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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend quit his job ...im paying for everything aibu?

159 replies

navywallstays · 17/12/2022 18:39

My boyfriend who I live with quit his job over a month ago,he was having issues with higher management.
Over a month later and no sniff of a job.
He has zero money and I mean not even 50p
I pay the rent -the bills -food etc
His dad lives 5 hours away and is going home for two nights for a funeral.
He refuses to ask his dad for money (his dad has a lot of money ).
He is going home for his aunts funeral and said it's inappropriate.
I have told him I'm struggling with all the rent /bills etc
He has no car now as he can't afford to get it fixed.
It's my birthday Christmas Eve and he's already told me he doesn't have a car.
I have him the money to buy my Christmas present and he has said he will give me it back when he gets a job.
Surely he should ask his dad for some money?
I bought his coach tickets home too

I will get nothing for my birthday /no meal out or even a Christmas drink

Aibu ?

OP posts:
Spambod · 17/12/2022 20:18

You know he won’t get a job op. Why would he. He has found a vulnerable woman who pays for everything and tolerates everything. You are a cocklodgers dream woman.

Spambod · 17/12/2022 20:19

Op do you think there is another reason his dad won’t give him any money. Think about it. Perhaps he has burnt that bridge having lived off his dad and probably other family members.

Cantstandbullshit · 17/12/2022 20:20

navywallstays · 17/12/2022 18:44

I'm all fairness his dad knows he has zero money so surely he should offer
I just can't afford to pay for us both

Why should he? He probably realizes his son is a bum and doesn’t want to waste money on him.

Cantstandbullshit · 17/12/2022 20:22

navywallstays · 17/12/2022 19:00

I posted before about him
He had his own flat
He wanted to move in I wasn't ready
He stopped paying rent and got evicted and moved in -said he couldn't afford rent
Then he bought two cats and I'm now feeding them
I bought his ticket home not his dad

I concluded he was a bum before seeing this post, this just confirms he is indeed a bum. Please leave him before you have kids with him and get stuck.

Fraaahnces · 17/12/2022 20:22

Tell him not to take the pets and not come back. Change the locks. He’s a cocklodger, Babe.

greenhousegal · 17/12/2022 20:24

I suspect he was sacked.

Are you afraid of him? Do you have any support network who will help point out what he is doing to you?

It's all very well for people to say dump him, change the locks, put his stuff in a bin bag etc. etc. but are you fearful of the consequences of doing that, or do you not want to do this and feel that any man is better than no man or something?

Let it out and be honest with us. It's anonymous remember.

Blanca87 · 17/12/2022 20:30

You know what’s coming next… a thread in 12 months time saying she is pregnant but will have to return back to work after 5 weeks because she need to due to financial reasons. So on and so forth.

Bananalanacake · 17/12/2022 20:33

How long were you in a relationship for before he moved in. I have the 5 year rule - I tell all boyfriends there is to be no talk of moving in until we've been together at least 5 years, I need my own space. I've never fallen prey to a cocklodger, if they don't like it they can look elsewhere.
I've also read on here that cocklodgers have a job, then after they move in with their girlfriend they lose the job and try to sponge, do you think that is what happened here?

MulderSmoulder · 17/12/2022 20:35

DO NOT GET PREGNANT!!

Make sure you are on multiple forms of contraceptives, or just change the locks while he is away.

whynotwhatknot · 17/12/2022 20:40

o dear op we all said this would happen he was a potential cocklodger and look what happened

please just tell him to leave

Rainbowqueeen · 17/12/2022 20:40

I agree that he was sacked

It’s great he is going away Use that time to change the locks and dump him. Give him a day and time to collect his stuff from outside your house - do not let him across the threshold. Have a friend with you and the police on speed dial.
Then delete and block his number.
Keep the cats. He only got them to manipulate you into keeping him around.

MeridianB · 17/12/2022 20:41

I remember your last thread, OP. This is the worst case scenario you wanted to avoid. But it can get worse still - he never works, he never leaves, you get pregnant.

I hope you’re not afraid of him. If you are then can you get someone to help you get rid of him?

please take the opportunity to get him out while he’s away. Change the locks, text him and say it’s over.

He will not change. And if you don’t act now your life will be dragged down by him.

Bathbomb99 · 17/12/2022 20:43

OP please stop being a doormat. He’s treating you like shit for one reason…because you’re allowing him to.

HelsyQ · 17/12/2022 20:43

Stop giving him money immediately. Give him a deadline to get a job and then kick him out if he doesn’t.

how pathetic he is is honestly the biggest ick

MeJane · 17/12/2022 20:46

I don’t really see what it’s got to do with his dad. You seem to be far more interested in the dad rescuing your boyfriend than you do about him, a grown man, rescuing himself.

Maybe his dad is perfectly happy with you paying for his son and doesn’t want to be supporting him. Perhaps he’s sick of him.

lamaze1 · 17/12/2022 20:49

He doesn't want to claim universal credit but isn't too embarrassed to sponge off you..? he stopped paying rent and was evicted likely as a way to force you to give in and agree to live with him despite you saying it was too soon. Aside from being a leech what other boundaries has he stamped over? It doesn't sound like her respects you. He is using you. Get him out, he isn't your problem even if he doesn't have 50p. Let him claim UC, go to his dad etc it really isn't your problem.

ThatsGoingToHurt · 17/12/2022 20:50

So he can’t be arsed to claim pop down the job centre once a fortnight and claim JSA but is more than happy for you to struggle with cash because of his laziness.

Canuck48 · 17/12/2022 20:55

So my question is, why did he stop paying rent? Other than he didn’t want too? Sounds like a, ummm, lovely guy, who sponges off of others and takes no responsibility for himself.

Do you really want to continue down this path? You weren’t ready to live in and he forced your hand. You are now paying for everything including two cats he forced upon you. What is next? As others have noted, an unplanned pregnancy due to a “failure” in birth control. Most likely due to him doing something to catch you more.

He should be on benefits and should have a basic job if not more.

Please, truly reflect where you want to be in a month, 6 months, 1 year and 5 years. Is it with someone who refuses to pay rent, keep a job and leaves you in dire financial straits?

viques · 17/12/2022 20:58

The thing is, unless you are being asked to mix acid with your bare hands it is so very stupid to quit a job before you have lined up an alternative source of income.

Anotheanon · 17/12/2022 21:03

Why on earth is his dad getting the blame for anything here? Is your boyfriend a child? Didn’t think so. His dad has no financial responsibility for this loser.

oh and if he is living with you then the UC claim would be as a couple and your income would be taken into account.

Anotheanon · 17/12/2022 21:04

Oh and if he claims JSA new style he is likely to have a sanction on his claim.

PurpleButterflyWings · 17/12/2022 21:08

This would be a dealbreaker for me. A freeloading cocklodger sitting on his arse all day is not the man for me. Kick him out. Couldn't be arsed myself. You often find men like this are lazy fuckers around the house too, shit in bed, and will NEVER help with childcare - that's if you're bonkers enough to have kids with him!!!

I don't ask or expect MUCH from a man, but he HAS to work/have a job, otherwise he can fuck off. (Illness and disability aside of course. I obviously mean men who can't be arsed to work, not men who CAN'T.) I come from a family of hard working ambitious industrious men, and a lazy cocklodger is deeply repugnant to me.

RethinkingLife · 17/12/2022 21:12

OP you were WARNED about him on your previous thread - I remember it. Sadly he is proving everyone right.

Yes for both parts of this.

I think posters can only reiterate it would be very unwise to allow him to return. I don't know why you're even contemplating Christmas together.

OP, itt can be difficult to recognise the need for boundaries, but I hope you realise from (now bitter) experience that you need them.

misslooloo · 17/12/2022 21:19

Don’t kick him out. He’s clearly struggling.

But set some boundaries. Make it clear this is temporary. He needs to sort himself out. Maybe three months tops.

One day you might need him. That’s how a partnership works.

The caveat: This is IF you want the relationship to last. If you don’t, then tell him now. He may need his dad.

Love to you both.

glittereyelash · 17/12/2022 21:29

How long are you guys together and do you see a future? Many years ago my partner lost his job and was out of work for five years but retrained and now has an excellent job. I supported us both during that time as he is a good man who I love dearly. Life throws a lot at you over the lifespan of a relationship if he has a plan going forward I'd hold on if not let go.