when.
They said they'll see us when they're feeling better.
They might be ill, but they could have sorted the presents sooner. Or even just sorted vouchers if they couldn't get out to buy a present.

OP posts:

ChimChimeny · 19/12/2022 07:56

earlystartsdaily · 19/12/2022 04:30

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn
They just said they'll get them to us at some point. But haven't said when.
They said they'll see us when they're feeling better.
They might be ill, but they could have sorted the presents sooner. Or even just sorted vouchers if they couldn't get out to buy a present.

Have they been given their presents? I really wouldn't give them anything until they do.

And I wouldn't include them next year!

NoelNoNoel · 19/12/2022 08:24

Could you text and ask them to transfer £100 so you can buy the two presents?. You keep your £50 and give the other £50 to whoever else they should have bought for.
They are really out of order.

Bayleaf25 · 19/12/2022 08:26

I’d be tempted to hang on to their presents and arrange a swap once they’re ready to exchange. It is out of order on their part though.

annea101 · 21/12/2022 03:23

SOoooo.. this may be the minority but I'm not sure what's the problem? You say that you and your partner got them as who to give gifts to. So just give those gifts to the people they were supposed to give gifts too. Say sorry, but you were sick so we did this, but feel free to keep what you already bought or return it. Maybe next year things will work out?

then no ones without a gift, if it happens next year dont include them again and you were right this year. Either way everyone gets gifts, even if its not exactly well personalized. Everyone's adults, they will understand easily why it happened. just seems like such a non issue

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 21/12/2022 03:45

Don’t give them their presents until they cough up

StClare101 · 21/12/2022 08:02

Yep. Withhold the presents until they cough up. Next year say them to them point blank they aren’t included. Don’t just make this your problem though. Another person is impacted too.

NoelNoNoel · 21/12/2022 08:18

So just give those gifts to the people they were supposed to give gifts too
mine if the gifts was personalised.

ClaryFairchild · 21/12/2022 14:17

We do a "dirty Santa" instead. Everyone buys a present up to $30, and they all go into the middle. People pick out presents from the pile, one at a time. Others can choose to steal said present and swap the one they give. Then it doesn't matter who attends or doesn't. You don't buy personal gifts, just something you hope people would like to steal.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/12/2022 14:22

ClaryFairchild · 21/12/2022 14:17

We do a "dirty Santa" instead. Everyone buys a present up to $30, and they all go into the middle. People pick out presents from the pile, one at a time. Others can choose to steal said present and swap the one they give. Then it doesn't matter who attends or doesn't. You don't buy personal gifts, just something you hope people would like to steal.

That sounds hilarious Clary! All the fun of the fair & chance to tease your relatives mercilessly. 😁

Not a game for the dysfunctional family though (am just imagining the AIBU threads it could prompt ... )

KettrickenSmiled · 21/12/2022 14:25

NoelNoNoel · 19/12/2022 08:24

Could you text and ask them to transfer £100 so you can buy the two presents?. You keep your £50 and give the other £50 to whoever else they should have bought for.
They are really out of order.

They are, & this is a logical solution.

However, I don't think OP should do this, because it's not her problem to solve. She didn't cause it, she doesn't need to facilitate a solution. All she needs do is stop feeling responsible for other adult's behaviour, & let The Awkward fall where it will on xmas day.

Sparkletastic · 21/12/2022 14:41

I'd reply 'Honestly it's fine - pop the gifts in a bag and we will come to the door with masks on.'

I'd force them out in the open.

Fladdermus · 21/12/2022 14:44

Sparkletastic · 21/12/2022 14:41

I'd reply 'Honestly it's fine - pop the gifts in a bag and we will come to the door with masks on.'

I'd force them out in the open.

Do this but say you'll be there in 5 minutes and then turn your phone off so they can't tell you not to. They clearly haven't bothered to get anything, so embarras the fuck out of them.

Anewhoo · 21/12/2022 15:15

Surely you can just wait until they are feeling better and get your present then rather than harass ill family members. I’d be embarrassed if my family behaved like that, we’re perfectly capable of waiting a few weeks for a present!

poefaced · 21/12/2022 15:25

Anewhoo · 21/12/2022 15:15

Surely you can just wait until they are feeling better and get your present then rather than harass ill family members. I’d be embarrassed if my family behaved like that, we’re perfectly capable of waiting a few weeks for a present!

Surely if they’re that ill then they wouldn’t demand their presents be dropped off to them?

XelaM · 21/12/2022 16:44

If they don't have gifts they can just put £50 in an envelope. That's better than nothing.

I organised a Secret Santa at my daughter's yard and one person didn't come (I was very annoyed as they asked to participate!) but I made sure I covered for them, but still putting a £10 note in an envelope with some sweets (it was for a kid). Thank goodness the limit was on £10! I think it's outrageous that people are so selfish that they don't care that someone will end up without a Secret Santa gift.