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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family Secret Santa

132 replies

earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 09:55

This year we decided that DP & I would ask the family (parents and siblings) if they'd prefer to do a secret Santa instead of all of us buying each other presents.
Partly to save money. And so that we could focus on getting 1 decent present rather than lots of presents for everyone.
We put the amount at £50.

All family agreed. We're supposed to be meeting today to do the secret Santa.
2 members have messaged (they are partners) to say they can't come because they're not well.

I feel annoyed by this. Partly because I am not sure they're unwell. I think they didn't buy secret Santa presents therefore are just not going to come.
I feel upset that 2 people won't get their present today.

And I'm annoyed with myself because when DP suggested it, I just knew that these two family members would likely do this. But we didn't want to not include them and they said they were happy to do it at the time. And I felt guilt for being negative.

DP & I have these 2 members as our secret Santa's and we have gone to a lot of effort to get them really lovely and thoughtful gifts.

I'm not really sure what to do?
We are still meeting the rest of the family today.

OP posts:
Patsy400 · 18/12/2022 14:36

This is why we don’t buy Christmas gifts for family and friends anymore. At least you’ll know better for next year.

azimuth299 · 18/12/2022 14:45

Did they make up an excuse say why you shouldn't collect the presents?

I know it feels awkward to call people out on this kind of thing, but really it's they who have made it awkward, not you.

"Hi X, hope you feeling better soon. Shall I come and get the presents? If not, how are you going to get the presents to the venue?"

They should be put on the spot, it's very selfish behaviour!

DomPom47 · 18/12/2022 14:46

I know they’re gifts are personalised but you can always give it to them this year when they have been ‘nice’! I d just get them a cheap box of chocs this year. You can’t do anything about the two who don’t have presents, they can chase up the 2 who are ‘ill’ later. For them to say don’t come round is simply dodgy. They may be worried about germs or messy house etc but there’s way around those: ‘call when you are here and we will leave gift outisde’.

SomethingOriginal2 · 18/12/2022 14:49

earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 14:01

They've replied saying not to go round to collect presents.

Did they give a reason?
I'd just reply "it's OK I don't mind. We're all exchanging gifts so I don't want anyone to miss out. I'll come back home past yours and bring your presents after."

If they haven't bought presents then they need to grow a pair and say it.

SomethingOriginal2 · 18/12/2022 14:51

And I wouldn't give them their gift. Actions have consequences. The rules of SS are you buy a gift, you get a gift. If you don't buy, you don't get.

Save it for their birthday or next Christmas and I would nip to the shop and buy their giftees presents and wrap them in the car.

FlamingJingleBells · 18/12/2022 15:23

Donate their gifts to a charity gift appeal as it's very obvious that they've not bought for anybody.

thinkponk48 · 18/12/2022 15:56

I hate stuff like this. If you don't want to be part of it then just say. Them not buying the gift at the last second just makes everyone feel bad.

stopthebarking · 18/12/2022 16:59

They're too mature and/or disorganised to participate in a Secret Santa gift exchange. So selfish! (And yes, it is possible to still love selfish people without being aware that they are selfish and finding it intensely annoying.)

I wouldn't give them their gifts unless or until they produce the gifts they were responsible for bringing, and I wouldn't spare them any embarrassment over the fact that they didn't buy something after saying they would. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.

stopthebarking · 18/12/2022 17:02

..."while still being. Not "without being"...😣

poefaced · 18/12/2022 17:03

Don’t give their presents! And leave them out of SS in future.

Fizzadora · 18/12/2022 17:08

I am never quite sure why people continually enable family members to exhibit shitty behaviour.

Original poster
earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 17:43

I said to them
'We dont want anyone to be without a present so we'll come to yours and collect your presents and after we've done the secret Santa, we will drop yours off". I also said we will just do a swap as they're poorly so wont come in the house etc. and they replied saying they don't want us to catch anything so not to go round.

OP posts:
HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 17:45

earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 17:43

I said to them
'We dont want anyone to be without a present so we'll come to yours and collect your presents and after we've done the secret Santa, we will drop yours off". I also said we will just do a swap as they're poorly so wont come in the house etc. and they replied saying they don't want us to catch anything so not to go round.

Ask them to leave out on the front porch. They obviously haven’t brought presents.

Mama1980 · 18/12/2022 17:57

Tell them to just leave it on the porch and you'll saw there, no entering the house so no contact. Honestly it's really bad behaviour.
Why can't they just be grown up about it. Own their mistake, apologise profusely and if necessary print off a gift card.
I would totally call them on it until they admitted it or handed over the gift. I can't stand such childish behaviour, it's so disrespectful.

HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 18:01

or they have some serious money issues and they are embarrassed? Be kind first it say you really do need the presents. Ask them if it’s a money thing!

pinkfondu · 18/12/2022 18:16

They could have edt them out the door

Original poster
earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 18:25

@HelsyQ
It's definitely not a money thing. I'm 100% certain if that. It's more of an effort thing.

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 18/12/2022 19:08

Agree.

I'd message that I'm on my way and to leave their gifts outside front door/behind the bins/wherever and you'll drop theirs in the same place

HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 19:10

Rogue1001MNer · 18/12/2022 19:08

Agree.

I'd message that I'm on my way and to leave their gifts outside front door/behind the bins/wherever and you'll drop theirs in the same place

Yeah so would I tbh.

Original poster
earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 19:32

God that would be awkward because they definitely wouldn't have them.

I have found out today that one of them has me as their secret Santa.
In a way I'm glad because I'd rather it be me than DP or my mum etc.

OP posts:
HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 19:36

earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 19:32

God that would be awkward because they definitely wouldn't have them.

I have found out today that one of them has me as their secret Santa.
In a way I'm glad because I'd rather it be me than DP or my mum etc.

Can’t you just say…

Guys, I obviously have to get the presents or two people are going to be without one which would be quite unfair. I’m not concerned about getting ill at all. Please just leave them outside the house and I’ll collect at lunch time tomorrow.

Lemonlady22 · 18/12/2022 19:45

Secret Santa in family’s do not work. My son said about doing in this year, his wife, her parents, me, my husband, other son and daughter. Day of swapping names, sons wife says her mum and dad are not doing it cos they don’t want to buy a present for someone they are not related to. Okay…so that leaves just a SS for just my sons side of the family. I opt out and point out the ‘ not related’ has upset me. I’m the bad person in this for pointing that out and big argument now, and I need to apologise…🙄

NoelNoNoel · 18/12/2022 19:46

Weird isn’t is as it isn’t a money thing? How hard would it be for the couple to print off a couple of Amazon Vouchers and put them in an
envelope and leave them
in their porch?
Unless they are really, really ill which is a possibility.

NoSquirrels · 18/12/2022 20:10

Just tell it like it is.

’We can’t do the Secret Santa exchange if 2 people don’t get presents - the ones you were buying for. Did you not get anything yet? If not, transfer me the money and I’ll get the gifts.’

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 18/12/2022 20:56

Lemonlady22 · 18/12/2022 19:45

Secret Santa in family’s do not work. My son said about doing in this year, his wife, her parents, me, my husband, other son and daughter. Day of swapping names, sons wife says her mum and dad are not doing it cos they don’t want to buy a present for someone they are not related to. Okay…so that leaves just a SS for just my sons side of the family. I opt out and point out the ‘ not related’ has upset me. I’m the bad person in this for pointing that out and big argument now, and I need to apologise…🙄

They do work if you're not a twat.

We've been doing it for years with spends if £100 and it's worked super well. Family and any new partners etc.