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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Secret Santa

132 replies

earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 09:55

This year we decided that DP & I would ask the family (parents and siblings) if they'd prefer to do a secret Santa instead of all of us buying each other presents.
Partly to save money. And so that we could focus on getting 1 decent present rather than lots of presents for everyone.
We put the amount at £50.

All family agreed. We're supposed to be meeting today to do the secret Santa.
2 members have messaged (they are partners) to say they can't come because they're not well.

I feel annoyed by this. Partly because I am not sure they're unwell. I think they didn't buy secret Santa presents therefore are just not going to come.
I feel upset that 2 people won't get their present today.

And I'm annoyed with myself because when DP suggested it, I just knew that these two family members would likely do this. But we didn't want to not include them and they said they were happy to do it at the time. And I felt guilt for being negative.

DP & I have these 2 members as our secret Santa's and we have gone to a lot of effort to get them really lovely and thoughtful gifts.

I'm not really sure what to do?
We are still meeting the rest of the family today.

OP posts:
Ocrumbs · 18/12/2022 10:22

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 18/12/2022 10:17

Yep message to say you are popping round to get their secret santa presents at whatever time, and you'll drop thetes off at the same time

Do this

Ocrumbs · 18/12/2022 10:24

Also they may be ill. About half the people I know are ill at the moment

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/12/2022 10:24

Just say oh no that's a shame was looking forward to seeing you, but so that no one is left out we can come and pick up the presents at x time. Or if it's an evoucher or something can you email it to me so I can pass it on. Hopefully that will spur them into getting a last minute voucher or something.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/12/2022 10:25

And yes I was going to say they could actually be ill. I've had to cancel something this weekend due to illness

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 18/12/2022 10:25

earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 10:17

I know the logical thing is to suggest collecting the presents from them and my DP suggested I say this to them. I know it sounds really passive but I will feel mean doing that. Mainly because I just KNOW they wouldn't have got any. And I feel like they'll be put on the spot.
I know it's their responsibility as fully grown adults.

They need to be put on the spot. Stop enabling them and start treating them like responsible and accountable adults.

CuriousMama · 18/12/2022 10:25

It's a no brainer about popping to theirs.

Can't you exchange their gifts for something the ones who'll be left out may like?

Doesn't sound like secret Santa anyway.

SirDavidAttenborough · 18/12/2022 10:26

As per near enough every poster - say you’ll pick their presents up and FaceTime them in if they want.

They’ll squirm and try to weasel out of it if your suspicions are correct.

Bronnau · 18/12/2022 10:28

I agree with the PP who said you don't seem to like them all that much. And perhaps with good reason! I don't know. But the fact that you foresaw that they wouldn't do it and now they've said they're ill... That/they must be annoying.
I'd text them and tell them you'll pick up their gifts, and will drop off theirs afterwards. Be breezy.

limitededitionbarbie · 18/12/2022 10:32

Another vote to pick the presents up.

I am over invested in whether they have bought the gifts or not.

Original poster
earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 10:34

For those saying that it doesn't seem like a secret Santa - I obviously know that I have bought for them. But I know my DP has bought for the other as it's a personalised gift so I know that we both have them.

OP posts:
Original poster
earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 10:35

@Bronnau
I absolutely love them. But this is quite typical behaviour for them. Doesn't mean I don't like or love them.

OP posts:
Confusedteacher · 18/12/2022 10:36

Another vote for offering to pick the presents up. If they haven’t got anything they can easily do a quick e-gift card.

The only reason not to would be if you think they haven’t done it because they can’t afford it - in which case just leave it.

SomethingOriginal2 · 18/12/2022 10:36

You can save this OP . Try to collect the presents if they admit they didn't buy any then either regift the gifts you'd bought for them to their giftees. Or buy something suitable for the giftees and return their gifts if you can afford that.

Get the "it's meant to call them out" idea out your head. They chose not to buy presents for someone knowing it would leave them with nothing to open when everyone else is opening presents. They've behaved appallingly. If they haven't bought presents they don't get presents.

Letthesunshineonin · 18/12/2022 10:37

Suggest you go and collect the gifts. If they haven’t got them then you know not to include them next year. So frustrating for you and very inconsiderate for them but they need to know they can’t upset people like that. It’s not fair.

Original poster
earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 10:38

@Confusedteacher
Money really isn't an issue for them. Otherwise I would just leave it. But financially they are fine.

OP posts:
jetadore · 18/12/2022 10:38

You’re a mug for buying these people, who you suspected would be cunts, and who are now indeed behaving like cunts, “thoughtful, lovely gifts”.

NoSquirrels · 18/12/2022 10:40

You can either 1) confirm they don’t have any gifts to exchange (as you suspect) or 2) seethe silently.

Shoxfordian · 18/12/2022 10:40

Yeah you’re a mug for including them; message and say you’ll collect the gifts from them- if they’re rude enough to have not done it then they should be put on the spot about it

Lampshadered · 18/12/2022 10:40

So two adults won't get a present a week before Christmas. It's not a big deal; they can arrange to meet the two absent family members another day. I don't see that it's your responsibility to sort this out.

The family will still have a nice get together today.

Octo5 · 18/12/2022 10:41

£50 is a lot of money to spend so I’m wondering if they were too embarrassed to say they couldn’t afford it.

We do this at work and with the adults in the family.
It’s a £10 limit and we have a central place to put the presents before the day. Then someone hands them out.

It’s annoying if they didn’t do it and are now making excuses as they should have been upfront, it doesn’t work unless everyone is on board.
But you cannot prove that this is what happened.

HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 10:41

earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 10:05

@purpleme12
They're both not coming, saying they're both ill.

Just go and pick the presents up or ask them to post them. Job done.

Original poster
earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 10:41

@NoSquirrels 😂 I was going to silently seethe but I have decided to send them a message.

OP posts:
LemonPledge555 · 18/12/2022 10:43

NoSquirrels · 18/12/2022 10:40

You can either 1) confirm they don’t have any gifts to exchange (as you suspect) or 2) seethe silently.

Exactly.

OP, you don’t know they haven’t kept up their side until you ask.

Just message back and say you’re sorry they aren’t feeling well, you hope they recover soon and that you’ll stop past to swap gifts on the way to the place - I really can’t see why you’re spiralling about something that is technically unknown.

If they do indeed say they haven’t done it, then you can be pissed. But at this point I see little point in being quite so upset.

Original poster
earlystartsdaily · 18/12/2022 10:43

@Octo5
We all agreed a £50 limit to spend on one person rather than spending £30 on quite a few people. So we all agreed the amount and that it would be cheaper for us all to do it this way.
And financially they are completely fine.

OP posts:
Lovethatforyou · 18/12/2022 10:43

I agree, put them on the spot. They shouldn’t have done this.