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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for grounding my son for 1 month?

120 replies

DannielleNGin · 17/12/2022 16:43

On Wednesday the school called telling me that my DS, 14, is being put in isolation after he called an Asian girl at his school a ch*nk. When he got back home I admit I went ballistic on him and took his phone away for a month and grounded him which means he can’t go out with his friends anymore more.

However, DH is siding with DS thinks that it’s too much and that I’m overreacting. He’s saying that DS probably said it as a “joke” although I can’t see a situation in which this is funny at all.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
TheGuv1982 · 17/12/2022 16:47

Ouch. I’d probably lose my shit too if my kids had been racist.

However, probably worth having a chat when emotions are less raw to see if they understand why it was wrong, and if they’re remorseful- He’s already been punished by the school so maybe that punishment is enough for him to learn a lesson.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 17/12/2022 16:47

Your husband thinks racism is a joke?

Right...

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 17/12/2022 16:48

Suggest he gives his Xmas gits to charity.. An Asian charity.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/12/2022 16:50

Think we can guess where he gets the idea that racist abuse is acceptable from, then.

FurAndFeathers · 17/12/2022 16:51

Can you ask your DH to explain the joke from the point of view of a 13 year old Asian girl? (Or actually anyone!) it sounds like he’s in denial that your son has been racist.

please hold them both accountable. Racial slurs are not ever ‘funny’, they are hate speech
I don’t think the punishment is too harsh

Sprogonthetyne · 17/12/2022 16:52

I think that a month may have been a little harsh, especially as it's over Christmas holidays, but now you've said it you should fallow through with it. If anything your DH saying it was a joke makes it harder for you to back track, as you can't let DS think it's a joking matter.

AHelpfulHand · 17/12/2022 16:52

I don’t understand what he said as you have blanked it out.

I always thought racism was very frowned upon but when I chat to people in real life it’s still very much there from what I hear come out of their mouths.

I would do the same as you if my kids had been racist

TallGrassInTheSun · 17/12/2022 16:57

IF this is real, it sounds fair to me. I would also get him to do some reading about racism and the impact it has on others. Your husband is wrong to minimise this.

Newwardrobe · 17/12/2022 17:00

I think a month is a bit harsh.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 17/12/2022 17:00

AHelpfulHand · 17/12/2022 16:52

I don’t understand what he said as you have blanked it out.

I always thought racism was very frowned upon but when I chat to people in real life it’s still very much there from what I hear come out of their mouths.

I would do the same as you if my kids had been racist

The missing letter is I

Ponoka7 · 17/12/2022 17:02

Have you spoken to him to find out why and how it happened? Teens do stuff to show off, education is the key. A month over Christmas is too much imo.

Unsureofitall · 17/12/2022 17:02

Nope I think you're completely right to have grounded him for a month. Being racist is not acceptable.

EmmaDilemma5 · 17/12/2022 17:03

I think you've done exactly the right thing. Good for you for showing your child that racism is totally unacceptable, whether it's as a 'joke' or not.

glasshole · 17/12/2022 17:04

I have always followed the rule that a punishment is one thing for each "crime". He used a racial slur so deserves ONE punishment. In my house that would be losing his phone or being grounded. And as for time/length of punishment I've always told my teens the punishment and then asked them to think over night on what they think is a fair time. If i feel it's too short, I will double it and if it's too long I will half it. It's a really good lesson in actually getting them to think about the consequences and what a fair punishment is. It also makes it a bit easier to swallow for them as they chose themselves a fair length of time so can't really argue with it.

SirenSays · 17/12/2022 17:09

The way people get cancelled for racism now I actually think he's quite lucky with that punishment. If he had said that as an adult he could have lost his job or had serious consequences like doxxing or swatting.

PetrasPony · 17/12/2022 17:09

Ponoka7 · 17/12/2022 17:02

Have you spoken to him to find out why and how it happened? Teens do stuff to show off, education is the key. A month over Christmas is too much imo.

How it happened?

You think racial abuse is normal for teenagers?

PetrasPony · 17/12/2022 17:09

YANBU, I’d also be assessing what to do re DH if he thinks this is acceptable.

VladmirsPoutine · 17/12/2022 17:10

Yanbu. The consequence is so severe your son will absolutely learn never to repeat that again. I wish other parents came down on their kids like a ton of bricks for racism too.

pointythings · 17/12/2022 17:10

I think this is fine. You need a serious talk with your DH about how bad this actually is. Racism = tonne of bricks time.

Definitely have a conversation with your DS when everything has calmed down, but don't rescind the punishment. It has to stick.

Notanotherone6 · 17/12/2022 17:11

Far too harsh, I think. He was rightly punished at school for it, and I understand you wanting to punish him too, but a month is a bit ridiculous. A couple of days would be my choice, and I hope he's been made to apologise to the girl.

Pearls1234 · 17/12/2022 17:13

YANBU!

When I read the title I though that sounds a bit harsh, YA probably BU.

But as soon as I read it, fuck no, you are not being unreasonable at all! No excuse for racism. Make him apologise too.

SamanthaVimes · 17/12/2022 17:13

I think now you’ve said it you need to stick with it as going back on it will make it feel like it’s “not that bad”

Sounds like you need a chat with your DH too about why racism is never a joke

InSummertime · 17/12/2022 17:14

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 17/12/2022 16:47

Your husband thinks racism is a joke?

Right...

I’d be dumping the husband too racism is not a fucking joke

Ponoka7 · 17/12/2022 17:14

PetrasPony · 17/12/2022 17:09

How it happened?

You think racial abuse is normal for teenagers?

Show quote history

Stupid behaviour is normal. Sometimes that results in harm to others, sometimes injury/death to the teen. Lads in particular doing really stupid stuff. I was racially abused during my childhood, most of it was showing off, the person actually wasn't racist. I've spoken to them as adults and some just knew no better. If the OP's son is having confidence etc issues and it doing it to appear 'big' etc then that needs addressing. Just punishing a teen, especially a male who has behaved in such a way, doesn't help anyone. Listening and education is what's needed. Most angry/aggressive/racist young men didn't have that.

PetrasPony · 17/12/2022 17:17

Ponoka7 · 17/12/2022 17:14

Stupid behaviour is normal. Sometimes that results in harm to others, sometimes injury/death to the teen. Lads in particular doing really stupid stuff. I was racially abused during my childhood, most of it was showing off, the person actually wasn't racist. I've spoken to them as adults and some just knew no better. If the OP's son is having confidence etc issues and it doing it to appear 'big' etc then that needs addressing. Just punishing a teen, especially a male who has behaved in such a way, doesn't help anyone. Listening and education is what's needed. Most angry/aggressive/racist young men didn't have that.

Show quote history

Racism isn’t stupid behaviour, playing on a lake, playing chicken in the road, prank calls - they’re examples of stupid behaviour.

Racism is not that