AIBU for grounding my son for 1 month?

[DannielleNGin]

On Wednesday the school called telling me that my DS, 14, is being put in isolation after he called an Asian girl at his school a ch*nk. When he got back home I admit I went ballistic on him and took his phone away for a month and grounded him which means he can’t go out with his friends anymore more.

However, DH is siding with DS thinks that it’s too much and that I’m overreacting. He’s saying that DS probably said it as a “joke” although I can’t see a situation in which this is funny at all.

So, AIBU?

Having encountered many teenagers and idiot men in my lifetime, I wouldn't be surprised if part of the laughing from both of them is 'You're bothered about the racism? You should hear what's said to the girls about their bodies and sex everyday that nobody ever gets punished for'.

Before I read your post I was going to say that I don't agree with grounding as a punishment, but actually, I can see why you have as I'm surprised he wasn't expelled tbh. Your DH sounds racist too. What about offering to reduce his grounding or phone ban for every book or documentary/film he watches about racism? Sounds like he needs educating. And your DH.

I love this, thank you. Will use when mine are a bit older…

Massive well done OP for not letting him get off lightly. We need more parents like you. Your DH is the one BU.

I agree with this. Grounding him and punishing him harshly will mean he either learns to not be racist because bad thing will happed to him, or (worse) he learns to only be racist with other people who find it funny (like his dad apparently). It doesn't teach him why using racist slurs is such an awful thing to do or that being not racist is more than just not using slurs.

But given that his dad apparently finds racially abusive language funny it might be hard to get through to him, so maybe treating the symptom not the cause is the best plan.

He certainly needs punishing but I agree that making him - hopefully - stop and think would be better, so reading something or watching some documentaries and then discussing things to show he has taken things on board

This!

I don’t think grounding really works he didn’t do it outside playing either so it’s not keeping him away from the person / situation.

His being punished at school, I would have likely taken the phone for a few days /weeks and educated on why it’s wrong. A month plus no phone plus school punish while his dad laughs isn’t going to change anything.

also remember growing up ordering a “chinky” how did that even start or why. Also the whole J eye thing and Japanese Chinese look at these dirty knees was a regular in the playground. Seems so weird and obviously horrible now looking back but when and why was it even started and taught to school kids and I mean primary ages.

Is there another role model (pref male, little bit older) that could talk to your son? Also agree on education, setting him some stuff to read and watch. Has your husband always said questionable stuff as I’m sure that must be where your son is getting it from?? I seriously would get turned off from being with someone like that - grim.

There are some times when it is appropriate to go ballistic and this was one of them.

You’re right OP. Your DH needs to back you up. Since when is a teenage boy racist bullying of a schoolgirl something your DH is keen to support?

I grew up with a parent who when we had chinese takeaway would say we are having Chnky for dinner (put a in case it's not allowed). I was atleast late teens when I found out saying chnk / chnky was offensive. Sometimes people are just not educated enough. Like I was. Grounding me for a month would have effected my mental health majorly. 1 month is a long time for a 13 year old.

These might be a start:
Yellowface: Asian Whitewashing and Racism in Hollywood
Rising Against Asian Hate: One Day in March
We Need to Talk about Asian Hate

I added a star and its kind of messed that up as has made it bold.

I think a month is overkill but I would ground him (without phone) for a week. That's a big deal in the Christmas holidays at his age - my lot were all about their mates at that age.

LOLno you didn't overreact. He needs to learn that is completely unacceptable.

I wouldn't have done anything.

At his age he knows it's wrong so no point in a chat about racism or why it's offensive. It happened in school and they've already set a punishment.

A mistake and the important thing is it doesn't happen again. He needs to apologise to the girl. Done.

Before I read your post I was going to say that I don't agree with grounding as a punishment, but actually, I can see why you have as I'm surprised he wasn't expelled tbh. Your DH sounds racist too. What about offering to reduce his grounding or phone ban for every book or documentary/film he watches about racism? Sounds like he needs educating. And your DH.

I came on to say something similar. He can reduce his grounding by reading a suitable book about racism and telling you what he has learnt from each chapter as he goes. Far more effective to educate him and your husband

I agree with one of the other people who mentioned about the derogatory name for a Chinese takeaway. It was heard a lot. I have experienced racism myself. I think there is a misconception that racism is only white against black and vice versa. Do you think your child realised this was racist and offensive? Perhaps a chat is necessary. As for the punishment I think it is excessive but you have to stick to it now. As for your husband- disgraceful reaction 😫

Happened at my DGD's school (to a white child!) The racist child was put in isolation for a few days

Well. With your latest update it’s clear why your son has turned out to be a little racist. Your husband is racist and an enabler.

they sound a right pair of cunts

Its not nice, but no way would i remove his phone or ground him for a month

Of course he knew it was offensive ffs, stop making and looking for excuses.

ffs hes 14 not stupd he knows hes racist and look who hes got it from

so have yu actually taken his phone or has h stopped you

Well, I think you need to talk to him first. All sorts of punishments might fit, but you need to form an opinion on why he said it and what he thinks now.