AIBU for grounding my son for 1 month?

[DannielleNGin]

On Wednesday the school called telling me that my DS, 14, is being put in isolation after he called an Asian girl at his school a ch*nk. When he got back home I admit I went ballistic on him and took his phone away for a month and grounded him which means he can’t go out with his friends anymore more.

However, DH is siding with DS thinks that it’s too much and that I’m overreacting. He’s saying that DS probably said it as a “joke” although I can’t see a situation in which this is funny at all.

So, AIBU?

You have a massive DH problem, I'm sad to say.

Yanbu but you have a husband Problem too, your husband finds racism funny, it's grim.
Your son will not learn while your husband keeps giggling and minimising racism.

I agree. You have a ds problem because you have a serious Dh problem. Apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

You're DH is vile. Oh to be privileged enough to think saying racist slurs is a joke. I guess you know where your son gets his racism from. How embarrassing for both husband and your son.

He wouldn't be my husband much longer with behaviour like that.

Also everyone saying educate him instead are enablers. A 14 year old knows damn well he was being racist.

Well yes but kids often copy their role models from home. Turns out dad thinks that behaviour is hilarious 🙄

Not in the least unreasonable. He absolutely deserves it. Hopefully his dad will back you up and not undermine you.

I think he would benefit more from being educated on racial matters than the old fassioned 'grounded for a month'. I was always grounded for one thing or another and all it did was annoy me.

I still have a cold sweat memory of doing this at uni. I lived in a very white area with a very cockney dad, and I said anyone fancy a chinky in front of my Chinese house mate at a fairly well heeled uni. I didn't mean anything by it, it was literally just what I grew up hearing and assumed it was a cutesy name. I dropped out soon after because I was just too rough round the edges to fit in. Vicki if you ever read this, I am so sorry! It's been 15 years and I've never quite forgiven myself for not apologising properly at the time. I was so ignorant and unworldly.

@MissyB1 I don't see how you can marry someone and have never realised they were racist before this incident, the son knew how to use the word and actively chose to be racist. He doesn't need to be taught why he shouldn't say the word unless he's obtuse, he needs to be punished. Anyway, from OPS update I think it's too late for teachings, he doesn't care.

Unfortunately he has been educated. Poorly, by his father.

And at 14, boys tend not to be focused on what their mums think. Peers and older male role models. He is probably lost for a while, or forever.

Your DH is a racist knobhead encouraging and allowing your son to be another racist knobhead

Agree with all the PP and actually outraged on behalf of the Asian girl. I don’t think grounding your son will do anything (apart from resentment) especially if your husband thinks it’s ok to use this word. Better try and explain your point of view and why it’s unacceptable. Oh and I’d make my son apologise to the girl and ask her what she felt when he ‘joked’ like that.

My girls may be an almighty pain in the arse at times, but they'd rather die a thousand deaths than utter those words to someone.
It makes it even worse that it's boy to girl too.
YANBU.

Why do you think it’s worse for a boy to make a racist comment to a girl?

What absolute garbage

You need to have a stern word with your husband. He is enabling your son. Your are clearly a good mother. Please do not let this driop.

There's a big difference between a word said in anger, or targeting someone... and a word said by a child who may not know it's full implications. Find out and act accordingly.

We fired someone at work for this exact incident. Instant dismissal and they were absolutely in the right.

Your DH needs to have a word with himself about his casual racism. Is he casually homophobic/misogynistic too?

C1N1C

There's a big difference between a word said in anger, or targeting someone... and a word said by a child who may not know it's full implications.

It's true that a word may be said in anger, other words are, however, available. At 14, he knew that it was nasty and unacceptable. My DD is mixed, half South Asian and people sometimes think she's Chinese. She's Y5 in middle school.

In Y4 at first school, a boy in her class began to target her with comments based on that. The school said that they'd dealt with it and that he hadn't realised that it was racist. This is despite them learning about it in Y3 & 4.

Fast forward to September and he had started again and was overheard by a teacher. Again, they told me he hadn't understood what it meant. I told them about the previous incident and they said they couldn't act further, but would monitor things.

Why do you think it’s worse for a boy to make a racist comment to a girl?

Possibly because he knows if he did it to a grown man or even a boy as big as him, he'd risk a punch in the gob. Doing it to a girl is because he knows he's bigger and stronger. It's not worse but it does imply he might be misogynistic (and a coward) as well as racist.

As for other posters talking about him not understanding the implications? Really? DD is very aware of it and she's younger. She asked yesterday about the implications of a word she was concerned about using. At 14, he knows.

I’d be more annoyed and DH and his attitude.

He’s trying to look cool in front of a teenager and it’s embarrassing.

I would be raging with my son.
It sounds as though he’s not getting why it’s such a big deal either.

I would be taking his phone away and grounding him until he realises why it’s so offensive.
When he’s genuinely sorry then I’d make him apologise to the girl and then he can get his phone back.

You never fail to make massive leaps

@PetrasPony you asked. I gave a possible answer. Feel free to ignore me.

I think you will find a month more of a punishment for you than him.