AIBU for grounding my son for 1 month?

[DannielleNGin]

On Wednesday the school called telling me that my DS, 14, is being put in isolation after he called an Asian girl at his school a ch*nk. When he got back home I admit I went ballistic on him and took his phone away for a month and grounded him which means he can’t go out with his friends anymore more.

However, DH is siding with DS thinks that it’s too much and that I’m overreacting. He’s saying that DS probably said it as a “joke” although I can’t see a situation in which this is funny at all.

So, AIBU?

YANBU but agree with PPs that you add an educational aspect during the month.
You have a massive DH problem. You need to make it clear to DS that your DH is wrong by showing him how unacceptable it is and real world consequences for using racist language as an adult.
Are there other male role models in the family that will support your position eg uncle, grandad? Your DS needs to see it's not just women that care about racism and that being racist is neither a joke nor a mark of being a man.

I don't think you are being harsh and I also think, as a pp said, you need to follow through now.
Maybe he did say it "as a joke", but he needs to learn it's not funny to make someone else the object of a joke.

OP have you been aware of your DHs ingrained racism? Does he regularly make racist comments?

Gosh I was prepared to believe the husband was perhaps not very knowledgeable to put it politely on why we don't "joke" using racist slurs, but he's really gone and dug in, hasn't he.

After that conversation I'd definitely not be reducing son's punishment. as for H, I am at a complete loss as to what you should or could even do with that.,

*Why do you think it’s worse for a boy to make a racist comment to a girl?

What absolute garbage*

My nephew is also 14 and Chinese and I can't imagine for a moment him not reducing the OP's 14 year old to a pulp if he called him a chinky,

Somewhat ironically his expertise in martial arts comes from ten years of Chinese school on Saturdays.

Dont be daft. The DS thinks racist jokes and slurs are funny because that’s the teaching he has learned to date. Racism is learned. The only way to get the DS to not be racist is to educate him to be anti-racist. Taking a phone and grounding him is just going to entrench his racist views further. Saying he needs to learn about the damage of racism isn’t enabling racism.

Oh and I’d make my son apologise to the girl and ask her what she felt when he ‘joked’ like that.

Apology good, but asking her to share her pain? and relive what happened for consumption, WTAF? She doesn’t owe OP’s son that! She’s not “exhibit A” for her to use to educate her DS.

Wow a child in this day and age even knowing and using that word is wrong. I'd be beyond livid. Racism is unacceptable ever and I'd be disgusted, devastated, and furious for ever more if I had a child that was that way. By 14 a child should know full well how bad racism is, as if they ever, even by accident ,repeated anything racist, they should have been punished severely for it so that they never forget what happens when you're racist. Hideous. And your husband is hideous beyond belief for not being disgusted and appalled by this.

I'd be actually more concerned about their opinion and treatment towards women. The only reason this was flagged was because it was racist. There is alot to be said about your dh and sons attitude towards you.

Wow. I'm really sorry that you've just discovered your husband is a vile racist. How disgusting of him to joke about it. Your son is not blameless but it's easy to see where he got it from. What are you going to do?

@Onnabugeisha Obviously I'm speaking about those who are saying grounding is silly and to have a conversation instead. You can do both, 'teach him' why saying ch*nk is bad (he definitely already knows it's bad and knows what the word means as he has used it towards an Asian person), but also he deserves a punishment. A 14 year old knows right from wrong EVEN if he's grown up around racism, so many people on Mumsnet act like young teens are completely clueless. By now you should have already taught your child not to be racist, but that's just my opinion.

@DannielleNGin have you spoken to your husband?
no wonder your son is racist when his dad clearly thinks it’s fine.

you’re married to an adult man who think the racist bullying of a teenage girl is amusing and who is supporting your child to think the same.

I’d let that sink in for a bit.

Completely agree that the DS should know better at his age. As should the DH. I think though the OPs punishment is counter-productive. I think she has gone extreme to counter-balance the DH who laughed about it. So its not a good dynamic for the child really when the parents are not in agreement on consequences. I think grounding for a month and no phone may backfire as the source of the racism is the father, not the DS friends. If he had his phone his friends would probably be saying “what the fucks wrong with you?” which would only help OP really. But no phone and grounded and stuck at home with only a mum and dad glaring at each other, one thinking it’s funny and the other rightly horrified and disgusted…the DS seems to have picked his fathers side, which is depressing really.

And punishment with no education to counter the racist influence of his father is pointless.

It's unsurprising your son is acting like that with how you described your husband. He sounds horrible

No matter what we think of the actual event that happened

What do you think the month ban will actually teach him? Do you really think 'my mum has banned me I am suddenly going not going to do it again because of that?'

A month is harsh. I don’t agree really with grounding. I guess as my mum used to take great pleasure in seeing me unable to see my friends. I think she was jealous I had some real genuine friends I saw a lot. I’m still friends with them now. 30yrs plus on. Not saying I didn’t deserve to be punished for what I was doing. But there was just that sinister part of it which I hated and vowed to never ground my kids. Never even come close to thinking of changing my mind.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t be furious with my child in this situation. My own children are mixed race, white & Asian (Indian) so id be really angry if they came home and had been called a racial slur. Id want to speak to my child and find out why they felt it was acceptable to say that. I must admit some of my friends still say ‘I’m getting a chinky for dinner tonight’. It’s not something I’ve ever said but they don’t see the racism behind it for some reason. I’ve called one of them out and she genuinely didn’t realise. How I don’t know, just shows how ignorant she is I guess.

I think the most important aspect is that your son understands WHY calling people racist names is inappropriate. How will grounding him for a month teach him anything? Except to resent you.

No, not too harsh at all. The fact it's over Christmas will hopefully mean it will stick in his head.

A 14 year old knows right from wrong EVEN if he's grown up around racism, so many people on Mumsnet act like young teens are completely clueless. By now you should have already taught your child not to be racist, but that's just my opinion.

There's knowing right from wrong (aka "you shouldn't call people that word") and there's understanding why you shouldn't.

Knowing he shouldn't clearly hasn't worked, and with his father the way he is the only lesson punishment is going to give is don't get caught. Perhaps educating him would help increase the likelihood of him developing the morals to be anti-racist (or just not racist) rather than teach him to just become a closet racist.

I agree with this. However if he’s living with an adult who has already taught him that it’s funny and cool to be racist then it’s going to be very difficult.